So frightened of the shame of it

wherediditallgo

Don't feel ashamed, Dorothy. You'd be surprised at how many people stick a smile on their face to get through the day, yet are fighting their own financial demons on the quiet at home. Someone approached me not too long ago to ask me for help in organising their finances - they've not got a clue that I'm BR, & I'm stunned at their situation, because I'd never have known but for them telling me. Yes, your name will be in the local paper & yes some people may judge you (very few would ever dream of saying something to you though), but you know what? I bet more than a few will have a sneaking admiration for you taking the bull by the horns to sort out your problems.

Many people have been told that going BR is the right thing for them, but they worry so much about what other people think that they don't do it, & they get further & further into debt, all the time trying to keep a brave face on things. When I was sat where you are now, worrying how I'd cope with people knowing, I turned the question around - rather than asking myself what I'd do if I went BR, I asked myself what would happen if I didn't. My answers were I could end up homeless, jobless, in even worse health than I was already in & tempted by quick-rich schemes that could have got me in a lot of trouble. Would any of those people I thought might judge me who didn't actually matter that much house me, feed me, give me a job, give me any money, look after me when I got sick? The answer was "No" to all of those.

The only people who matter are those who you matter to & who matter to you. Your family will be upset, but they'll still be there, & they're the only ones who matter - not the neighbours, the milkman, the woman in the corner shop.

Dorothy56

Hi my forum pals

Bit of a quandary going on in the old grey matter today:

If only I declare myself bankrupt it means my dh then has responsibility for our joint loans, as well as any other credit in his own name.

As one of our joint loans is to my sister, this means she would still get paid.

Hypothetically. to put it in perspective I will work it on 150k debts

and a joint income of 100k split absolutely 50/50

Total debt split 120k my name and 30k dh

of the 120k in my name 25k is joint

which following bc would mean dh's debts go up to 55k.

So in effect my income is then supporting his payments as his % share of our household expenditure would then be less than mine.

Does this make sense to anyone???

dalip

NO

Joking.....yes but i don't get your drift. That happens in a lot of cases. If those debts are manageable after your bc or a DMP achievable then ok.

If after your bc they are not the answer is there. As far as your sister is concerned she would have to be listed as a creditor if you both go bc. If you choose to repay her out of your surplus then do it but keep quiet.DippyXX

Dorothy56

Thanks for that Dippy. My drift is that I recall, somewhere within this esteemed forum, that you can't be seen to be loading all the post BC debt on one of you, to the detriment of your SOA surplus which would affect the calculation of a possible IPA.

i.e. the non BC partner making a much lower contribution to cover monthly expenditure.

I know what I mean, it's just trying to explain it that's the difficult part!!

dalip

Yes thats why if you both "earn" equal amounts then your OH's contribution to household bills would be 50% he would then be expeced to pay his debts ect from any surplus,whereas yours would go towards an IPA. If there is no surplus then to my way of thinking you have no option but to both go bc.x

Dorothy56

This morning I took the decision to answer every phone call we recieved, following a lengthy period of selective answering having had caller display added. I even took down all the numbers from 1571:eek: . (Bravery award given by my OH)

So armed with a very large mug of tea I made my way through them all. I lost count of the calls/creditors/debt collection agencies and even solicitors that I spoke to. I explained our situation to each of them and, must say, was amazed by how nice everyone was. However, I did not tell them we had decided to declare ourselves BR.

Yes, both of us. As our income is essentially joint; it's entirely benefits and allowances, it makes sense. After many late at night discussions, we decided we would declare bankruptcy together.

Today I rang the court and we have our appointment at 10 am on 3rd December. The clerk was so kind, even saying we can go in and see the Judge together - I had told her I thought I would faint on the day. She assured me it would be either herself or another 'friendly' lady who she works with, that would help us on the day. She told me to expect to be there for about one and a half to two hours, but that they have quite a nice little cafe on site where we could have a cup of tea and a cake.

Last week we set up our new joint co-op account. Problem is our income is made up of over 20 different amounts from various places, so there is no way we can arrange for all the payments to be changed over quickly. Should we take the plunge with asking them to start crediting our new account now? My fear is what would happen if the OR then froze that account.

I am also concerned about the amount of money that will be in our account - but we will need it to pay our rent, rates and other bills etc. Should we take it all out and then put it all back in again? Seems a bit daft, but I'm a bit confused over that bit of the process.

We have decided not to tell any of my husband's family - his parents are both in their 80's and in poor health, so we can't see the point. Also his brothers and sister all live a very long way from us and aren't really involved in our lives on a day to day basis, so we have decided against telling them as well.

My family all died about five years ago, so I don't have that to consider, but I have already told my only remaining relative and he has been wonderful.

I still have some days when I am very down about it all and feel such a failure and then look at my life as a whole and figure I am not such a bad egg after all.

As all our income is benefits and allowances I believe any IPA would be wholly voluntary, but if we don't make such an agreement would they be inclined to make my BRU longer? I know my OH will not get a BRU as he didn't know anything about the debt and cannot be held accountable for my behaviour.

As you can see it is very late (or early depending on your perspective) I have been finding it increasingly difficult to sleep. I just want it all over and to be able to start again without dreading the post or the phone ringing.

Last night I saw my G.P., about something unrelated, she doesn't know about any of this, and was relieved to find my blood pressure was only 117 over 73. I had expected it to be sky high. Maybe my body is beginning to relax just knowing it will all soon be over :rotfl:

Without this forum I do not know what I would have done. Your generous help has been priceless and I cannot thank you all enough.

Unfortunately due to our circumstances I cannot post our SOA but have had help from some of you privately (you know who you are) and I send you all the biggest hugs and gratitude for your support and encouragement at this most difficult time in our lives.

Dorothy

Debt_Free_Chick

Amazing post Dorothy - I can hear your relief, already. There is nothing for you to beat yourself up about. Not being able to manage your money does not make you a bad person.

I'll let the other peeps reply to your specific questions, but wanted to wish you all the very best. You're almost there

dalip

Hi Dotty
Give me a nudge when you can;) .
Pleased to hear you have finally made the decision to both go bc. If it's any help i think you have made the right choice.

As far as your new account is concerned i can not see any judge in this country freezing it given your circumstances and needs,so i would change all payments over.

They won't, to my mind make a bru longer just because you won't agee to an IPA.

You sound a lot more positive which is good. I hope this is all over for you soon.Take care girl.Dippyxxx

Dorothy56

Good morning Dippy

Every time I go on Messenger you're either not there are are away - living the high life no doubt!!!:D

Will chat next time I see you on there .....the saga continues;)

your old pal

Dotty

fiveyearplan

Hi Dorothy,

I know it is a hard decision to make but since you've made it, I'm glad to see the calm coming - good news about BP! I don't know all of your circumstances - although I have read all your posts! I wish you all the best and good luck on the day. I must add going to court is the easy bit. Once you've gone that far you are over the worst and going to court just finalises it.