Grandmother moving in with me

Merrywidow

I am surprised this thread has dried up when the topic was still ongoing. Fredsnail - you are so accurate in your post. I have a 96 year old mother now in a Nursing Home. She had the emotional blackmail down to a fine art. It was only when I was going on holiday that she went into full Oscar mode. The day before my trip to Australia she checked herself into the local hospital screaming in pain. I was one step ahead and the doctor had been warned. He kept her there till she calmed down and I had gone (Local hospital in the Yorkshire moors).

My brother and his wife used to ring from the airport and run! I guess that the majority of oldies reach this "stage" in their life - its beginning to read like a script that they download from their brain.

I found that the only way was to be tough with them otherwise you have no life of your own.

Errata

Often people, older or not, don't have the emotional skills to talk to rellys about how they feel and what they want and can only use 'emotional blackmail'. My experience is that honesty and clarity from rellys is the best stance, but often rellys don't have the emotional skills to do that.
This isn't meant as a criticism of anyone, it's just a fact of life.

fredsnail

My Grandfather wouldn't take honesty and clarity if it meant he couldn't get what he wanted done, when he wanted it done and how he wanted it done.

No one likes to be unable to do what they want themselves and have to rely on others - but there has to be compromise on all sides and flexibility for things to work long term for everyone. It maybe that the parent - child relationship doesn't help matters in that parents are used to telling their children to do x and y.

Honestly though families are an emotional spiders web with feelings being hurt etc as often people are too close to be objective - sometimes it's not until you have distance/hindsight that you can see what's happened and why.

Merrywidow

Thank you fredsnail, your grandfather and my mother were cut from the same mold. Like children, they scream long and hard till they get what they want. You are their child and you will do as you are told. End of story.
Errata - you mentioned people lacking the emotional skills to communicate. I was nursing my terminally ill husband and my mother at the same time. My husband died at 56 years of age in agony and my mother turned round and said " Oh well you have got rid of one invalid and now you have me as another!" Can you tell me what skill you would have used to reply to this. She can thank her lucky stars I didnt knock 7 bells out of her. Instead I walked out, slammed the door on her flat and didnt visit for a week. THAT she felt.

Errata

Merrywidow, no I can't because I don't know your family dynamic.
In very broad general terms an apology should be immediately requested with an explanation of what has triggered the request, and the consequences of not receiving one made very clear.

elsien

Ok, now I've got my life back again, a quick update.
Having had it all laid on the line by all of us acting together (probably for the first time ever!) grandma has agreed to allow help into the house, on the understanding that it can be withdrawn as and when she feels more able to cope on her own. She's not really talking about it, so clearly isn't happy, but she's giving it a go, so that'll do for now.
We are all ready to do social services a mischief for waiting until the day the carers were due to start (only a few days before dad goes into hospital) to announce that they couldn't help, here's the agency list, off you go. (We knew grandma would have to self-fund, but thought that social services would provide the care and then we would reimburse them.)
Don't know about communication in families, but a bit more from the professionals would be nice.
Thanks all for your input, it's always good to know we're not the only family who "neglect" the older generation.:rolleyes: (The really scary thing is knowing how similar I am to my grandma in some ways, I just know I'm going to be the oldie from hell in years to come - I'm already warning my nearest and dearest what they've got in store....)

Newly_retired

Reading about your various families, I must just say ( agreeing with Margaret Clare) how fortunate I was with my elderly parents. They never made demands, never asked for my help, but were just grateful for whatever I did.
No longer with us, but reached 92 and 86 with no word of complaint. How blessed I was.

superpup

Elsien, I'm really sorry I didn't see you had posted on this thread, and now it seems to be sorted! I'm glad she's grudgingly agreed some help.

My Nan can be crafty but I wouldn't call it emotional blackmail as I think we can all be a bit sneaky when we want to get our own way

Merrywidow, that comment from your Mum must've really hurt x

I haven't updated for a while as things are fairly 'same old' and I didn't want to bore you all with it :rolleyes:

I've been up to see her a few times since I last posted. 1st time I went she said 'I've been thinking and I'm not going to come for Christmas now' to which I replied 'It's too late to back out now, it's all sorted' and left it at that. Then, the next time I visited she said 'You're picking me up on the 21st December aren't you?'

She has celebrated her 90th birthday. She also got someone to collect an entire bedroom suite and 2 armchairs for charity and given away loads of ornaments. So despite her saying she's not ready to leave her house for quite a while, she's certainly getting rid of all her stuff so I think she's coming round to the idea more and more, which is reassuring.

I'm trying to get my house ready for her coming at Christmas. I'm at that stage where I have so much to do that I'm just looking at it and doing nothing as I'm feeling overwhelmed

Hope everyone is well x

dzug1

Merrywidow wrote: »

I guess that the majority of oldies reach this "stage" in their life - its beginning to read like a script that they download from their brain.

It IS a script - a set behavioural pattern that it takes a major shock to shift. Learning new things becomes increasingly difficult as you get older.

I have virtually the same conversation every time I visit MiL - now thankfully in a nursing home and to our great shock of her own volition. A spell in hospital made her realise how badly she was coping on her own.
My wife also has the same conversation every time - but a different one to mine.

Reading this thread, I'm almost grateful both my own parents died suddenly, and young. A great shock at the time, but at least they didn't spend years slowly dying.

Errata

Superpup, good to hear things are gradually being sorted out. Sounds like she soon won't have a bed to sleep in or a cup to drink out of