ex and would be ex-gamblers support thread

TotallyBroke

cantcope I'm sorry you have had these terrible nightmares. I hope you stop having them soon.

It's me I'm back again. I have had to cancel my bank card this morning. As although ExOH is not living with me he has still gambled £200 yesterday evening. I can't get the bank to refund the money so I've lost that. I'm adding it to the list of gambling debts he owes me.
ExOH is supposed to be coming up to see lo after work today but after the horrible text I sent him this morning I'm not sure if he will still be coming. Or what mood he will be in if he does.
He text me yesterday asking if there was any chance we could get back together. I told him I didn't know. That having him lie and steal from me was not something I could easily forget considering it has been almost constant for 2 years. I think that is why he gambled. To get back at me. I've upset him so now he has upset me. Well I've hurt him again now because I have told him that under no circumstances will we ever be a couple again. I told him that apart from talking to him about lo I do not want to talk to him again. And that he is a selfish w**k** and I hope he rots in hell.
So I'm now officially a single Mum with a mountain of debt that I'll slowly hack away at.
The funny thing is that I took the sim card for the mobile that is in my name back off him last week. And a man that heads the GA meeting he goes to rang for him. As he was there I handed the phone over to him. ExOH told him that he would phone him later in the evening. So I wonder now did he ring him and then gamble or did he not bother at all. I'm tempted to ring the man back and tell him exactly what has been happening over the last couple of years but it's not really my place to. He has his own problems staying gamble free without having me as a mad woman bleating about my own problems lol.

Anyway well done to you all for not gambling yourselves long may it continue. x

cantcope

So sorry you are having to deal with this TB. It doesnt matter what you had said to ExOH he would have found an excuse to gamble. It's easier to blame someone for why you did it rather than accept you have a problem.

Time to move on, without him. Hope you get a new bank account sorted. have you got all his stuff ready for if he turns up tonight? Mean business this time. No going back.

You'll be so proud once you clear the debt knowing that you've achieved it on your own. Make sure you call up about benefits, tax credits etc. Maybe you could call the man from GA back and ask if there is anyone you could talk to? Maybe someone elses parter? a bit like a gam anon.
We have people go to our gamanon meeting who are no longer with their oh's but still need the support to help themselves.
Make it clear you aren't calling to talk about your OH and try your hardest not to ask any questions about him.

thinking of you x

Ames

Cantcope, I've had the guilt trip too. I bought myself some clothes and a new mobile in the sales last xmas and he went out and gambled a fortune - I'd spent money so he said he should be able to. It's total crap, he might as well say 'it's a monday therefore I've got an excuse to gamble', they don't need reasons or excuses, they're addicts and can't help themselves. It's definitely not your fault. I hope that doesn't offend the gamblers here, I don't mean to.

cantcope

No offence taken. I used to tell myself i gambled because i'd had a crap day at work, or i didnt feel well, or no-one had bothered to call me that day, or i was feeling lucky... they were all excuses. i gambled because i was addicted.
i dont know why i became addicted, it gave me a sense of belonging. i don't really think about why anymore, its not worth it. All i know is that for today i wont gamble

Ames

Ooops sorry I was replying to TB not you, I'm just not with it today!

GeorgeUK

Hi guys

Not had access to a computer outside of work for a few days so not really been around.

Sorry to hear about the nightmares CC. Any time i had nightmares (as an adult), I tried to rationalise it to see how it fit in with my life. A few questions if you don't mind going down this route, but from what you've typed up, there seems to be a few things you can take from this and move forward with.

The game was the same as it is something you know and will always be somewhere in your thoughts. I think it is probably more to do with it being aything familiar than anything as to why it was in your dream.

Your brother gambled and won - everyone was happy for him because of the success
Are you and your brother alike or treated equally in the family?

They were encouraging him to continue as they were getting carried away in the heat of the moment as many people would and have. You tried to walk away from that.

Your brother continued to gamble, as you may have done when you were addicted, but as no-one knew about this he was not punished or condemned because of it.
You have not gambled for years now, but as soon as something goes wrong, they immediatley suspect.

They were laughing at you saying that you could not have any of it - in reality winning money is not something you want. Who wouldn't want £440k? Ask any recovering gambler that question and they'll ask what's the catch.

Also when they left you alone to go around the world - with the gambling, from what you have posted it appears that with this you are on your own and in both the dream and the real world they don't seem to understand. I guess it's hard for someone that's not been there or who really looks at the ins and outs of why we gamble to see why it affects us and how.

You're family aren't going to abandon you.
You're not alone if you feel nobody understands what you're feeling or going through - we're here for you even if we're not all as far down the path as you have managed.

Your family flew off around the world? Could that also be some resentment about not being able to afford things you would really like instead of just what you need, being able to splash out without worrying about the cost or consequences?

Nobody's laughing at you, especially for not wanting to gamble or have anything to do with gambling. I think it's also clear that you are concerned for your family as most people are.

I'd put this down as a bad dream and just your mind working through some of the lost baggage. I don't think it's a sign of anythign bad about to happen. If it puts your mind at ease, have a good chat with your brother to make sure he's doing okay. After all, anything that puts your mind at ease can only help.

(Hope that's not too intrusive)

TB - Sorry to hear about yet another screw up by ex. I hope you areable to get your self sorted soon (and yes i even hope he is able to get himself sorted out). You're doing really well facing everything the way you are. Not just the emotional side of the breakup, but also dealing with the financial problems he's leaving in his wake. You're a strong woman and i hope you realise you are going to get through all of this.

TotallyBroke

Well he did come up last night. He says he will come up again tonight. I've asked him to bring up his rucksack so that he can take some more clothes. (he rides a bike so a black bag would be very awkward and I'm not mean)
He totally has no money because he asked me for a roll up. I gave him half the pack of tobacco and some filters and papers because I felt sorry for him. I know I shouldn't because it's his fault he has no money but again I'm not mean.
I asked him what he would give me each month for our lo and to pay off his debts. He said an amount but although it is a reasonable 3rd of his monthly wage I told him it was too high and we would reduce it so that he was able to live and therefore not run the risk of spending it all out of spite. I'm not going to get anything this month as he will have to put a months deposit down and a months rent in advance. If I'd have taken money he would have nothing for food etc for the rest of the month. I'm trying to make this as easy as possible for all of us.
So now I have to jiggle figures about to cover the loss of no money this month. I'm definitely getting onto the tax credits people, I've not had anything from them since October as I never followed through with the single claim. Then he came back and I suppose deep down I knew it would not be permanent so never opened the joint claim back up.
I've posted on the tax credits board here and it looks quite hopeful for me. There doesn't seem to be a problem with me claiming again now I won't have to wait until April and because there is only one wage I will get help with childcare. I have also been told that if I salary sacrifice for childcare vouchers I can get more money from tax credits (my salary per year becomes lower so I can claim more) but I'm not sure if morally that is right. It's not a lot extra but seems a strange legal loophole.
I'm going to open another bank account in my son's name and ask ExOH to pay the maintenance money into that. Then he can prove he has been paying me something towards his upkeep. I can then declare this maintenance to the tax credits people without it getting complicated. The money for the debts I'll ask for in cash. I don't want the tax credits people thinking I'm getting more in maintenance than I actually am if it is paid in one payment to me.

Thanks to you all, I'll keep popping in and see how you are all doing and I hope that if I'm feeling down for whatever reason you'll allow me to post and continue to be so supportive. You've all been fantastic. I'm determined to be strong. I feel so much better in myself (although I looked in the mirror this morning and could see how much I have aged over the last couple of years) so 2009 for me is a new life. It'll be a huge slog but if I want a fantastic 2010 I'll have to put the effort in.

Good luck to you and well done for continuing on your own personal journeys to be gamble free and debt free. x

cantcope

really positive post TB. Great to see

George, thanks for your post, it makes a lot of sense.
My parents do try to treat my brother and I equally but for about 6 years or so he was in financial trouble through not working so was living back at home, refused to go to work and i watched them give him money to go to the pub and buy video games as he kept threatening suicide as he was depressed (although we never knew why and still dont). I know that this made me feel very angry and left out. I never got to see them without the first words being, Your brother has borrowed more money. The last 3 years he has been working and living in a houseshare and getting himself back on the straight and narrow. he is now slowly paying them back.

This made it difficult for me to tell them what i'd done as i heard "i'll have a heart attack if he does it again", "we're broke because of him", "lucky you are so sensible and have lots of money" etc etc. I blamed him for making me feel like i couldnt tell anyone or move back home to be able to pay my debts off.

I thought i was over that resentment but maybe my dream means i'm still working on it in my head. I am very happy that he has a good life now although it does still irritate me when they tell me hes borrowed more money from them (every month!) as i feel i slogged my imaginary nuts off to pay them back and he doesnt seem to care that he owes them.

My brother and I get on very well now and i am genuinely happy for him although i have mentioned to my mum that i would rather not discuss his finances with her as i know this pees me off.

I think in so far as them immediately suspecting that will never change. They understand that this is a lifelong problem and i accept that they will suspect me forever.

I dont really talk about my problems to them. I've had lots of things i'd like to share but dont. mainly to do with my health the last year but it sticks in my head that when i was first poorly my mum told me they though i was a hypocondriac (no idea how to spell that) and that they used to trick me by saying they had a cold and then laughing behind my back if a few days later i said i had one?!!! I dont think i will ever get over that.

I would love to talk to my mum about my MS as she has it too but i just dont feel comfortable so save my questions or concerns for my consultant as i dont want to risk being hurt again. When i was diagnosed my mum tols me that the results were worse for her than me and that i just had to get on with it so thats what i've been doing.

sorry this has turned into a real ramble and i'm upsetting myself now.

feel free to ignore.

x

GeorgeUK

Not going to ignore it - keeping things bottled up can make you ill you know

Doesn't sound like you are getting much support at home. The things they can relate to - they've had it and dealt with it so you should just deal with it, while with the gambling, they probably haven't given much though as to how it has affected you other than financially.

Have you ever tried writing down (not online) how you are feeling and how others make you feel? I mean kind of like a secret journal that once you finish it you can burn and hopefully visualise some of those anxieties going up in smoke with it.

I think not being able to talk about some of these feelings and experiences is stressing you out and it seems to be trying to break out on its own. Writing down how things were before, during and after your gambling days may allow you to vent some of the frustration and resentment you're feeling and possibly allow you to view it from a slightly different perspective when you read it back to yourself later - kinda this is what's wrong, now i'm going to change that.

I know a secret diary type thing sounds a little cracked, but i find keeping my diary on here even if i just update it once a month can help me. It lets me put down my thoughts and feeling, and concerns or plans; then i can look back at it all later and see if there is anything i would like to take forward that i haven't tackled or thought about for a while. Even remembering how i felt when i wrote something has helped me to keep on track. Hopefully you'll be able to look back on some of it and realise that it no longer bothers you so much as you have let it go.

I'm not speaking from experience here and i'm only an admin assistant, so definately not qualified on any level to advise you. I would hope however that i would do something like this to tackle the demons.

If you feel like you're on your own and can't talk, come here and we'll advise, support or just listen. Vent away - if you can't do that on an annonymous forum, where can you?

And you thought you rambled on?

Ames

I find writing in a diary when I'm down or struggling to deal with things really helps too.