My whole life has gone BANG

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
83 replies 10.8K views


    1.2K Posts
    Hi Needofhelp, god what a f?>ed up situation.

    As well as saying I feel for you mate, I really want you to think about getting some professional / legal advice yourself.

    Sounds as if she wants the perfect life - and there's a distinct posibility your going to end badly out of it.

    Take care bud and whatever you do, keep talking about it... You sound like a great guy who's going though a very difficult situation.

    Take care
    There is no need to run outside
    For better seeing,
    Nor to peer from a window.
    Rather abide at the center of your being.

    Lao Tzu
  • TBH I do not think she knows what the perfect life is currently. I do not want to get legal or professional advice, as we are best friends, and do still love each other. She is just wanting different things. She said she could stay with me for ever and be happy, but it would not have the spark she wants, and she would always wonder what if.

    She also said only feels her self when she is out the house with other people.

    {But the house is a problem anyway, she has sort of OCD and always thinks its dirty or messy when its not. And when she is in she constantly having to be doing somthing. She would rather clean the fridge or tidy up than play with the kids, if she felt it was dirty. I am not saying she is a bad mam, its j ust stuff like that messes with her head.}

    When she is out it tends to be when she does not have the kids with her. We have been out twice as a couple this year. She tends to go out with work 2\3 times a month and I watch the kids. Which is when she says she feels herself.

    Which does not bother me. But I feel like she gets that freedom and thinks that is what life would be like if she was single again. Which it would be maybe once a week. for a few hours.

    I sort of think she is just taking the whole relationship as granted and wants to be free. But does not realise what I fetch to her life, on all the different levels.

    She said yesterday she felt her true self for the first time in ages, when she was out with the kids yesterday, but I aksed her what was different to this time last week or the day before and she did not know. It was no different to normal. I work 9-5 and she has the kids the 3 days she is not in work.

    We talked again last nite and she said she had never felt the instant spark between us, and we just ended up together. Even tho she done the chasing, and we split once in the first year, and we got back togehter, when I paniced about the relationship and if it was right. (which it was, and I was being stupid)

    She said we never did the normal relationship thing in the first 6 months and lacked a spark (which I disagree with) then and never did the talk and get to know each other, which is true, but she had a 18 month year old at the time, and I had \have problems with my mother, so through the days he was the soul attention and at night it was us relaxing etc. When we did get to go out we had a meal and a drink.

    I would loved to have done the romantic walk in the park, or beach or the sunday morning coffee shop with a paper.

    But we could not really do it with the 18 month year old, and sort of jumped to the 6 month stage pretty quickly. As we had to be settled and stable for him. We never really moved intogether till we bought the house, 18months after meeting, but I did stay 3/4times a week

    I just feel she is looking back on the last 7 years as a drift, when it was far from it. She is forgetting all the fun and feelings we had \ have for each other. As the last 6 months has being so bad. And what she thinks is left is just dull and flat. And with people in her hear saying life could be so different etc. She is beliving it.

    I know what she wants, is to feel the rush of a new relationship, but 6 months down the line it will be back to square one.

    sorry for ramble, just need to get it off my chest. it helps me sort my thoughts out
  • jay11_2jay11_2 Forumite
    3.7K Posts
    Aaw ((((hugs)))), sounds as though it's out of your hands, so sorry hun, hopefully the relate/counselling will change her way of thinking. She sounds as though she needs some fulfillment in her life. What a pity she didn't choose a new career or something. Really hope it gets sorted how you want, xx
  • Went to relate today...

    It helped that we talked to somebody indipendent, that it was impartial advice. They also said to go back to the doctors and explain about the massive highs and downs with the ocdness

    But the problem is still she does not know what we she wants from her life, and said if it was not for the kids she would run away from it all, as its all to much

    It feels like she looks back at the last 7 years as just somthing that happened and she is not sure she wants it to continue. It hurts in the fact that she felt she could never tell me she was not happy. Or that I was not doing enough to heep her happy. And that everything I have ever dones was just going through the motions. and it takes allt his stress to make her talk or feel up happy about me, or what she has. When all I have everdone was try mybest for her. It just seems like my best isnt good enough for her anymore and she just wants to changei t all

    Her quote today on the way home was "our marrige is !!!!" which I feels its not and we need to work on the problems. But till she decides on what she wants I just need to try and do as much as I can to help her, without crowding her. But its hard when she does not know what she wants.

    On the waiting list for a proper appointment now from them, which i would imagine is when we come back from spain.

    Just hope she can remmember all the love I have for her in the past and in the future, with throughout all this crazyness. As i know she does not know if she wants this life, but its the one I let her mould.

    I am prepared to work on this in the future I just hope she is.
  • Steel_2Steel_2 Forumite
    1.6K Posts

    I'm glad she went with you to the session.

    My instinct is that she's the one who may have been going through the motions. That she may be looking for an excuse from you to be able to leave the marriage. I sense that she wants to blame you, rather than take responsibility.

    I'm quite concerned from some of your past emails that she wants to go with the kids. I think if she goes, then you should put your foot down and she goes without the kids. You have been doing the lionshare of the care of these children for the last year while she's been with her family. You are the main caregiver now, not her.

    In her current state of mind, I would not let her leave with the children. She is putting herself first, not them, and in her current state of mind that's probably all she can do right now. At a later date she may be able to do more and you can sort out the care arrangements then, but for now if she wants to leave in a month she can leave and get herself set up somewhere so she can provide a stable environment for them to visit.

    It's time for you to start thinking about yourself and your future. She's going to take these kids on a one women voyage of discovery regardless of whether they want to go or not. And that's not right.

    By all means support her, but don't give her everything she wants or carte blanche to walk all over you. Don't be frightened to stand up to her so you get what you need to.
    "carpe that diem"
  • saveallmymoneysaveallmymoney Forumite
    281 Posts
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Combo Breaker
    what Steel said....
  • ~Chameleon~~Chameleon~ Forumite
    12K Posts
    It sounds as though she's got what is called the "seven-year itch". I went through something very similar some years ago but I took the decision to opt out of my marriage, for pretty much the same reasons your wife is wanting to walk away now.

    I can tell you though that she won't be in for an easy ride if she takes this path and [strike]may[/strike] will live to regret it. Oh she'll be fine for the first year or so, especially if she's riding on a "high" through it, but then the reality of it all will slap her in the face and she'll find it very difficult to cope but by then the damage will be done and there'll be no going back.

    It's good that she's agreed to go to Relate with you, although I'm not 100% certain that this alone will be sufficient to turn things around. As Steel said above though, don't let her take the children. If she wants to leave then she must go alone. It won't be fair to put them through the rollercoaster journy that will become her life over the following months/years. They need the stability that you are already providing them.

    My heart goes out to you in all this, it really does, and I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you can manage to come to a sensible compromise together :A
    “You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time.”
  • foxy-ladyfoxy-lady Forumite
    506 Posts
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Combo Breaker
    Needofhelp- my heart goes out to you. Start standing up for yourself- maybe you're trying too hard?
    I have no sympathy for this woman. She sounds like a selfish whinger.

    Life is short- if she is unhappy she should have the guts to make a change in her life. Everyone wonders 'what if'- thats life.

    She is getting all this attention. Doesn't know what she wants?? She should have kept her feelings to herself untill she was sure- now you're both in turmoil. Even if she does stay in the marriage you will always wonder, be walking on eggshells. She doesn't know how lucky she is to have you.

    Just my opinion- i'm old school. Not much for the 'depressed' 'therapy' malarchy im afraid.

    I sincerely wish you happiness.
    Blissfully content & happy with life
  • Well, she left again last nite with the kids, had an argument at about 8pm and the 7 year old hear. So she left to go to her cousins for space.

    Some truths etc were told and hear so it might clear the air abit.
  • Gingham_RibbonGingham_Ribbon Forumite
    31.5K Posts
    I've been reading this with tears in my eyes. I really really hope everything works out for you.
    May all your dots fall silently to the ground.
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