some advice please would be most appreciated

floss2

tattoed_bum wrote: »

......yes admittedly i will probably miss the company when my ds returns to school,but think of all the money i am saving
.....

Why not look into maybe volunteering at your DS's school, or another school, or even a charity shop - it will give you a bit of company and get you out of the house, and mean you are not available for your scrounging "friend".

Also, if you wish to go back to work at some time in the future, it will give you something to put on your CV, and may even lead to a new career!

NoahsPennilessMummy

Am glad you have taken others advice.

I understand how hard it is to do it as I am soft like you and can get taken advantage of at times:rolleyes:

She is not being a true friend to you at all and doesnt seem to look at your side of the situation.

You need to put you and your families need before hers.

I know it is really sad when children don`t get taken out etc or cared for in the same ways yours are but I have come to realise that I can`t help everone and some things are out of my control......it is her responsibility not yours.

I was a single mum for a while with my ds who is disabled.......it was hard and money was tight(only work 2 days a week in the lovely NHS) but I never sponged off my friends.
Caring for myself and my son were MY responsibility an I am proud of the way I got through it.

Glad your family are getting along happier now you have taken a stand.

xx

Carmina_Piranha_3

She's not really poor you know, she just has her spending priorities wrong. My mobile phone contract only costs me £10 a month, although virgin have changed it so new customers don't get as good a deal as i do, but even so i'm sure she could spend much less than £20 a week on her mobile. As for smoking, do you smoke? if you do then you could gain back some of what she costs you by saying you've run out, and then you smoke hers instead :rotfl: If you don't smoke then don't allow her to smoke enar you, not even in the garden because you might have washing on the line - make her go home if she wants to smoke.

People have made excellent points on this thread but a lot depends on whether you would miss her if you stopped all contact, and would your son miss hers. My children like to see their cousins etc. but they don't need to every day, especially when they're at school and getting plenty of contact with other children. My youngest has friends who sort of take advantage, but it's not because they're bad kids, they just don't understand how families where people work need time to unwind, and a tired husband coming in from work wants to relax without other people's kids under his feet.

Gently telling them that my husband is tired after work and wants a quiet house seems to have worked.

I remember a friend who had a 'grumpy' husband like yours. he wasn't bothered that she let her friends think he was grumpy, in fact i think they decided between them that him pretending to be grumpy was the easiest way to drop hints that her friends should respect his leisure time and bog off out of his house when he gets home from work tired and wanting a shower and his own stuff on the TV.

MoaningMyrtle

If other peoples children misbehave in my house I disipline them in the same way I'd disipline mine, I exepect manners and respect for the surroundings (I know some things are unavoidable, like once my friends daughter scribbled on my newly decorated wall, my children had never done this, once my daughter's 'friend' pushed her down the stairs. Neither of these children have been back to my house, although I am perfectly pleasant to the mothers.)

I try to keep people at arms length, mainly because I work and have little time at home myself.

I would give her the used uniform, charity shops get very little for it and I'd hate to see her son go without, I give all our outgrown clothes to friends.

I wouldn't buy anything for her as it cancels out your bargains if you buy two, or offer to buy one as a present for the son at Christmas from you, so you know he will get something.

oystercatcher

This is an interesting thread as I alternatively feel sorry for the friend but infuriated.
I wonder if all the mobile phone chat stuff is a symptom of depression/lonliness? Or ...... there's a thread somewhere on this forum where you can get extra income from sending 'saucy texts' ??

There's always been an unspoken agreement between my friends that husbands come first. My friend and I meet up and walk our dogs together whenever we're both free. Today her husband has a day off work so I walk on my own it's a simple as that.
When I don't want to spend money I just jokingly say 'We're having an economy drive this month. '

I'd still be inclined to help out with things like clothes for the child, if you don't need them anymore and don't intend to sell them then why shouldn't she have them. Just don't part with anything which will cost money.
It sounds like you've enjoyed having the house to yourself but maybe if you're lonely when DS goes back to school then you could arrange to meet the friend somewhere else, go to the library or park or somewhere cheap to have a chat. When you part at the end then maybe make an arrangement for several days time and be quite busy in between so you don't end up seeing her too often. If they want to come in maybe even say something like "Oh no DH has just fixed the wallpaper he'll go mad if it's ripped again"
If she asks you to buy something for the son then just be straight. "you haven't paid me back for the last one yet! Remember we're having an economy drive " She'll soon get the message.
Blame the grumpy husband if you like, moan that he won't let you spend much but then in the next sentence reaffirm how lovely he is ...just grumpy!! Don't get caught up in any nasty talk about him.

Good luck with it all , keep us posted

Oystercatcher

marcus45

Just say no.. or i need the money first has you know i have none myself.. i think she knows what she is doing .. No.. is the answer ..

Carmina_Piranha_3

oystercatcher wrote: »

Blame the grumpy husband if you like, moan that he won't let you spend much but then in the next sentence reaffirm how lovely he is ...just grumpy!! Don't get caught up in any nasty talk about him.

oh yes, tell her your husband is lovely but is just being careful with money at the moment. if you feel like you need an excuse (i probably would, i'm not very assertive so giving a reason would help me stand firm) then perhaps say that they are having redundancies at work and he feels insecure about the money situation. or perhaps he's on a course, or you're doing some sort of programme or series of sports lessons such as swimming etc. for your son and it's costing money you don't really have so you're cutting back.

as for him being grumpy about wanting the house to himself, simply say that work is hard at the moment, he works overtime or is too busy for a lunch break, or simply that things are stressful at work and he wants to relax in peace when he comes home. he's happy for you to have friends over while he's at work, but when he's home he wants you, and the house, to himself.

i would also say that your credit card is up to or near the limit, so you can only use it for your own purchases. if you want to it's possible to remain friends with this woman and her child, but gently put some boundaries into place and stop her from taking up so much of your time and resources.

consultant31

MoaningMyrtle wrote: »

If other peoples children misbehave in my house I disipline them in the same way I'd disipline mine, I exepect manners and respect for the surroundings (I know some things are unavoidable, like once my friends daughter scribbled on my newly decorated wall, my children had never done this, once my daughter's 'friend' pushed her down the stairs. Neither of these children have been back to my house, although I am perfectly pleasant to the mothers.)

I try to keep people at arms length, mainly because I work and have little time at home myself.

I would give her the used uniform, charity shops get very little for it and I'd hate to see her son go without, I give all our outgrown clothes to friends.

I wouldn't buy anything for her as it cancels out your bargains if you buy two, or offer to buy one as a present for the son at Christmas from you, so you know he will get something.

I agree with MM - it would be mean to throw away the uniform if someone else can make use of it, and I would definitely not allow someone else's child to do something in my home that I wouldn't let my own child do - how unfair is that!!

Also, though I'm not very assertive, I think plain speaking and honesty are required here, why should you get all hot and bothered trying to make up acceptable excuses - she's the one in the wrong not you.

PS MM:- love your sig, it always reminds me of when Billy Connolly adds "by which time, you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes" :rotfl: :rotfl: