ex and would be ex-gamblers support thread

cantcope

Great posts while i was away. At a GA meeting.
When i talk about a personality change in my experience and this includes me, we can be reluctant to "grow up". we want all the nice things without having to work for them, living in a dreamworld. I lost count of the times i dreamed what i would spend my winnings on..... all things i could have had in the first place with my savings!
I've been in GA for 4 years now. While i didnt think my personality needed to change, i had lots of friends, and they all told me i was fine it only now i realise i HAVE changed. not consciously but as a result of stopping gambling.

I am more patient, sympathetic to others feelings, i accept that some things i just cannot change no matter how much i want them to.

I live my life by the serenity prayer. GA is not a cult but is full of people from all walks of life with the same compulsion. I was embarassed when i first went... a 31 year old girl walking into a room of 50 men and then crying in the room because i just didnt know what to do and didnt know how to stop. i'd tried so many time before always going back to it.

I am no longer embarassed. I've seen hundreds of people come along, disappear, then come back further into debt, further into misery.
I am proud of what i've achieved and see that as a strength rather than a weakness. i take pride in everything i do now whereas when i was gambling i did the bare minimum just to get something done at work or at home.
Most importantly, I know I am a good person, a good daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend. When i was gambling i thought i was worthless.

Glad to know your moving forward Riq, even though it sounds like you stepped back you sound like your back on track and that's great news

Well done on putting the block on CG. next step? give your girlfriend control of your money. If you have none, you CANT gamble... this might make it a bit easier for you to start with.

TheLostSheep

Sorry for not posting for a bit. The idea is to give girlfriend control of money although I think this will be very difficult. I know when she 'reviews' statements there will be more arguing. If we look at 6 months worth, theres £1000s in transactions but £2000 or so in profit. Prior to that destruction was all over the place with outgoings funding betting. I do feel I have moved away from that but I appreciate why the idea of GA is being pushed - I just dont really fancy it.

Anyway, all means I previously had for funding a gambling account have now stopped on my part. Credit cards both closed. I know (if we sort things relationship wise) girlfriend will be reviewing bank statements so any activity there and I am in serious trouble too. As I mentioned K9 blocker is on PC. During speaking one night, girlfriend was saying what stops you using Ipod Touch!?

I'll be honest about 1 thing. I withdrew funds yesterday or before and planned not to use the accounts - however via my Ipod Touch browsing, I then realised that a World Cup bet I put on paid out the other day. Nothing big just £30. I've had 2 x £5 bets that won and feel I am betraying trust but countering that with the fact that I am determined not to fund these online accounts anymore and this money has not really come from that.

I know that once this now £40 is gone that's it. Feels a bit like a "nicotine" patch with a smoker and I'm trying to justify these really "small" bets as my winding myself down and trying to stop. If all the preventative measures are in place - is it so bad? Or is this a doomsday scenario and a total laspe?

Oh and guess where we were supposed to be going Sunday with friends - a day at Races! I 95% feel this would not have been a problem for me - but I've been probbaly rightly told to cancel these plans. Horses were never my vice, I enjoyed the social side of these days more. My GF feels she'd be supporting my problem if we go.

How I'll/we'll get on when the football season starts is another thing!!

Take care everyone.

cantcope

Hi and thanks for posting again. You need to stop ALL gambling. By just having small bets you are kidding yourself and lying to your girlfriend. She id soing her very best to try and support you. Cancelling the day out was an excellent move on her part. You are just betraying her further.

It's your decision at the end of the day but take a step back and think how she would feel if she knew you were still gambling small or not.
One small bet leads to disaster. Like on small drink to an alcoholic. You should know that. You probably didnt start off with large bets its progressed into it.

This is a soul destroying addiction which you will everntually realise is nothing to do with money. It's to do with always wanting more. If you can't stop when your winning and you can't stop when your losing. You'll never stop.

Don't tempt fate and find a further rock bottom when your girlfriend dumps you and you have nowhere to live.

GeorgeUK

cg, sounds like you've not really admitted to yourself you have a problem. You gambled and lost - you were unlucky. If you have spent thousands of pounds of money that isn't yours and can't stop gambling in some form or other - that's a problem.

Have a read of my diary or post 4 of this thread. You can't take half measures with something as dangerous as this. You are risking alot more than money if you continue.

You say you have stopped using the online accounts. Have you closed them down?
I fell off the wagon because i kidded myself that i was in control. You need to avoid all forms of gambling - even lottery tickets or the office sweepstake. It has only been about a week and you are already talking about a few HARMLESS bets. There is no such thing. Don't do it.

riquelme

CG - withdraw the funds, close the accounts. you need to get serious about this illness if you want to be serious about quitting. it will always be there waiting to strike when you least expect it.

its tough, the withdrawel you will go through over the next months will hurt as will the guilt and you may even start trying to understand why you do it (not everyone does)

i fin d it tough with football as ive been doing it since 16 , 25 years ago, but what i will tell you and im not ashamed to admit it, is that i was terrified about this world cup and after what ive been through over the past 6 months (separation and losing my family) i thought i would struggle, ive focussed on what i love and what matters and thats what has got me through it. my debts are causing me ball ache too and was seriously tempted to 'have a go' a few stern words from the good people on here reminded me of a few things.

time to grow up and get serious about this

TheLostSheep

A couple of questions thus far. When you all realised the extent of problems were you forced into: accounting, justifying, explainining reasoning behind the addiction to around 5 groups of people?

I'm thinking....

Yourself
partner
partners family
your family
friends
work colleagues

perhaps it's good they all find out, at the moment I struggle to see the good in these people judging me.

I've not had a single bit of actual support withregards facing up to debt and money problems thus far other than you guys.

Thanks again.

cantcope

Hi CG.

my friends and family all know. the reason behind this is that if they know i have a gambling problem it makes it easier for me. They dont invite me to gambling places, they dont talk about gambling in front of me. Also the more people that know the less likely it is i'll do it... how would i keep a big win to myself? they would all want to know where the money came from. So if theres no point in me winning then there's no point in gambling in the first place

If these people love and care for you they will not judge you. If they do then they aren't worth knowing anyway. I chose who i told in my own time. my parents first then a few friends. now i tell people if it comes up in conversation but its not something i offer up unless i need to.

I wasnt forced into anything. I could afford to pay off my debt if i stopped gambling. It took time and i eventually moved home for a year to shorten it. But i did it, and took responsibilty for it. The debt isnt the main problem. The gambling is and until you stop that you will always be in debt... just a little win to pay off this card etc...

if you stop your debts will not get any worse. If you contine I can guarantee they will as even if you win you'll put it all back anyway. It's like a short term loan.

I hate to say this but you come across as you deserve support from people. I'm sure you do, but what are you doing in return for this support? Have you asked for support? Have you stopped gambling yet? If you havent then all the support in the world towards you facing up to money problems is a waste of time.
I thought your girlfriend had taken control of your money? that is support. if you have none, you cant gamble.

Post on the Debt free wannabe board too. there are loads of people that will help you on there with dealing with your debt. They were invaluable to me when i first started out.

I have never had to justify what i did. I never tried to find out why i did it. i just did. knowing why i done it will not change anything. There are no obvious reasons other than i was looking for some excitement. aren't we all? i just managed to find something destructive as well as exciting. It sure wasnt exciting when i'd lost loads of money.

The only people that NEED to know are the people you live with. If you are honest with them and i mean 100% honest then you'll get the support you want and deserve . If you lie then you dont deserve the support.

I hope things work out for you. First step is accepting you cannot gamble again.

riquelme

CG - pop over to DFW board and post something up there about your finances, you'll get some help for sure. We can help you with the gambling here and it directly does impact on your finances, they can either get better or worse, the choice is yours.


as far as telling people is concerned , you tell who you want. i told my partner, later a couple of friends and recently a couple of close work colleagues. none of my family know. still feel ashamed and also i dont want to worry them. i'll tell my kids when theyre older and i hope they are proud that ive beaten it rather than broke the family up. its a personal thing as to who you tell.

TheLostSheep

Online accounts shut. That was tough. I reckon had I avoided the whole online thing to start with Id not be in this mess. Even the ability to rack up the debt on credit was faceless.

I've realised that even if I did win a few hundred, I am thousands in debt so it won't make a difference!

There will be temptation everywhere now I guess and I'll be very frustrated by what I have done. It's the recklessness and easy abilty to fund it that's caused me the problems.

More arguments tonight. Not good. I even mentioned this site and how useful and we argued!

TheLostSheep

I can't face telling Anyone. Gf and her folks know. Can't bear facing that one!

I reckon what's so annoying about it all for me is that for a year or so it kept me going, the personal problems and general need for escapism in a short period intially are to blame. If only I'd had some control. Oh well!

Dreading the next few weeks. I have been posting on DFW board and am doing a few small things each day.

Thanks again.