Marriage over don't know where to start

Gloomy_Past_Bright_Future

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

Hi Tesu
he's paying the mortgage & insurances as he's always said he would, what we need to work out is - if I ( when I ) meet someone, what will happen & how much will he pay as he says he will not pay the mortgage if someone else is living here. So I am not allowed to meet anyone really.
I've said that's instead of maintainance for the kids, he said it's way more than maintainance would be, so I said, ok wiggle out of that one then, just pay £59 a week like the CSA say you have to, then he says oh no I'll pay more than that, this is what we need to sort!
Also visits - keeping sheman, moose away & as he will need a part time job as well as his job to live ( well if you can call that a life ) he started saying it will have to be set days, i said no, I can't promise to set the days, the kids have parties, after school activities, you need to fit in with them, not the other way around. So then i got, well I won't get a part time job, then I won't be able to pay the mortgage so you'll have to sell!
He said I'm being very generous! - bloody cheek

Kizzy, piece of advice please take it.

Someone I know was in the same financial situation as you, (they split up about 5 months ago).

He moved out, carried on paying mortgage and bills and letting her have access to her joint account (she doesn't work, kids same age as yours). She applied for IS, yet still carried on using joint account (like you). IS office called them both in for meeting to discuss Child support both had to go in for a meeting with bank statements, (single accounts and current accounts).

She is in serious trouble for using joint account and claiming IS, and subsequently has to pay IS back, they did say she was lucky it didn't go further as the likelihood is it could have gone to court. They were also told that if he pays mortgage and bills, he DOES NOT have to pay CSA. Needless to say she is now in financial p00 p00, but only has herself to blaim.

Also when I applied for IS when my husband and I seperated for a short while last year, within 2 months I got called in for a meeting and to bring all my bank statements, to check through my spending. Also if you think you can get away with not showing your joint account, you are wrong, (I have been advised of this by someone in the know).. Government bodies are now using the Terrorism Act as a loophole to find out EVERYTHING about somebody, and that includes bank accounts.

I hope you don't think I am kicking you when you are down, but I would hate to see you in the same situation as the lady I am talking about especially when you are now debt free.

GPBF

Gloomy_Past_Bright_Future

Just spent a while catching up on the thread, and basically just want to put my pennys worth in about Chip.

It seems that when Chip is giving advice if its not what people want to hear, everyone turns into a man hating typist!

When me and OH seperated last year, I went on another forum, (parent centre), which covers all problems that families may come across.

The split between male/female posters is about 50/50, and it was fantastic to have male advice on how the male mind works!

As you all know me and OH got back together and are now solid.

So please be nice to Chip he seems to be fighting the male corner practically on his own and trust me, it really is great to get info on how men tick.

BE NICE TO CHIP!!

kizzykizzywizzy

Morning:o
I've had 2 & a half hours sleep, I rang him about 1.30am, because I'm in an absolute mess, I heeded to talk to someone & the person I would normally have talked to was him.
We were on the phone until gone 4am, HE steered the conversation around yet again to me wanting him back & yet again I said yes I do!
I know I know:eek: , & do you know what he said? Well if this relationship fails ( as you keep saying it will, then I'll come back & try! ) well that really got my back up, I said no I won't be second best. I said I can't believe you said that! He said sorry I shouldn't have.
So now I've turned into a nutter ringing him for hours going over the same stuff asking him back again crying my heart out telling how I can't cope.
Probably annoying SIL, as he said he could hear her moving around last night, so we probably woke her up.
He said again about moving back here, which I said No only if you want to be with me!
I'm in such a mess mentally, I told him I'd never ask again about him coming back, but that doesn't mean he couldn't ask me further down the line, but I may not say yes by then!
What planet am I on to do all this?
I think I'm having a breakdown of some kind, I just couldn't get off the phone last night, it was almost like I was drunk, saying all sorts of things, I didn't touch a drop either! nor will I if I'd had a drink as well there's no telling what I might have said or done.
I'm just so mixed up, I love being with him & the kids doing the happy families thing - which he wants to do, but when he goes I'm hurt & I think he's having the best of both worlds.
If he takes the kids out on his own, I'm going to feel left out & alone.
I can't win because neither option is attractive.
I've just rung him yet again - I'm going completely mad, I'm quite scared about the way I feel
I've got to get the kids ready now, raining again.
I just wish the life insurance on the house would go through, because then I could go to the doctors & get some antidepresants, I think I need them.

gerturdeanna

Oh Kizzy - well its done now. Can't turn back the clock and I can't complain cos I was on the phone to my OH for over an hour last night!!
Why do I drink?!?!?! Feel soooo sh1te today. No more!!

Gloomy_Past_Bright_Future

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

Morning:o
I just wish the life insurance on the house would go through, because then I could go to the doctors & get some antidepresants, I think I need them.

Kizzy,

Go to the chemist and get some liquid rescue remedy. Its a natural anti depressant for stress etc, website is rescueremedy.co.uk

Don't know if you remember X factor when everyone thought Sharon was p155ed well after reading her autobiography, this is the stuff she overdosed on (nearly a bottle!).

My sister swears by it, as she has very addictive personality and has been addicted to Anti Depresants in the past.

So its Rescue Remedy in liquid form (put drops on tongue).

Good Luck

xx

bunty109

((Kizzy))

My only thought is that you are naturally wanting to speak to him as he's been your best friend for so long. Thing is, he's now the person who is hurting you and he can't give you the soothing words you need. He's sticking a knife in you, and somehow you need to remember that if you try and talk about this hurt to him at the moment, he is likely to give that knife a bllomin' good twist around too :mad: It's not right and he's being vruel and heartless, but you need to try and think that it's what he's going to do before you ring him.

Persoally, I think you've really shocked him by getting another bloke (that's what he'll see it as): he managed to upset you now and that's made him feel better at your expense :mad: :mad:

Take care. Rescue remedy sounds good. Could you get out for a swim or a long walk? Might help clear the head a bit.....

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks for your kind words, I've got some rescue remedy, will have some now.
I just rang SIL to apologise for waking her up last night.
She was really nice to me & said to pop around this afternoon. I'll see how I feel.
I'm just fed up of putting an act on that I'm ok, when all I can do now is cry.
I'm doing the minimum for the kids, the ones I supposedly love so much, I'm just not being a proper Mum.
Also & this is going to sound so selfish, all I hear is hows the kids, don't upset the kids - you need to be strong for the kids as though that's all I'm here for to look after the kids ( badly ) & that's all the use I am, like I'm nothing & that it doesn't matter how I feel.

kizzykizzywizzy

I rang him again earlier & said I'm in a mess, he said do you want me to come around later? which I said no to, he said if you won't let me help I can't - which is all true, but I'm going mad & why couldn't he have just come around, not asked me, I never take help - never have, I've always been independant & do you know why? because I've been let down by anyone I've ever trusted, including my parents, when they decided to emigrate when I was 15 & left me living at my B/F mum's B/F was mentally & physically abusive to me, cheated on me & his nutty mother is still bitter that I finished with him over 20 years later( friend of my dad's ) sang at my mums funeral ( the rose ) & then on my birthday last year said I was promiscuous ( sp ) when I've had 3 boyfriends in my whole life. No wonder I'm nuts

gerturdeanna

You aren't nuts Kizzy!! You are a very confused and hurt person. Let him do some of the kid stuff and you go and do something for you - the cinema, go swimming, whatever.
I'm not in this morning Kizz or I would have called you. Got to go see the IS people.

lotties_mum

Sod the mortgage Kizzy, get yourself off to the doctors NOW., you need to for your own sake. Whatever happens to the house it's only bricks and mortar and you will not end up on the streeets you will be rehoused. I know thats not what you want but you need to see the doctor while you are this low. This is his fault and he is as much responsible for the mortgage and the kids well being as you are. You can't do this alone get an emergency appointment today and tell your gp EVERYTHING.