This is the new me!!!

Sea78

Hi

Thanks for all your comments. We went to the playground- the kids loved it, DS did his first standing up wee (sure you all wanted to know that!! ) and it was good to get out.

I'm not completely decided about the whole divorce thing. Well, I'm sure I want it, but it's all difficult and need lots of thought. As it's the bank hol this weekend, I will see the solicitor at the beginning of next week and then hopefully will have had some time to think it over.

With regards to the money - these are the figures:
Mortgage outstanding: £94,000ish
House value ish: £150,000 (if lucky)
Secured loan through his work, which he would need to clear if leaving work immediately, but could transfer it to a different property):£21,300
Current debt(in my name): £24,000ish - need to sort out how much.
Then fees for split could be anything - depending on whether he contests things and makes things difficult - could be £1000, up to anything really.

So therefore if we sold the house, there would be a possible £10,000 equity but then that's only if the house sold for the higher amount, and also would probably disappear through fees, legal costs etc.

Therefore, he's getting a good deal by getting the loan back, and I'm hoping that this means he'll be more amicable and also don't want to screw him completely. Now I know that he's been a complete !!!! at times, but he is, and will always be, the kids dad, and I feel bad. I want to try to be as decent as possible, and unfortunately his guilt trips work very well and always have, hence why I am only now going through this all.

Oh it's just all so horrible.

Seaxwyn

Sea, have you posted on the Families and Relationships board? There may be divorce experts over there. I don't think you should definitely agree to give him the 21k without fully understanding all the legal opinions and options. Why shouldn't he have the debt in his name if you have 24k in yours?

Sea78

I will go over there later - just feel a bit funny about it I guess!

Karmacat

This seems dangerous to me, Sea. Of course you don't want to screw him, but you don't want to screw yourself either. You have to block out his attempts to guilt trip you, and try to think logically. Thats doesn't mean, don't think decently. Decency and logic can certainly go together.

Do check out Seaxwyn's suggestion.

Sea78

I will do - thing is, I've already changed what I said at the beginning about joint time between us with the custody, and, to him, he's happy and I'm the one who isn't and hterefore I'm the one who is turning everything on it's head. He's done a lot to the house and has increased it's value that way. He's going to be moving back in with his mother, which I can imagine will not be wonderful, although it is a huge house, so not like he'll be in her shadow all the time. So I feel like I kind of 'owe', although that is the wrong word, him this - will allow him to pay off the debt, or use as a deposit for somewhere else, etc. I do earn more than him, and will get benefits (child benefit and tax credit) so will have that extra, and as I already do a lot of the buying etc for the children, as well as other stuff, I won't be hugely worse off apart from the debt payments will reduce a lot. Will go have a read now - kids are bathed and in bed and OH is nowhere to be seen.

taxi73

That's a good idea to think things over the weekend.

vandanfc

I think that this is maybe the time for some lists ! Pros and cons of:

going for divorce via "unreasonable behaviour" route

waiting 2 years for amicable divorce

how much money you should pay him and why - as you have been the higher wage earner, have you paid a greater proportion of this things such as mortgage payments/ bills etc, if so keep this in mind.

how much you need to provide for the children's futures - is he going to pay maintenance at all ?


Are you actually planning to sell up or just give him his share ?

Lemon_Tree

hi Sea, glad to see that the meeting went ok. You have lots of decisions to make and are wise to take a little bit of time to make your decisions. I don't have children but i am the product of what used to be called a 'broken home', and from experience would say that what made my parents happier was the best thing for us. Yes there was uncertainty for a while and it couldn't have been the best time for any of us but in the end, certainty and the happiness of my parents certainly helped my sister and i grow up into 'normal.... ish' (lol) people.

Ches

Lurker here (I ought to change my user name). I am sure you have thought of this but I felt I had to say it too. If his loan is secured on the house and if you want to clear it for him so he can have a fresh start then thats fine. But if he wants the money for a deposit on another property how can you be sure he will transfer the loan over to that property and not leave you with it. Bad grammer but I hope you can make sense of it.

vandanfc

Sea is everything okay ? Not heard from you for a few days !!!