some advice please would be most appreciated

DKLS

There is a good online Module on assertiveness which I think the OP could do with some help with, It is OK to say no, The module is developed by a leading UK Psychiatrist, and its free, Have a look here

tattoed_bum

thanks for that dkls ,i will have a look later maybe i should look at it when she is here lol and give her a big hint ,

funky-footprints

i dont think she sounds like a friend to me, she sounds like a hanger on ! sorry i know im being harsh, she is very lucky to have you, but i think she is abusing your friendship.

your dh is right !

OrangeProse

Oh dear, this doesn't sound like fun at all. Poor you.

Some people - either knowingly or subconsciously - manoeuver themselves into a position where their every need is catered for by others. Quite often one person ends up bearing the brunt of this behaviour too. I would imagine that you also find yourself on the receiving end of a lot of her emotional woes as well.

It's a difficult situation because you're clearly a very considerate, giving person. But I think you can gently 'manage' this person out of your life a little bit, and lots of people have had fantastic ideas on how you can do this.

Also, it almost sounds like you are apologizing for yourself - mentioning having to wean yourself off MSE bargains. You don't! You can be as MSE as you like (and as your family and household budget allows, obviously) - but you're under no obligation to be a MSE for someone else who can't be bothered to put the effort in, like you have.

I do think that letting her kid wreck your house and then dismissing it with 'boys will be boys' is very naughty. First of all, I don't think that it should be 'expected' that boys are messy and destroy things. It's a sexist attitude, ultimately, and means that the little horror will be allowed to get away with all sorts when he's older because he's a 'boy'. Secondly, it shows a fundamental disregard for the property of others. What would happen if you went round to her house and had a poo on the living room carpet, left it there and then said 'oh dear, couldn't remember where your en suite was'? Having said that, it's very tough to try to discipline someone else's child, even when it is in your own home.

I empathize with you a great deal, as I've been in a similar position in the past, except with me it was my boyfriend who was siphoning all my money off me. So now when I feel myself being a bit over-sensitive to someone who might be taking advantage a bit, I think to myself 'what would Sharon Osbourne do'. You have to be a bit of a tigress for your family, and put them first. Then yourself, then deserving friends. Everyone else can go whistle for it.

You sound like a really lovely person - I hope that outside of this woman, you have friends who really do appreciate you properly.

Sorry that went on a bit. Hope you get the situation sorted soon.

tattoed_bum

oh orangeprose the bit about pooing on the carpet made me choke on my tea laughing ,thank you
it is difficult to discipline someone elses child , although i did put him on the naughty step for stamping on my sons ds ,thats when he decided to rip the wall paper of my wall .he then told us my son did it when my son was in the room with us at the time.
when her ds comes in the house his first words are whats for dinner ?
what can you say when a child is asking

paddy's_mum

What you can say when a small child (who clearly understands the status quo where soft-touch you is concerned!) asks "what is for dinner" is ....

I don't know, sweetie .. whatever Mummy gives you as we are going out shortly.

My next suggestion may be a bit ott but if your hubby "manufactured" an argument and gave the leech the boot, would you actually miss her? Is there so much good company to be had, or so much you value in her that you would feel you had lost something special?

Perhaps you might consider arranging for your husband (or a theatrically gifted mother or sister) to come home early on several occasions when she can be expected to be there and petulantly demand that she leaves since he wants his wife to himself now and again. Do you think she'd take the hint?

Just a curiosity question but what does your friend spend her own money on? Ciggies, outings, clothes .. ?

poppyolivia

While you are talking to her about how times are hard etc say you've had to force yourself to open a savings account and you can only get money out with so much notice to the bank and you don't even get a card?? So for the next year you are gonna be well skint and kind of laugh about it, so that when she asks for 3 toys from amazon just say you can't cause this saving malarky is restricting your outgoings???
Don't tell her about any bargains and at xmas just say you were in town one day and saw it but there was only one left (if she mentions where you got it)

I would do the picnic idea too, only take enough for yourselves.

As for the uniform I would say the shirts were stained so you binned them and the trousers were tatty at the bottom?? Or wreck the clothes yourself and hand her them, bet she won't ask again!

Luckily I don't have friends like that but the thought makes me feel sick for you!

You know what unless you tell her straight you gonna have to make a hell of a lot of excuses up!

Good luck!;)

tattoed_bum

hi paddy's mum, she does smoke but she doesnt go out anywhere unless we take her ,she hasnt bought much in the way of clothes in the time i have known her and she never buys new for her son as my son is growing at a rate that his clothes hardly get worn and he is out of them ,

she say's she gets £80 a week to live on and out of that she pay,s £20 a week for her mobile phone (she is always texting guys on the dating channel) gas ,electric ,tv licience and food .
my hubby used to pretend he was really grumpy at the weekend having to much to do in the house without kids under her feet and she took the hint and is now staying away at weekends to the point now she will text and ask how the grumpy fella is lol

i have now sorted out the uniform and i am putting them on freecycle i cant bear to destroy them if she asks i will just tell her i had to bin them

Paula_anne

£20 A WEEK!

Gosh i put £10 a mth and get 50 mins free.


I certainly wouldn't help her with kids uniform, if she can't afford the uniform then she should stop smoking and budget her finances. I can see more problems arises if you don't act on it. You need to take a deep breath and tell her. This person is not a friend, they're disrespcting you and your house.
I would personally ask for the money you've lent back and also money for your son's ds.

Dislike disrespectfull kids,
I have 3 kids who would never behave like that or expect dinner, the cheek of some people!!!

floss2

tattoed_bum wrote: »

......my son is growing at a rate that his clothes hardly get worn and he is out of them......i have now sorted out the uniform and i am putting them on freecycle i cant bear to destroy them if she asks i will just tell her i had to bin them

Or take them to your nearest charity shop or sell the better quality stuff on Ebay.......