My whole life has gone BANG

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
83 replies 10.8K views
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  • Well last nite she went to bed at 8pm, and is still in bed now at 10am. Said she does not want to get up. And wants to wallow in selfpitty.

    So I am taking the kids out for the day.

    She says she is only like this when I am around. Which may be true but when I am around she knows I will sort the kids out etc. And when other people is around she does put an act on. Which she thinks is fine.

    she also does not think she needs to talk to anybody body about her step dads death or mams attempted suicide. As she does not feel anything about it, and its fine.
  • Good old NHS, the counciler is busy so she is on a waiting list... Just found the letter today (I was at work early yesterday when it came)
  • SuziQSuziQ Forumite
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    Needofhelp wrote: »

    She says she is only like this when I am around. Which may be true but when I am around she knows I will sort the kids out etc. And when other people is around she does put an act on. Which she thinks is fine.

    .

    Sorry to barge in on your thread but really feel for you all :(

    Re the above,I'm afraid as the one person she can trust and rely on in all the world,you are getting the brunt of her depressive behaviour. I saw this often when I was Health Visiting,with mums suffering post natal depression,please do not read too much into what she said-I am sure that cut you to the bone but I don't think she is thinking straight,and if she was she may have phrased it better-ie I can only show how I really feel in front of you. Give those tablets time to work,keep focusing on the holiday,try not to 'jolly her along' too much as she may lash out verbally-other than that I think you are being an absolute treasure and deserve for this all to work out. I also think her mum needs to get proper care for herslef so that she is not relying so much on a vulnerable daughter who is also grieving.worried and has 2 children and a loving husband to consider-I do fear though, that if her mum is a regular drinker she may have developed a level of selfishness that is part of the alcoholic disease,which may mean she fails to see the hurt she is causing your wife.
    Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it!
  • journjourn Forumite
    231 Posts
    I really feel for you i bet you feel you are in a nightmare
    If your wife cannot talk to you she could write her feeling down on paper that way you are not in the dark.

    You are a a really caring husband .
  • Needofhelp wrote: »
    Good old NHS, the counciler is busy so she is on a waiting list... Just found the letter today (I was at work early yesterday when it came)
    HI, I've suffered blue spells, and had friends and partners suffer them too. it's a nasty tricksy illness, and more often than not what ever you try to do will be the wrong thing!?! I work as a support and mental health is massively under funded and it's incredibly hard to get decent help. I would highly recommend you contact your local MIND branch for advice and assistance. If there's anyway you can afford to pay for some therapy that might be a good idea, as most often doctors only offer 6 sessions of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy- which is fantastic for changing negative behaviours, but very challenging- a person has to be ready to change for it to be helpful. it sounds to me your wife could do with someone neutral to help identify her issues first.
    Also I wouldn't assume Bipolar because of mood swings, different personality types go up and down more than others. And if she tries really hard to be chirpy, and you use this as 'evidence' that she's bi polar- that's got to be very fustrating for her! People going through hard times will be up and down it's natural. Feelings are illogical.
    you seem to be doing a good job of looking after yourself and the kids, but don't do it as punishment- would you be angry with her if she couldn't get out of bed with a migraine, or a broken leg?
    Give her a kiss goodbye, tell her where you're going, don't lay any expectations on her over what you expect when you get back, and go out and have a lovely time with your children, without feeling guilty. And call on her friends and family for help with the kids- they'll probably be all too happy to help, but don't want to pry.
    Good luck.
  • kizzykizzywizzykizzykizzywizzy Forumite
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    Hi
    As you have seen my thread, you obviously know I'm having bad problems too.
    I just wanted to add my support.
    At least your wife has been to the doctors, I can't get my husband near one.
    Also I know when my Mum died, you do tend to push the person closest to you away. My Husband wasn't around when my Mum died & I felt really alone, & let down really - perhaps she feels she is dealing with this all alone - although really you are supporting your children - no idea, if I could understand how peoples minds work I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in.
    Anyway - you take care Hun, hope your story has a happier ending than mine x
    Comping again - wins so far : 2 V festival tix, 2 NFL tix, 6 bottles of wine, personalised hand soap, Aussie miracle conditioner :beer:

    Married my best friend 15/4/16 :)
  • Thanks for your words. We spoke today as she was more rational. She is in work now. (bar job)

    Yesterday she said that I only got her to go to the GPs to dope her up and change her mind. And then to go to the solicitors to get custody of the kids as she was mad !??!?! Which I would not want, as even tho its old fashioned the kids should be based at home with mam and stay at dads on a couple of days a week. To keep life as normal as possible

    Today she did say that was a bit irational.

    Her friends who only see the high side, say that a bottle of wine will help, but that seems to make the med have a had effect on her, gets really drunk after 1/2 glasses then totally irrational. I tried to say watch the alcohol but it sounds like i am preeching.

    Will the tablets really do anything to her, as she thinks they just make her tired and lose her appitite.

    Her biggest problem she says is, she does not know were she wants to be, and if she is still with me in 50 years, she does not know if she will regret it. (she even said she would be made to give it up and she is stupid thinking it), but it keeps playing on her mind. She then says if we did split up, should would still not know if she did the right thing in 50 years time.
  • SuziQSuziQ Forumite
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    The RIGHT antidepressents will work for her-sometimes people have to try a different one if nothing has changed after 4 weeks or so. It really is a bad idea to drink with most anti-depressents-apart from them reacting as you have described,alcohol is actually a depressent so not the best idea for someone already low in mood.Some do have s/e of tiredness and loss of appetite,and again sometimes a different one will be prescribed to see if that suits better.
    As in any situation you have to give it time-the problem developed over time and it can take the same amount of time plus some to get things sorted. Her comment about regretting staying with you etc is very common with folk who have had a life-changing situation such as a bereavement or illness. It can make you question things,and obviously in her current state of mind she is not able to rationalise the very normal doubts she is having prompted by her reaction to what's happened. She really does need to see a counsellor sooner rather than later,and I dare say you would also benefit from some psychological support as it is all falling on your shoulders!
    Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it!
  • Thanks, I will see what I can do for councilling, she said to me she did not need it as she felt nothing about the death and attempted suicide.

    re the relationship she thinks its pointless as everything is fine, she just does not know what to do with her life..
  • simpywimpysimpywimpy Forumite
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    Hello there. I am a counsellor myself and I would try to explain to your wife that the process of counselling is perhaps not what she thinks. Perhaps she is frightened someone is going to tell her there is something wrong with her (going off your first post where you said your wife always thinks the worst)

    It may be helpful to your wife to talk to a counsellor as it's someone completely independent from the whole situation. There is no judgement given, no diagnosis or being told what to do, but just a free space in her life where she can talk about anything she likes safely and without reprisals of any kind.

    unexpected, traumatic events like yours do make us look closer at our own lives. It can make us feel that time is running out for us and wonder if we really are getting the best out of life. There are no easy answers but with a counsellor, she may get the opportunity to explore these feelings more fully and gain a direction again that is good for her.

    Also, although you are writing about your wife, this must be a very unsettling time for you with wondering what will happen next etc. Don't be afraid of asking your GP or a local group for help and support for yourself. You are just as important in all this so don't forget to look after yourself

    We all need help in our lives at some point ,hence the success of this site for example.

    Whatever you both decide, I wish you the best of luck.
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