Made a shocking discovery today... what would you do?

margaretclare

Robert_Sterling wrote:

I do not think that secrecy over financial matters is a good basis for a long and happy marriage.

I completely agree with this.

Having said that, it does take some people a little time to adjust.

Aunty Margaret

margaretclare

JackieO wrote:

When I married my late husband over 40 years ago he was of the idea that it wasn't any of my buisness as long as I didn't go short.Which was fine when we both were earning ,but when the children came along things had to change.
By planting the idea into his head very tactfully that perhaps I could save him the time and trouble of handling the bill-paying, as he was such a busy and important chap that he shouldn't be bothered with the bills indoors, then I gradually won him over .After a couple of years he was very happy to let me pay and manage everything.
It was a mixture of soft soap,guile and downright cunning ,but it worked. I used the same principle when ever I wanted him to do anything ,be it decorating or gardening,I just casually remarked how well he had made the garden look, or what a smashing job he had made of the decorating the last time, a little bit of flannel goes an awful long way with chaps .He would then do the gardening,or decorating and afterwards would suddenly realise that I had got what I wanted done without nagging him.It worked for me, and when my two daughters married it has worked for them as well.

Yes, Jackie, but 40 years ago...that was then, this is now.

When I married for the first time in 1957 I was told quite bluntly by M-I-L that it was 'nothing to do with me' how much husband earned or what he did with it. When I insisted I wanted to know, wanted to work out a joint budget, I was accused of 'marrying him for his money' (biggest laugh in the world).

This 'soft-soap' approach was the way women were advised to approach the problem. There are still women even today who have no idea what husband earns, what he does with his money, the men don't regard the money as 'ours' but as 'mine'. There are widows, and soon-to-be widows, who will have no idea, having been used to dealing only with 'the housekeeping' money that they were given to cover groceries, the milkman and the papers - all else dealt with by husband. He could have debts, mistresses, you name it, and they wouldn't know!

Me, I think it's essential, as Robert Sterling says, to be open and honest with each other about money. I wouldn't go so far as to reconstitute shredded documents, but then perhaps I'm lucky, I never have to. But then I couldn't live in that sort of atmosphere of secrecy and deception - it's not what a relationship is all about IMHO.

Aunty Margaret

[Deleted User]

margaretclare wrote:

Yes, Jackie, but 40 years ago...that was then, this is now.

When I married for the first time in 1957 I was told quite bluntly by M-I-L that it was 'nothing to do with me' how much husband earned or what he did with it. When I insisted I wanted to know, wanted to work out a joint budget, I was accused of 'marrying him for his money' (biggest laugh in the world).

This 'soft-soap' approach was the way women were advised to approach the problem. There are still women even today who have no idea what husband earns, what he does with his money, the men don't regard the money as 'ours' but as 'mine'. There are widows, and soon-to-be widows, who will have no idea, having been used to dealing only with 'the housekeeping' money that they were given to cover groceries, the milkman and the papers - all else dealt with by husband. He could have debts, mistresses, you name it, and they wouldn't know!

Me, I think it's essential, as Robert Sterling says, to be open and honest with each other about money. I wouldn't go so far as to reconstitute shredded documents, but then perhaps I'm lucky, I never have to. But then I couldn't live in that sort of atmosphere of secrecy and deception - it's not what a relationship is all about IMHO.

Aunty Margaret

I can understand what you are saying Margaret, but luckily by the time I was widoed I knew all about how to manage money I was 19 when I married and my husband was 14 years older than me and it did take quite awhile to 'train' him bless him.By the time we had children and a mortgage he was quite happy to let me get on with it all. It worked out O.K. for me but then I was married to a pretty special bloke .
I do understand how today's lassies don't want to have to worry about things and I aplaude this lass for her foresight .I just think that sometimes there is more than one way of skinning a cat than lassoeing it.
I do hope she sorts it out as distrust is a damageing part of any marriage,I think when my husband realised that it was in both our interestd he accepted it.

Bossyboots

margaretclare wrote:

There are still women even today who have no idea what husband earns, what he does with his money, the men don't regard the money as 'ours' but as 'mine'.

My friend is an example of this, except she now knows his money goes on other women and his two children conceived outside the marriage.

My OH was raised with this as the norm. I soon disabused him of any possibility that our marriage was going to work in that way!

His mother still thinks that he should be allowed to spend his money as he pleases, provided he doesn't leave the household short of necessities.

nelly_2

The worst thing here is the act of secrecy over money between a married couple this isnt the 50's.

This needs thinking about very carefully. If hes is so secretive imagine his reaction at what you have done to find out. I say deffinately dont mention the shredder incident at all one bit EVER.

Go about it by saying something along the lines of " I want to be more pro-active over our money and debts and stuff" and make out debt isnt a great deal!

If you ask me if that shredder gets mentiond its gonna kick off a big barny.

You know him we dont, think what the best way other things have been tackled , what worked what didnt etc.

You dont NEED to rush into this, take a month even.

I might be wrong but I always err on the side of caution.

Loretta

silvah wrote:

Hey everybody,

Some of the threads on this board read like a soap opera. I've wasted about an hour just following people's stories. You guys are all so helpful.

So I thought I would ask for help with my problem. It's pretty much the other side of the coin.

For a long time I have been curious about my husband's finances (we have been married for over a year and it has been fantastic apart from the occasional sticky discussion about money.) He refuses to tell me anything - well, hardly anything - certainly not how much he has in savings, on credit cards and outstanding loans. This bothers me because I think in a marriage, we are a team, and everything that belongs to him, belongs to me, and vice versa, including debts. (Which I would be happy to tackle if only I knew the full situation!) I'd really like to know how much we have saved and how much we are in debt by, so I can budget appropriately. But he prefers to have control over all the finances.

Whenever he gets a credit card or bank statement he whisks it from view and destroys it straight away.

So today my curiosity got the better of me and I was VERY NAUGHTY.

While he wasn't here, I opened the shredder in the study and pieced together his Barclaycard statement. Easier than you might think - which I found a bit shocking in itself (although it's not a cross-cut shredder). Once I'd lined up all the bits, they showed that he has £3,200 on the credit card, paying off £60 a month. The interest was about £3 or something, so I guess he must be on some sort of low interest deal. I hope he has savings that equal that amount - but then he shouldn't be paying £3 interest - kind of misses the point of the credit card shuffle really doesn't it?

What should I do?

If you were my hubby, what would you want me to do?

Should I confront him about it? If I do, how can I do it gently and tactfully?

Or should I start paying money into the Barclaycard account as a subtle way of introducing the problem and cutting down the debt straight away? (The passive-aggressive approach I guess :P .)


Any advice from you lovely moneysavers would be greatly appreciated.

Silvah

You must look after yourself. Don't be polite or think what you are doing, follow your instincts, if you think something is not quite right you are almost certainly correct. The most important thing is to make sure you are alright. Be quite clear about what he is up to and then make a decision. Don't feel guilty about anything you do or how you found out and you do not need to tell him how you found out anything, he is the one keeping secrets. You MUST know about your joint finances and do not put up with any nonsense.

I had been married 20 years my husband came from a very large local family and I presumed that it was impossible to keep secrets, but he still manage it. I felt like one of those people you read about in the paper who has half a dozen families all over the country and it was impossible for this to happen but it still did.

Marriage is a commitment and to work together every thing has to be in the open, no secrets can be tolerated, and money is the worst thing not to have out in the open. You have only been married a year I think, get this sorted and if he is not willing, get out. You only have one life, don't waste it. There is someone out there who is straight forward and you could find happiness, you don't have to have a lifetime of worry.

I hope sopmeone will listen to an old thing like me and save themselves a lifetime of misery and be too old to sort out a ruined life.

Sorry, too much wine, but please still listen

Spendless

Bossyboots wrote:

My friend is an example of this, except she now knows his money goes on other women and his two children conceived outside the marriage.

I won't be surprised if my friend finds out same about her hubby as she's so in dark about his finances and has no idea if rumour is true that he's been funding the other woman out of a secret bank account. However I still beleive my friend will have him back regardless.

OP_Good Luck in sorting it out.

margaretclare

I agree with Loretta. This is no way to live. You need open-ness and trust.

Is it at all possible...this Barclaycard account that he's paying £60 a month...is it possible that this was a 0% deal and he's paying it off? Could it be that he hasn't mentioned it because he sees no need - once it's paid off, no need to mention it?

Just clutching at straws really.

Best wishes

Aunty Margaret

Bumbelina

Having had many money problems and discussions with my husband, who hates talking about money, I have found that by far the best approach for this and other issues too is to be as direct as possible without being confrontational or aggressive. I used to make the mistake of !!!!!footing around when I wanted to bring up the subject of finances, because I knew he'd react with a big sigh, a rolling of the eyes and "Oh, not again!" My tentative approach just used to irritate him, so now I say, for example, "we need to discuss how much we're going to pay off X Y Z credit cards this month" and before I do it, I make sure I have all the necessary information to hand like credit card and bank statements and a copy of our current budget. He still doesn't like it, but if I've done the ground work at least he respects that and is prepared to address himself to it. I really think that men usually prefer women to be direct and actually say what they mean instead of nagging or dropping hints.

Bumbelina

Sorry about the rather strange !!!! configuration in my last post - the computer did it, not me. I guess it thought I was trying to say a rude word.