Made a shocking discovery today... what would you do?

silvah_2

Hey everybody,

Some of the threads on this board read like a soap opera. I've wasted about an hour just following people's stories. You guys are all so helpful.

So I thought I would ask for help with my problem. It's pretty much the other side of the coin.

For a long time I have been curious about my husband's finances (we have been married for over a year and it has been fantastic apart from the occasional sticky discussion about money.) He refuses to tell me anything - well, hardly anything - certainly not how much he has in savings, on credit cards and outstanding loans. This bothers me because I think in a marriage, we are a team, and everything that belongs to him, belongs to me, and vice versa, including debts. (Which I would be happy to tackle if only I knew the full situation!) I'd really like to know how much we have saved and how much we are in debt by, so I can budget appropriately. But he prefers to have control over all the finances.

Whenever he gets a credit card or bank statement he whisks it from view and destroys it straight away.

So today my curiosity got the better of me and I was VERY NAUGHTY.

While he wasn't here, I opened the shredder in the study and pieced together his Barclaycard statement. Easier than you might think - which I found a bit shocking in itself (although it's not a cross-cut shredder). Once I'd lined up all the bits, they showed that he has £3,200 on the credit card, paying off £60 a month. The interest was about £3 or something, so I guess he must be on some sort of low interest deal. I hope he has savings that equal that amount - but then he shouldn't be paying £3 interest - kind of misses the point of the credit card shuffle really doesn't it?

What should I do?

If you were my hubby, what would you want me to do?

Should I confront him about it? If I do, how can I do it gently and tactfully?

Or should I start paying money into the Barclaycard account as a subtle way of introducing the problem and cutting down the debt straight away? (The passive-aggressive approach I guess :P .)


Any advice from you lovely moneysavers would be greatly appreciated.

Silvah

fairylights_2

eeek! I think if he's that defensive about money, you probably need to be gentle about admitting that you looked. Prepare yourself, though, because it'll be harder before it gets easier.

Best case scenario - you have money in savings that will clear that debt and nothing to worry about.

Worst case scenario - that's just the first bill of a number that you don't know about.

My husband was one for not even opening letters from the bank until one day I just started opening them and got the shock of my life. It's been hard paying it off but we're getting there. He's just not interested in money (but is getting more so as we get closer to actually having some of our own) so it's been very hard graft getting him to see the numbers were what we owed. We sat the other night looking at the amount we owe and could say that it was things we could see (the sofa, two pairs of glasses - one each!, etc) rather than the mundane council tax and things that he had been putting on the card and telling me not to worry about. He might be of the same "it's not real money" mentality.

That said, he's sufficiently defensive that he might know exactly the problem. Perhaps the best way to deal with it is just to say that you want to get the finances straight, and what should you do with spare cash. If you start paying bits off without telling him, he's going to wonder what you're doing, and potentially feel insulted that you've not discussed it with him.

I have to say, my OH didn't realise what physical damage the worry of what financial state we were in was doing to me. I sleep better now than I have done in years, knowing that we're nearly there.

Confront him, but not in an aggressive way. Just say you'd like to set up a budget to live from, but need to know where things stand. It's worth a try

Good luck!

Gillby1

Hi Silvah,

You're right about this board - the threads are often inspiring and sometimes quite dramatic!

It is difficult to know what to suggest. There's a possibility (quite likely?) that your husband would be angry at your going behind his back and looking through his personal bank satements. Has he actually lied to you? Told you that he has no debts? Or does he just refuse to talk about it? Also, do you feel he spends money irresponsibly or is extravagant?

My partner and i are not married, and we keep our finances entirely private - paying the same amount towards food and bills etc... I think if your finances are completely seperate then he should be allowed his privacy to an extent, but if you are financially linked, or are struggling with money, then it may be more important for you to know the extent of his debt.

I think my first choice would be to try (again) to discuss money with with him first - without mentioning what you've found. I know you've tried that though, and maybe don't want to push the subject. :rolleyes:

Do you think there may be more credit cards/loans?

ITtim

I think your most tactfull approach would be to ask him if he has any money worries he wants to share with you. tell him that you notice he has been reluctant to let you in on the finances and you've guessed theirs a problem. any other way might make you look bad

silvah_2

Thank you so much already.

I guess I would look bad if I confronted him, wouldn't I? (Spending half an hour fiddling with little strips of paper makes me look obsessive at best... and at worst, a mistrustful snoop... GULP.)

I do worry that there are other debts. I know for sure he has at least 3 other credit cards and a student loan. And I must admit his spending does seem extravagant sometimes. He has about 70 T-shirts and probably 50 jackets. We have 5 mobile phones, 2 laptops, 2 desktops and 4 hifi systems.

He keeps swithering this way and that; one the one hand, saying we need to curtail our spending; on the other, coming home with a new swanky gadget.

I wish I could say whether we were struggling with money - because I just don't know the whole situation. I used to rein in my spending according to well or badly I was doing, but this confuses me as I have no idea how much I am able to splash the cash. It's complicated by the fact that I am self-employed and have to balance how much I give myself in wages (in order to pay personal bills) with investing in growing the business.

Maybe I should try the classic dripping tap approach - if I keep asking him (in nice ways, but also reminding him that I am worried about it), maybe he'll get fed up and give in?

Silvah

illmonkey

do you even know how much he earns? he could be on a lot of money and has a small debt so hes not to worried. Dont you have a joint bank account, so can go to bank and look at all of the outgoings/incommings of salery.

You may want to just keep dropping hints, maybe ask about saving towards something special or something. Like you said, he might get the hint and let you in on it. You also might just ask him bluntly. surly in a marrage he shouldnt be hiding debts etc.

1313

To some people being a hundred pounds in debt is as worrying as someone with 70K in debt.

OK so he is £3200 in debt and paying £60 a month. Now this could be a massive outgoing; as we do not know your income, it could also just be a drop in the ocean and not a problem. Only you will really know that.

If "any" debt worries you, you could spend a whole month checking to see if there are any more debts. Then you will know wether to worry or not, or be ready to act if there is a problem.

Oh just do it - if you get caught then flatter the eyelids and and explain its cause you care!

8pnoodles

If you do decide to talk to him about this, do exactly that. Talk to him, don't "confront" him.

Sit him down with his favourite food/drink and ask to talk to him. Try everything you can do to see it from his viewpoint and talk from his viewpoint too. The very second you try and say any of this is his fault and he shouldn't have done it he'll stop talking.

He must know full well what he's been up to was a big mistake, so you don't need to explain that to him!

Just sit down and show him a budget planner you've made up, let him have some leeway in it, and basically bend over backwards in every way you can and that's probably the only way he'll be 100% upfront with you. And also realise it's going to take him time to get used to a budget.

I use this tack on my bloke. Any time I think he's done something that would upset me, I joke about it, make light of it, anything to get the info out of him. When he tells me I'm fine about whatever it is. Then a bit later on, after he's all calm and happy about things, I'll gently say, but can you make sure you won't do that again, because I don't think I'd like it. Please?

Works wonders.

There is a chance otherwise he may not tell you the full story. And you both have to work as a team on this to sort it out. Say that, don't feel you have to look at him while you talk, but hold his hand and talk about it as "our" problem, not his.

Good luck!

PS. As you are married, you may be able to get info from getting your credit reports from experian and equifax as your files may well be linked by now, but don't quote me.

Gillby1

You say you don't know how much you can spend? I assume this means that you do share your money with your husband? In which case it is important that you both know where you stand. Perhaps try explaining to him that you are in the dark about your joint money siuation and would like to know if you need to cut back.

I think i'd be concerned that there were other debts, and i would want to know the extent of them. It sounds (and i may be making a wild assumption here) as if he's aware that he is in debt and shouldn't be spending, but hasn't yet faced up to the reality of getting it under control.

One of your first comments was that your first year of marriage has been fantastic. That's a promising start if ever there was one! I'm sure you'll work it out between you. Let us know how it goes (if you want to). Good luck !x!x!

Robert_Sterling_3

I do not think that secrecy over financial matters is a good basis for a long and happy marriage.

johannamse

Confront him NOW.

If he is in debt, he will thank you for it this time next year. I think he will rile up and be angry at you, but if you want your marriage to last and for you both to be truly without stress, you have to do something.

If he is being that secretive, it would suggest that he has more debts, and if he is spending quite wildly, but mixed with "we must stop spending", it suggests to me that he is probably quite worried about his own finances, but is unsure how to tackle them.

Get him to be totally honest with you. Get it all down on paper. TRY NOT TO SHOUT. Make a plan, and talk EVERYTHING through.

This could be the best thing you ever did to create a safe and happy future for you both, before you have children / things get worse.

Good Luck.