So frightened of the shame of it

Dorothy56

I have come to the conclusion that the only way to go is bankruptcy. I have filled in the online forms but have not found the courage to hit the submit button yet, plus I am not sure exactly what I should be putting in the Income and Expenditure part of it. How to split incomes and expenses etc.

We live in a rented house and I have yet to summon the courage to go and let our landlord know that I am considering this course of action. It will not affect their rent from us as the tenancy is in joint names and my husband is not bankrupt, also his income will be more than sufficient to cover it. I have read and re-read the tenancy agreement and there is no mention of bankruptcy in it. But it's the idea of telling them that terrifies me.

I just feel so ashamed. Also the idea of people reading about it in the local newspaper - and my children finding out.

I know those who love me are supportive, but I also dread my husband's family finding out. I can't bear the idea of people talking about me.

To make matters worse we live in a small rural village where everybody knows who I am. I am seen as a very respectable and successful woman.

I feel I have let everybody down. I have a great husband and family and they don't deserve me bringing this on them.

There are no excuses, I brought the whole awful situation upon myself. How do other people get through this?

Dez-Titute

Hi Dorothy,

Have you had any advice from any of the Debt Charities if not you should contact one or all of the following National Debtline - Tel: 0808 808 4000 | The Consumer Credit Counselling Service (CCCS) - Tel: 0800 138 1111 | local Citizens Advice Bureau.

If you put your Statement of Affairs (income & expenditure) up on here then the someone here will be able give further guidance.

Is your OH aware of the situation?

I am sure your OH and family will support you all the way which ever route you take,you haven't let anybody down and it's no good looking back you can't change the past but you can influence the future.

Take advice on your situation and keep posting you will get loads of support from all the good folk on here.

Wish you well

DEz

Debt_Free_Chick

Hold your head up - there is nothing to be ashamed of. You are taking control, remember.

There is no point continuing to attempt to brush soot up the stairs with a brushless broom. In fact, that would be something to be ashamed of

You have assessed your situation and seen that the numbers do not add up - so you are dealing with that. Be proud of it!

I think you will find it easier if you tell people - in a confident "I'm in control" manner. Start with the LL. Then your children. Tell them there's nothing to be worried about, but that they ought to know that you're calling it a day with your debts and declaring bankruptcy, so that the OR can help you to get them all satisfied.

That's all they need to know

Good luck - we can help if you want to keep posting.

k2nga

I got to be honest unless you feel the need i dont think you have to tell your LL. I was not in rent arrears when i went BR so they never contacted the LL. It also goes without saying that most LL will not care as long as they are getting your rent from you.

Dont be ashamed about being BR and just remember that you are likely to hear more and more about people going BR with the current climate the way it is and we may well yet out number solvent people. he he

Please dont worry and i hope you get it all done soon so that you can put the past behind and begin to look forward.

Dorothy56

Thank you so much for your kind replies. I especially liked the analogy of sweeping soot up the stairs! That is exactly what it has felt like.

We are not in any arrears with our rent, should I get a letter to that effect from our landlords office?

I can't blame the current credit crunch or economic climate for my troubles. Our income is not affected by it. But I can trace back my overspending to when I lost both my parents and sister within a month of one another. Although the majority of what I spent was for our home and our children. It really went all terribly wrong after I had major surgery and was incapacitated for a considerable length of time. Not that this affected our income, but I was introduced to internet gambling......

Having enjoyed a marriage of absolute honesty I started hiding statements from my husband. It all came out when his debit card and credit cards were rejected. He has been amazing. I am perfectly prepared to accept the consequences for MY actions, but horrified that it should affect them, who are all innocent.

I have spoken to National Debt Helpline and we also had a DMP with CCCS, but all paid out of my husbands income. Which means he and our children are effectively paying for what I did.

I can't believe I could have done this to them

Debt_Free_Chick

Dorothy56 wrote: »

Thank you so much for your kind replies. I especially liked the analogy of sweeping soot up the stairs! That is exactly what it has felt like.

We are not in any arrears with our rent, should I get a letter to that effect from our landlords office?

I can't blame the current credit crunch or economic climate for my troubles. Our income is not affected by it. But I can trace back my overspending to when I lost both my parents and sister within a month of one another. Although the majority of what I spent was for our home and our children. It really went all terribly wrong after I had major surgery and was incapacitated for a considerable length of time. Not that this affected our income, but I was introduced to internet gambling......

Having enjoyed a marriage of absolute honesty I started hiding statements from my husband. It all came out when his debit card and credit cards were rejected. He has been amazing. I am perfectly prepared to accept the consequences for MY actions, but horrified that it should affect them, who are all innocent.

I have spoken to National Debt Helpline and we also had a DMP with CCCS, but all paid out of my husbands income. Which means he and our children are effectively paying for what I did.

Welcome back - so glad you've seen the support we can offer :T :T :T

Whilst it's important to understand where you've overspent in the past, you must NOT beat yourself up about it. Losing one close member of your family is devastating. Two, close together, is unbearable .... three .... well, you've done well to stay the course, haven't you? It really must have been the most traumatic thing anyone could go through. I've been off the rails on a relationship breakdown, but you really have been through the mill on this one.

Time to move on, maybe?

I can't believe I could have done this to them

You've not done anything to anyone ..... at least not intentionally. I guarantee that they will be upset and they won't believe that they didn't see you needed support and/or that you didn't ask them to help out.

Time for you all to club together and support eachother - which was partly why I suggested that you tell your children. "Shame" about bankruptcy is generational thing - the younger you are, the less of an issue it is.

Do, please, tell your kids - but only once you've summonsed the strength, confidence and unshaking self-esteem to do so.

betterlatethannever

Hi Dorothy,
firstly, as your not in arrears and theres no mention of BR in your tenancy agreement, then say nothing. I wouldn't ask for a letter either. The OR will be able to see your up-todate as he'll have all your bank statements. They may ask for a copy of your TA, but that should be all. Some Ors do inform your LL, but most don't.

Secondly (as DFC has said while i was typing:D ) you've done nothing wrong, not in the great scheme of things anyway. Your facing up to your problem and not running away from it, which makes you a strong and capable person that should be respected.
If your kids or family/friends were in such trouble would you prefer it if they didn't tell you? would you really rather they faced this nightmare alone ?
My parents are quite old school and very capable with money (they've never even had an OD:mad: ) yet have been amazingly supportive of me and understand how much harder thinsg are now. They also have shown no shame and have told there close friends.

If people respect you now, then true freinds will not respect you any less for going BR.

I know i flog this thread everytime, but it helped me a lot. Have a look here http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=420969&highlight=famous+bankrupts
The only problem i can foresee is the gambling. I don't want exact figures, but was it a lot or just a flutter here and there?

Keep your chin up, it does get better.

Hope that helps

BLTN x

Edit: link now works

maxmycardagain

if a years personal BR's were to turn up for a meeting Old Trafford would be full

twice over

in fact, more than twice over

nice to be just a face in the crowd sometimes int it!

SuziQ

I always feel so sad when I read this sort of thread where the poster is suffering so badly. You are lucky in as much as you have a supportive husband and family-they are the only ones that matter at the end of the day. I understand your embarassment being in a small village but the judgemental ones are not worth knowing anyway.
Hope you get it all sorted soon-they will soon move on to gossiping about some other poor soul!

Dorothy56

Thank you for that. I have always instilled in my children that you mustn't buy anything if you don't have the money! I suppose that was my way of hoping they never get in the mess I am in. But to admit to them that I have basically been lying to them....I don't know if I can do that.

Just thought, even if I don't let my landlord know and the reciever doesn't contact him, he may well still read about it.

I could do with a box full of courage.

Dorothy56

I think the gambling came to about 25K. I haven't added it all up yet. I know I need to get out all the old statements and add it up.

The other thing is that I don't have a bank account in my name anymore. My husband opened one in his name only, which was a godsend in all honesty. Will the receiver want to see his bank statements as they show the rent being paid?

Sorry, so many questions.

A big thank you to all you strangers out there who are taking your time to help me. I really do appreciate it.

Dorothy