Made a shocking discovery today... what would you do?

voodoozoe

Well however you tackle it, IT REALLY NEEDS TACKLING!!!!!! Because you are married, you are legally both responsible for those debts. If the worst was to happen and he was to be made bankrupt, YOU would lose EVERYTHING too...that means YOUR (half of?) house, YOUR savings and YOUR possessions...anything you BOTH have that is not going to cause you 'hardship'.
I am not married to my partner (undischarged bankrupt) but they still had a damn good go at getting money from me too...being married you wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

GOOD LUCK in sorting it out!!!

Bossyboots

I am not going to give any advice and haven't read everything here but I will tell you about my friend.

She could not understand where all their money went each month although she knew some went on her husband's mistresses. He too was defensive about money, whisked away bank statements before anyone could read them and then started getting telephone calls.

With the help of her children and myself, we managed to track down his paperwork and after sending us away (so we couldn't take the flak) she broke open his brief case. It was full of bills, receipts and loan agreements. This was in addition to the bag full of similar documents found in the garage. By the time we had worked it out, it came to around £40,000 of debts and loans.

I would say you have to confront him. This is your life too. Little consolation at having kept the peace when the bailiffs arrive. You need to know what your position is and if he cannot see that this should be shared, then I fear for your marriage. You are right that you are a team and what he does affects you and vice versa. My husband and I have separate accounts but none of the paperwork is secret from the other.

The confrontation might not be pleasant, but you are in this together and he has to see that.

silvah_2

Great idea about the credit check! I'm going to have a peek just now. I need to get it done anyway because I'm not sure how moving and changing name has affected my credit score. Perhaps that's the way I could broach the subject with him - if I do a credit check and see something funny, I can then ask him about it quite innocently.

We do share money - kind of. We both have our own accounts and we have a joint account, which was in theory supposed to be there for paying all our household bills, and anything left over is pocket money for us, but he hasn't got around to switching all the direct debits etc to that account. I do like the idea of managing our money seperately, but that might not be tax efficient.

There is also the thought (God forbid) that if he was run over by a bus, I might inherit a horrible debt situation at the same time as having to deal with the loss of the love of my life. I'd rather know now!

This is the only thing that is a problem in our marriage - everything else is going so well, and we've managed through some quite tough times in our first year. I'm sure we could get through this quite easily - if only we could talk about it openly.

silvah_2

Ooops sorry posted that before reading extra comments above.

It seems to be 50% confront him and 50% keep pressing gently.

I will have a go and see what the credit report digs up and hopefully report back later.

BWZN93

Im in agreement with voodoozoe - if you jointly own a house and this isnt sorted - then you could lose it.

If you are married then he shouldnt be being secretive - even if you do have separate finances - both of you need to know whats going on at all times as you are linked in every way and what he does could have a direct impact on your life and vice versa.

It sounds as if you are already curious and I dont blame you, if he was upfront and honest then you wouldnt be sitting in front of a shredder wondering.

If he was mine there would be trouble ahead for him!

Jo xx

Ember999

silvah wrote:

Thank you so much already.

I guess I would look bad if I confronted him, wouldn't I? (Spending half an hour fiddling with little strips of paper makes me look obsessive at best... and at worst, a mistrustful snoop... GULP.)

I do worry that there are other debts. I know for sure he has at least 3 other credit cards and a student loan. And I must admit his spending does seem extravagant sometimes. He has about 70 T-shirts and probably 50 jackets. We have 5 mobile phones, 2 laptops, 2 desktops and 4 hifi systems.

He keeps swithering this way and that; one the one hand, saying we need to curtail our spending; on the other, coming home with a new swanky gadget.

I wish I could say whether we were struggling with money - because I just don't know the whole situation. I used to rein in my spending according to well or badly I was doing, but this confuses me as I have no idea how much I am able to splash the cash. It's complicated by the fact that I am self-employed and have to balance how much I give myself in wages (in order to pay personal bills) with investing in growing the business.

Maybe I should try the classic dripping tap approach - if I keep asking him (in nice ways, but also reminding him that I am worried about it), maybe he'll get fed up and give in?

Silvah

My opinion is this, for what it is worth You are not a snoop! You have a right to know what is happening with your family finances as you are married! His money is yours, yours is his etc. Same applies with debts. If my husband was hiding statements from me, I'd see him in the divorce courts, for sure. Under no circumstances would I tolerate deceit, lies and hiding things from me and he is of the same opinion. It spells trouble for you and your marriage. I think you should tell him you had to go to extreem lengths to find out what is going on and if he doesn't like it, tough! He shouldn't hide things that are your business too!

Ember xx

Spendless

My story is similar to Bossyboots. A friend recently caught her husband coming out of another womans house. This is the 3rd time (that we know of) that he has cheated. Last time it was with a close friend of hers. Friend has thrown hubby out. She is hearing stories about her husband having a bank account which he funds the other woman out of. Friend has no idea whether its true or not as she doesn't know what her husband earns or what his debts/savings are. Not that I'm suggesting that your own hubby has a secret mistress. Having seperate finances/accounts is fine having secretive finances IMO is not.

Bun

Only you know your husband, and at the end of the day, you need this sorting in a way you know will work.

I have been in a similar situation, and it actually was fault of both sides, so both of us had to change.It made it easier to come up with an action plan and reduced the blame game a bit.He needs to be more open, you need to be more proactive (as they say in job interviews). Maybe he has been stung by somebody before? Family history he doesn't want repeating? That sort of thing.Personally I think that if he is buying reams of things he doesn't use - 50 jackets etc - then there is a problem. I think destroying or not reading mail is another sign.
You could have a general financial discussion covering all areas you have mentioned you're worried about here. You are self employed and the lower wage earner - how would you cope if god forbid anything happened? Do you have life assurance/insurance etc so you would be financially ok? That way you may find out what you need (and it is need) to know without it being so much of a confrontation. Let him know how worried you are about finances as a whole. He needs to respect you and know that deceit is not what you want your marriage to be based on.

I hope it works out for you.

nitrocat

"While he wasn't here, I opened the shredder in the study and pieced together his Barclaycard statement."
Nice one. Smart.
For what its worth:
Stay smart and confront him, gently first and see how it goes.
If he spills the beans then listen & don’t say anything till he has finished. If it does not work then confront him more directly with the evidence.
For some people it takes a lot of guts to admit things. But you are in a marriage and there must be trust and communication for it to survive long term.
I feel you have done no wrong, as the fact that you had an inclination that something was up and had to piece the letter together rather than him tell you, is his doing not yours as you are essentially only trying to help you AND him. You have the right to protect yourself from harm.
All the best luck with it. Nitrocat.

roversbabe

Hi there

I would find it very worrying if I had no idea on my DHs finances, especially as being married, this would affect me.

I would gently nudge for information and definitely check your own credit file as he may be linked. Good luck.

rb x