Family and presents.

1tisme

I have a problem I need help with because I dont know what to do for the best. I need to try to be as generic as possible as I think my family may come to this site too, I'm not sure, so I dont want to say whether it's a DB and SIL or a DS and BIL I'm talking about. There's also background so sorry if it turns out long.

I have 1 sibling who has 5 children. 3 of them are adults and once a child reaches 18, we stop giving birthday presents and usually just give cards from then on. So that leaves the 2 youngest who are early primary school age. My sibling has never been interested in being close. Their attitude is that we dont have a close family and that's just the way it is. Our parents are dead btw. I tried for a long time to keep things going, I would visit or phone regularly and always give to the children at Xmas and birthdays. My sibling and spouse (will call them S&S for short now) only ever visited me and mine at one particular time because there was a reason and the situation suited them.

They seemed friendly enough every time I visited them but when I spoke to them one day about how I felt a little bothered about how I always bother about them and they dont about me, they just said it was one of those things, they're not visitors, (but they always manage to visit friends and spouse's family) they'll get round to it etc. I didnt feel there was any reason for them not visiting or phoning, I just thought they couldn't be bothered.

I always used to take the children's presents to them and have a short visit but when it was my children's birthdays, my sibling's spouse used to drive to my house and wait in the car with the engine running whilst one of the children came to the door to hand in a present. I used to ask them in and they always said they were in a hurry and couldn't. This happened most times, not just once or twice.

One of my adult children told me that my S&S ignores them if they meet up when they are out. At first I thought it was exaggeration but friends have told me it's true. My sibling did say one day when we met in town that they didn't realise my child was there on one particular occasion but I am fairly certain this was only said as a cover up excuse as they knew they hadn't been very nice and it had been noted by several people. What's worse is one of their adult children, (so my child's cousin) bumped into my adult child one night and ignored them too. My child is very angry and thinks my S&S are just weird.

When my last child was born, my S&S got involved for a short time but as soon as the novelty wore off after a few short months, we never saw them again. I got upset that it was always me making the effort so I stopped phoning and visiting as much. When they had more children, we visited and took presents and said how we hoped our youngest children would be closer and would be friends but it was just the same, they never visited once and only phoned if they had a reason to. It still bothered me that things were so one sided so I took a leaf out of their book and didn't bother with them anymore. That meant we lost touch and I dont know thier youngest children, I only ever saw them when they were really little and they dont really know me or mine.

My S&S and me and mine haven't fallen out but we dont have contact now. If we see each other in town on the rare occasion we stop and say a quick hi but thats it. It's like seeing a long lost neighbour. I dont care anymore and I dont get upset anymore that we are like this. I didnt expect us to live in each others pockets but family is about more than what we have and putting your hand in your pocket once a year for each child you never see and have no contact with doesn't seem right.

I dont think the situation bothers them at all, they are happy enough to have little contact and happy enough to give to children they know nothing about and take presents for theirs. It's me who has the problem. I've been feeling like this for years and this year is deciding time. Do I make a stand and just stop giving presents completely or do I still give presents and just put up with the fact I dont know these children or what they like or who they are? I used to phone to ask S&S what they needed or wanted but I stopped doing that mostly because again I felt it was just another thing I was making the effort for. The situation isn't the children's fault, I know, but they wont suffer from having one less present on their birthday, they get plenty as it is. That's the ONLY difference it would make to them. :rolleyes: Or do I stick some money in a card (which means I dont actually have to deal with the regular hassle of what to get them since I dont know them or what they like or already have) but I'm still giving them. My spouse is no help, I'm only told to do what I feel is best.

One of my children who's older asks me why Aunty x and Uncle Y dont see them or bother with them like Aunty B and Uncle K (who are on my spouse's side) and I just tell them they are busy. At least my sibling's youngest children never knew us at all so it's not like they will be be missing us.The older ones did but they are adults and away now so we dont see them anyway.

Sorry it's long and and thanks if you got this far.

knithappens

I dont see all of my nieces and nephews, those not close i dont get anything. Not becasue we have fell out, we just dont see each other, the others i always put money in a card. I have a huge familiy it is just the way it is. I woudl in the very least send a card, so the child knows you are thinking of them. Growing up my aunt always sent a card and i always felt good that she thought of me, the gift is irrelevant. It is the thought that counts.

1tisme

I was going to keep sending a card. Not that it will mean anything to them as they are too young and have no idea who Uncle X and Aunty Y are anyway.

VfM4meplse

Your description of events centres around giving presents to the next generation but I think you need to probe the background.

There is clearly something S&S don't like about you / your family which is why they have made a decision not to include you in their lives. It may be something, it may be nothing, it may be caused by external persons stirring the pot. The only way you will find out is by letting them know your feelings and asking them why they choose not to acknowldege your family. Good luck.

1tisme

No I've already done that twice. I'm not asking again, I do have some pride. If they have a problem with me or mine they could just have said.

Paparika

I'm not one for visiting people much, thats me I just don't.

I have a big family and I'm grown up now and there is not a connection there, last time i saw them all was at my nan's funeral 2 years ago, some promised to stay in touch, there were no invites to come round to ours from anyone.

we all have our own lives to live and are nice and polite out in public if we see each other.

Funny actually i was at OH yesterday and popped to the shops, recognised an elderly man who looked just like an uncle of mine who is divorced from my aunty, haven't seen them in oh so many years, the young man i saw talking to him i assumed was my cousin, so i actually said excuse me is that Doug, he looked at me and said yes, so i said, then that makes us cousins, told him who my parents were, he looked at me and said yes i looked like my mum, said take care and we got on with what we were doing. I didn't expect any more.

So don't panic hun, life's too short enjoy your self

1tisme

Thanks Paparika but I think I need to clear something up. I dont care about not having a relationship anymore. I really dont. We have nothing in common anymore and I'm not looking to rebuild things, I'm just not interested myself now, it's been too long.

I just dont know what to do about giving presents to their children, epecially since I dont even know them.

Woodyrocks

From what I understand of your post, I would have stopped giving presents YEARS ago. I don't agree with one sided relationships which is what you are currently trying to 'maintain' with your sibling. I realise that it is hard what with your parents being deceased and you do feel it is all the more important to have contact with your sibling but that is not a good enough to keep putting water in a bottomless bucket (!) It won't hold a thing and you are just wasting your time if you see what I mean.

Good luck in dealing with this highly emotive situation. Only you know what is right for you but it is always useful to sound it out as you are doing.

Loopy_Lobes

Hi, this is obviously churning you up, you really don't need all this hassle from 'family' that aren't bothered about you. They've repeatedly shunned your affections and I believe it's time to give up now and get some closure in this matter, however hard that might be.

To start with, I'd put a short sharp stop to the present buying right now. Send Birthday cards to the kids if you must and send them them an Xmas card as a family but leave it at that.

If you see them whilst out and about be polite and make an excuse to make a quick exit. They might eventually come to realise they've hurt you and try and make amends, but from what you've told us I don't think they will unfortunately.

Finally, make the most of the family and friends that you are close to.

Loopy x

c_l_a_i_r_e

Personally i would still send a card and some sort of present to your young niece/nephew. Given that you don't know the that well i would probably put a gift voucher or book token in the card so they can chose what they want. It doesn't have to be a large amount, but its the thought that counts and more importantly maintains a line of contact between you and these children. I think its nice to know a relative cares enough about you to acknowledge a birthday, or christmas even if its someone you rarely or never see.

i completely understand you not wanting to make the effort with your sister, given her attitude towards contact with you. However, i would just not feel right about ignoring my niece/nephew no matter how close i was to them iyswim. Ultimately though its a very personal decision and only you can decide what's right for you. Make a decision that you are comfortable with making, and leave it at that, try not to let it eat away at you any more. Good luck

VfM4meplse

Loopy_Lobes wrote: »

Hi, this is obviously churning you up, you really don't need all this hassle from 'family' that aren't bothered about you. They've repeatedly shunned your affections and I believe it's time to give up now and get some closure in this matter, however hard that might be.

It might seem to be the best option to do this now, but think of the future esp what the younger generations may be missing out in. Relationships are far easier to save if there is a full and frank earlier on. The later it gets, the harder it gets.