Family and presents.

suki1964

If its of any use to you, I dont give presents or cards to my youngest sisters kids - never have done as I dont ever see her or them. We also dont give to my husbands nieces and nephews, bar the one his mother has after school as shes the only one we see - and yes she has a brother but we never see him either so he gets nothing.

Call me harsh but then Im a great believer of you can pick your friends and not your family. They may be family but we dont have to like or socialise with them

starbump

1tisme wrote: »

Thanks Paparika but I think I need to clear something up. I dont care about not having a relationship anymore. I really dont. We have nothing in common anymore and I'm not looking to rebuild things, I'm just not interested myself now, it's been too long.

I just dont know what to do about giving presents to their children, epecially since I dont even know them.

After reading your long OP, I think you are right to cut your losses as far as the adults are concerned. The (younger) kids are a different story - until they are old enough to independently demonstrate they don't want to know their relatives, I would keep sending cards (no need for presents, unless you want to include a token sum to mark special milestones) to show you are thinking of them. However, I would understand if you found it too difficult to keep up. I remember an "aunt" of ours wrote to cut off contact a few years after divorcing our uncle - she said it was too painful to stay in touch.

1tisme

c_l_a_i_r_e wrote: »

I think its nice to know a relative cares enough about you to acknowledge a birthday, or christmas even if its someone you rarely or never see.

God I know this sounds really really bad, but they are like strangers to me. How do you care about someone you dont know? That's why I'm having a problem over deciding what to do. If I'm honest, I've only been doing it recently out of duty and because that's what you're supposed to do with family.

They might have the title of nephew or niece but what good does having a title do if you dont have a relationship? I think I have seen them probably less than half a dozen times, if that, since they were born and at least 2 of those times were in shops in the passing.

I know how awful that sounds but just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you know them or love them, even if they are only children. But I'm still undecided about what to do so I'm glad to hear what other people think. Part of me thinks I should still send presents, part of me just thinks 'why'. We're not rich so it's not like we can afford to not even think about it and send whatever, whenever. We need to budget like everyone else.

1tisme

suki1964 wrote: »

Call me harsh but then Im a great believer of you can pick your friends and not your family.

I feel like that a bit too. I keep thinking that if this was a situation with friends that I never saw, would I give presents to their children? I dont think I would, but I still feel like I SHOULD with my family. So it's more about guilt and duty than anything else.

1tisme

VfM4meplse wrote: »

It might seem to be the best option to do this now, but think of the future esp what the younger generations may be missing out in. Relationships are far easier to save if there is a full and frank earlier on. The later it gets, the harder it gets.

That's back to being about me having to make the effort again when my S&S dont.

That how all this came about in the first place. I have to draw the line somewhere, I need to save my concern for those who are most important in my life, not those who dont bother.

Debt_Free_Chick

We all choose our own "values" in life - what's important, what's not; what we're prepared to put time & energy into, and what not to.

Most of us do this "unconsciously" - we don't actually think about it, it "just happens".

Please don't interpret your sibling's behaviour as intentional. He/She is just "doing life" in the way that suits them. If that excludes you then it's almost certainly not meant to hurt you - it's just the way they are.

What you should think about is why their behaviour is so important to you - why do you seem to crave their recognition/appreciation/acknowledgement of you so much? Is it really that important to you? If so, why?

At the risk of sounding like an amateur psychotherapist, there may be some issue/incident from your childhood, which involved your sibling, that remains unresolved. Are they older than you? Have you always sought their "approval"?

Really - you are not measured by the way that other people treat you. Behaviour tells you nothing about feelings as we all have certain self-defence mechanisms that are designed to conceal our hurt and/or insecurities. Maybe this is what your sibling is doing

Communication - directly, openly and honestly - is the only way to resolve these issues. And because of our self defense mechanisms, this can often only be achieved in the presence of a counsellor. This does not make you "odd" - this is normal life for us all.

Either "move on" or talk to your sibling. You can't second-guess what he/she is feeling. If you attempt to do so, you will almost certainly guess wrong. You then behave according to what you think they're feeling and the risk is that your behaviour simply pushes them further away.

Talk to him/her - don't guess. Talk. It's not easy and it will take time. But talk.

seven-day-weekend

I have lost touch with most of my nieces and nephews (I was the youngest of my parents' children by a long way so my nieces and nephews are not much younger than me), and wouldn't know any of the great-nieces and nephews if we saw them. I haven't bought presents for years, in fact the great-nephews and nieces I have never bought for.

You might wish to send a card at Christmas to them as a family and put a fiver in for each of the children until they are 16, if you wish to buy them a present, otherwise just a card.

I personally would just send a card 'to sister and family' with a little paragraph just to keep them up to date. I wouldn't bother with a present at all.

Debt_Free_Chick

1tisme wrote: »

I feel like that a bit too. I keep thinking that if this was a situation with friends that I never saw, would I give presents to their children? I dont think I would, but I still feel like I SHOULD with my family. So it's more about guilt and duty than anything else.

Boy do I understand this. Until very recently, the past 45-odd years of my life were filled with "shoulds, musts and oughts". So busy attending to all my "obligations" that I had no time for me; no time even to decide what I wanted and/or needed out of life.

Forget the obligations - your first one is to yourself. Feed YOUR soul .... only then can you be a happy person.

Debt_Free_Chick

1tisme wrote: »

God I know this sounds really really bad, but they are like strangers to me. How do you care about someone you dont know? That's why I'm having a problem over deciding what to do. If I'm honest, I've only been doing it recently out of duty and because that's what you're supposed to do with family.

Says who????

c_l_a_i_r_e

1tisme wrote: »

God I know this sounds really really bad, but they are like strangers to me. How do you care about someone you dont know? That's why I'm having a problem over deciding what to do. If I'm honest, I've only been doing it recently out of duty and because that's what you're supposed to do with family.

They might have the title of nephew or niece but what good does having a title do if you dont have a relationship? I think I have seen them probably less than half a dozen times, if that, since they were born and at least 2 of those times were in shops in the passing.

I know how awful that sounds but just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you know them or love them, even if they are only children. But I'm still undecided about what to do so I'm glad to hear what other people think. Part of me thinks I should still send presents, part of me just thinks 'why'.

With regards to the children, its not their choice to not have a relationship with you, the decision is being made for them by their parents. Personally, i would feel an emotional attachment to a niece/nephew that was a child regardless of whether i knew them or not and would want to acknowledge their importance to me. That need not neccessarily be by way of a present, but a birthday/xmas card that asked after them and how they were doing would show them at least that i cared about them.

This is just my opinion, and you shouldn't feel bad about how you feel. Thats why i said earlier to make a decision that you are happy with. Its a sad situation that you clearly didn't want, so you shouldn't beat yourself up over it too much x