some advice please would be most appreciated

belfastgirl23

I would do like the others say. Change your routines and don't be in when she calls. Buy 'headphones' and don't hear the doorbell. When she is leaving make arrangements about when you can next see her. Don't get into making up excuses either you'll only trip yourself up. Just say 'I can't do tomorrow, how do you fancy a cuppa on thursday afternoon' or whatever. And if she calls, ignore it.

In terms of feeling guilty, think about it. Will her child really be badly affected if you don't buy him myriad presents (because if she doesn't pay you, that's what you're doing). Does it adversely affect your own child to buy these gifts? Is her child starving or will they go badly without? Try to keep these questions to the front of your mind.

If you don't do this the friendship is going to go sour sooner or later. You are going to feel more and more used. And your husband is going to get more and more resentful. If you set down these parameters then she'll stop calling - in which case she was only using you - or she'll accept it and everyone will be happier.

Good luck!

tattoed_bum

thank you all for your reply,s
i am a sahm because my son is disabled i have lots of appointments to attend with him weekly .

yes i do feel really sorry for her as i have the support of family she doesnt
and i cant imagine how difficult it must be for single parent ,

from now on i will try to keep the computer of when she is here
i will have to ween my self of all my mse bargains lol

i have managed to cut down on her visits over the weekend as my dh was getting annoyed at not being able to spend quality time together

i hope i am not painting him out to be a horrible man he is anything but he would give anyone his last penny he just hates feeling as though someone is taking advantage
he works really hard to keep his family and he does a very good job of it
he also hates having to come home every evening and having to repair the damage in the house

i guess i will have to stop helping her out ,its the thought of her son going without decent shoes or gifts for christmas both her son and mine are 5 yrs old
it,s just the way i have been brought up i suppose to always help when you can

Steel_2

You shouldn't feel bad. You're a good person and there's nothing wrong with wanting to help people. But you have to help yourself first. If you are not financial stable giving financial help to other people is destabilising your own family's future. You may be looking after your son long after hers has left home so you need all your money to prepare for his future.

Shoes and christmas gifts for her son are her responsibility, not yours. I doubt very much whether her son will go without. She'll find a way to find shoes and gifts for him when you stop doing it.

There are a ton of single mothers on benefits on this forum who look after their kids without resorting to taking from friends in this way.

You can support her by offering emotional support instead of financial - although I'm not sure that's what she wants.

Steel_2

By the way...I have to ask...do you really have a tattoed bum?

tattoed_bum

yesi have 3 hearts entwined , one for me ,my dh,and my little boy ,
dont ask why they are on my bum lol

Mojisola

tattoed_bum wrote: »

i have managed to cut down on her visits over the weekend as my dh was getting annoyed at not being able to spend quality time together

i hope i am not painting him out to be a horrible man he is anything but he would give anyone his last penny he just hates feeling as though someone is taking advantage
he works really hard to keep his family and he does a very good job of it
he also hates having to come home every evening and having to repair the damage in the house

I don't think he sound horrible - he sounds very sensible and caring. He can see this woman is taking advantage of you and is trying to help you.

She isn't a friend - cut her out of your life as soon as possible.

redrach

I wouldnt feel bad. I was a on benefits for a couple of years and my son never went without as i started shopping early. I would start xmas shopping in January, get things from charity shops etc and never borrowed of anyone.

I think while she knows she can take advantage she wont do anything to change her situation or be prepared.

Good luck x

ebaybaby

I dont think your OH is being at all unreasonable.

The same thing happened to me a few years back with my DH's Sister.
I have to admit, we had moved near to her and I really enjoyed the company at the time, I was in a strange area, Im a SAHM so it worked ok for me. But then my OH started to make comments that she + kids were always round at our house, he could never come in from work and just relax. Just like you say, her kids were a nightmare, rude, greedy, messy, destructive etc. My house also got wrecked at the time, they had no respect. She would tidy her house and leave it that way then come round here sit all day reading MY magazines whilst her kids run riot. They ate me out of house and home.
We ended up having a fallout, not related and yes I did miss her but after a while I relished in the fact that I had my house and OH back as he would end up going to bed early just to get away from them all. My house stays (relatively!) tidy. The worst was I have 2 DD who are respectful and treasure their toys and bits n bobs, I would put them to bed at their normal bedtime and she would still be here with her kids.

All I can say is dont offer food, or comfortable surroundings and defo dont buy anything else in fornt of her.

Paparika

Your DH isn't a horrible man, he can just see that you are too kind hearted and you like to help people thats you and thats your nature.

Not having the pc on when she is there is a good idea, don't forget that your cards are at the limit. and stick to it.

Don't feel to bad about her, she's a single mum and is well catered for from the state and some tax credits. (I'm a single mum too)

Take your DS's old school uniform to the charity shop.

Your friend really does need to learn to stand on her own 2 feet, cruel to be kind...

You are not her mum and she has to learnt not to rely on you to keep her going.
Don't feel sorry for her and her son, she'll manage.


Charity begins at home.

Oldernotwiser

tattoed_bum wrote: »

thats the thing when we go to her house she will make a cup of tea but she never offers to make lunch or she will say to come up after 1 o clock that way they have eaten before we get there ,
i have explained to her that money is really tight but all she will say is she wishes she had that kind of money to live on .

that makes me feel worse as i do know we are lucky .

Don't be blackmailed, if she's on benefits she may well have more disposable income than you do! Don't let her sponge off you as well!