some advice please would be most appreciated

tattoed_bum

hi i need some advice please
the problem is like everyone else at the minute things are really tight,
but my friend and her son are at my house every day ,but they are staying all day which means i am having two extra mouths to feed every day for lunch and dinner ,

this may not seem a lot but my friend knows we are financially struggling ,

i have been trying to get in most of christmas in the sales this year (many thanks to all msers)

but everytime i spot a bargain my friend asks if she could borrow the money to get one as well this week so far she has asked for £30 worth of stuff to be ordered from amazon for her son for his christmas ,

the problem is i cant say no when a child is involved ,i feel so mean

but this is now causing arguments between my dh and i as he thinks she is now taking advantage ,

i have been buying m sons new school uniform for the new term since jan a few things every month ,but she has bought nothing for her son this year as she knows i will give her my sons that are to small now .

my dh know that i am going without so that she and her son can have ,

but she is a single mum on benefits ,
what is angering my dh is that everytime her son is in the house he breaks something and we dont have the money to get these things repaired ,(today he tore a huge chunk of wallpaper from the hall wall ) and all she say's is boys will be boys .
we both work very hard to get the things we have and are really lucky not to have any debt other than the mortgage but we also dont have any money spare

my dh is insistant that they no longer come to the house ,

sorry for the big long post but do any of you wise people have any advise
i dont want to be mean to my friend and her son but i also dont want to anger my dh

Zazen999

I'm with your Oh on this one; charity begins at home and although you want to help it sounds as if you aren't in a position to at the moment. If she is a real friend she will understand this but if you don't put your foot down now she will never know.

floss2

Personally, I would say something like: "I'm sorry, but I can't order anything for you unless you give me the cash up front. I haven't got any money to spare to pay for it & wait until you can pay me back. I'm quite happy to order things if you give me the cash"

School uniform can be tackled too: "oh, haven't you got anything yet? I've just passed the outgrown bits from my son onto the charity shop, as they get loads of enquiries about uniforms at this time of year and the charity gets some money for them so it helps everyone out"

And re the all-day visits, why not just say to her "Oh, me & my kids will be coming round to yours tomorrow, as I'm sure it must be your turn to have us round for lunch"

I know it is easy for me to say these things, but you do need to be harsh if you want to stop her taking advantage. If she stops coming round, then she isn't much of a friend anyway - more of a taker than a giver (which you obviously are from your generosity )

tattoed_bum

thats the thing when we go to her house she will make a cup of tea but she never offers to make lunch or she will say to come up after 1 o clock that way they have eaten before we get there ,
i have explained to her that money is really tight but all she will say is she wishes she had that kind of money to live on .

that makes me feel worse as i do know we are lucky .

Surfbabe

mmmm difficult one this - i would make a point of making lunch for you and your son and tell her "sorry but I've only got enough for the two of us" or do what she does and tell her to come at a particular time and that it can only be for an hour. Then at the end of the hour - go out with your son - could just be a walk but make a big point of going out without her.

In respect to buying things - make sure you don;lt go anywhere near the computer whilst she is around and if she does ask you to order something then say you are unable to as your are over your limit on your card.

CB1979_2

even better don't let her in.

she's taking the p!ss, cos you let her take the p!ss.

she's owed the world, cos she's on benefits? yeah righto.

unfortunately you're choosing your friend over your own family, in very simple terms.

so time to decide, either tell your friend or continue to cause hassle between you & your hubby.

i know the simple answer.

also is she really a true friend? i'm guessing not if she continues to act like this.

don't invite her round or make sure you & your kid eats before they come round and make sure you have something to do in the afternoon so she has to leave before dinner time

end of the day, she's supposed to be your friend so be upfront and tell her how it is, you can't afford it EVERY DAY

dolly25_2

The phrase "never a lender or a borrower be" comes to mind. I definitely wouldn't order any more stuff for her if i were you as she seems so be taking advantage of your good nature.

lilac_lady

You'll have to spell things out for her as she probably knows that she's taking advantage of you but is hoping that embarrassent on your part will allow things to continue in her favour. Don't be embarrassed, be blunt for your family's sake.

kazwookie

Sorry you are having problems.

1. Invite yourself to hers for lunch, and if she doesn't offer to feed you, go and help yourself to make the point, (I know it is rude, but she is to you)

2. Don't buy her anything off the internet or the shops, use the excuses as given about, or just be plian blunt about it, tell her one she pays up the £30 she owes you, and pays up front for anything else you will consider it.

To be honest and this may hurt, she is taking the P**s, I really don't think she is a true friend

sarymclary

I had this a few years back. I'd moved into a new house, and was befriended by another SAHM who had 2 small kiddies. We had a bigger house than them, and at the time my DH was earning a reasonable income and we didn't have any debt for the first time in years. My youngest at the time was a small baby, and as soon as I got back from taking the older 2 to school, she was on my doorstep, and would stay all day. I found it really hard to tell her to go home, or just not to come round, as I felt sorry for her, and she told me about how down she got being on her own. The problem was her toddler was a total nightmare, trashed the house, broke things, and more worrying was violent towards her own baby (of a similar age to mine).

In the end I avoided coming back home so soon after the school run (I'd mooch round a supermarket, or visit another friend), and would often come back, pop in, and then drive back out again (just to confuse her)! I also avoided answering the door once or twice, even though I was home, and when she mentioned it the next day, I'd say I'd not heard it because I was upstairs working on the PC with the headphones in while sprog was down for a nap.

I didn't feel capable of being rude, or even upfront with her, but I did find that I achieved my aim by being less available, and not fitting to a set routine every day that she could rely upon. I also would sit with a growling tummy, rather than feed all of them, but sprog was still breastfeeding then. You could make pretend arrangements some days to go out around lunchtime, or make up your DS a pack-up in the fridge, so that you don't have to prepare anything, and maybe then only offer her child a biscuit (get some boring rich tea biscuits for about 30p especially).

As others have said, do not buy things for her. Chances are you won't see the money again. Buy your own things, and don't tell her about them, don't share your bargain stories with her, so that way she won't feel she's missing out, or ask you to help her. It won't matter how tight you make her think your finances may be, she will never believe you're as hard up as her, and she clearly believes you are able to accommodate her without it causing any issues. She is unaware of any issues that may exist, because you've not told her there are any, and she won't come to that conclusion herself. I also understand that you may not feel comfortable, or even capable of doing so. Nice people don't.

How old is her son? Do you allow the children to play out of your sight when they're there? If it's dry, why not encourage them to play outside more. Even make your friend a cuppa and suggest sitting in the garden with the kids for a bit of fresh air? Suggest a walk to a local play area or park. Maybe mention that you feel cooped up in the house so much, so need to get out more. Perhaps if you make noises about not feeling so content, she won't feel so cosy too.

Is there any volunteering in your son's school you could do once the new term starts (I'm not sure if you work) to ensure you have other commitments outside the home, or do you have family/friends you could visit more often, even if just for a flying visit. Definitely don't make yourself so available, unless you are prepared to sit her down and have a frank conversation with her about her taking advantage of your kindness, and that this is causing friction with your DH because he is angry about it, and that's upsetting you.

I hope you get some kind of resolution, and I'm sure you are a lovely friend, so this lady would be wise to not to abuse that friendship.

Steel_2

I'm afraid this doesn't sound like a friendship to me. You are being used by this woman, plain and simple. A friend would never put you in the position that she has or sponge off you in the way she has been.

She's trying her luck.

There have been times when I've had hardly any money at all I never went round someone's house and sponged meals off them or was rude enough to get them to buy me things. It's a matter of pride that no matter how little I had I would always pay my way in whatever way I could.

If you really feel you can't confront her and tell her no more, then be a little sneaky.

Don't surf the net for anything while she is there. Keep the computer turned off - even removing and hiding a cable if you have to so her son can't turn it on when your back is turned.

What about going out instead of staying in the house? Tell her you're going to the park with your son and if she wants to come she'll need to bring a packed lunch the next day so she and her son have something to eat. Then literally only take one sandwich for you and your son, one packet of crisps and so on. Don't bring loads of food so she can sponge off you.

Or what about telling her you've got to go to visit someone else for the afternoon - invent an 'elderly aunt' of your husband's that needs 'sitting with' a few afternoons a week.

Regarding the uniform, tell her you've been selling off his uniforms on ebay to raise some money for the new one as money is tight.

She'll start getting the message soon enough.