Marriage over don't know where to start

bunty109

Pollycat wrote: »

Gert
you said earlier today that you're not feeling that great. Could that be one reason why you're questioning whether you're doing the right thing?
Or is it that you're unsure if you are doing the right thing and that's why you're down?
So which came first? Chicken or egg?



I think that you'd be better to talk this through with him when you next get chance. Let him know what you're thinking and why.
But, if this is in your mind, how is he going to be able to prove that he wanted you and not her?

I'm so sorry to hear that things seem to have taken a backward step for you, I really did think you were on the way to sorting this out.

Polly, I'm not so sure it's a step backwards, rather than a natural feeling anyone would have in Gert's situation. She may even need to warn her OH that she may get angry and still lash out at him as it's all part of the process of getting through all this. He needs to earn her trust again and the only way for him to do that is for them to have a relationship: it can start slowly and develop or she could invite him back home or whatever. He needs to know that if it's what he wants and he's not going to lie or cheat again, then in time she will forgive him and if he can't do that then he should walk away now rather than run the risk of hurting her and the kids even more in the future.

Gert, you need to decide if you are prepared to try and trust him. Whatever he says now, truth is that you may never know if the tart dumped him or if he made the decision off his own back: you will always wonder and if you're to move on then maybe you need to accept that there may well be this niggle in the back of your mind. If it works out with the pair of you it could be seen to be something worth living with; if it doesn't work out then none of us will shoot you for trying!!!

gerturdeanna

Pollycat wrote: »

Gert
you said earlier today that you're not feeling that great. Could that be one reason why you're questioning whether you're doing the right thing?
Or is it that you're unsure if you are doing the right thing and that's why you're down?
So which came first? Chicken or egg?
I think I'm feeling down cos I'm unsure of whether I'm doing the right thing.


I think that you'd be better to talk this through with him when you next get chance. Let him know what you're thinking and why.
But, if this is in your mind, how is he going to be able to prove that he wanted you and not her?
I don't know if he ever will be able to prove that he wants me - cos he obv didn't otherwise he wouldn't have jumped into bed with her - and if he does want me, why the quick turnaround -is it cos she doesn't want him anymore and so now he's back with me because he wants to be with me or is it because he doesn't want to be alone? I know it will take ages to trust him again but this ' he wants to take things slow' - is really bugging me!!
I'm so sorry to hear that things seem to have taken a backward step for you, I really did think you were on the way to sorting this out.

Hope my rambling makes sense!!

Pollycat

Bunty
I think the only step backward is that towards the end of last week Gert was clear that she and her OH were going to try again, but what he's said has (understandably) put a doubt in her mind.

I agree with you about Gert maybe never being absolutely sure whether he jumped or was pushed from this affair.
That will be very hard to live with, maybe even impossible.

Gert
I think you're going round and round in your head like a hamster on a wheel, it's understandable to be unsure of the best thing to do in your situation.
I felt like that too.
What he said about it not continuing as she was getting married has really knocked you for six, I think you have to do your best to get to the bottom of this.
Would you know if he wasn't telling the truth?
What part of 'taking things slowly' is bothering you?
Is it that you're not sure he's committing to you?
Or is it that it's difficult with the kids?

My heart really does go out to you.

gerturdeanna

I think its that fact that I'm not sure if he is committing to me thats bothering me. And the kids are stressing me out!! I'll probably be stronger again tomorrow. I jst don't understand whats going on!! If he loves me and wants to be with me, then why isn't HE here, wiping my tears away and reassuring me?

Keeping_Motivated

gerturdeanna wrote: »

I think its that fact that I'm not sure if he is committing to me thats bothering me. And the kids are stressing me out!! I'll probably be stronger again tomorrow. I jst don't understand whats going on!! If he loves me and wants to be with me, then why isn't HE here, wiping my tears away and reassuring me?

Have you asked him why? I can understand what you are saying and by the very nature of his 'crime' I think I would be feeling the same, if he wanted me he should be here begging my forgiveness and supporting me through it. Would it help to be honest with him and tell him your fears?

Pollycat

Someone gave me this link when I was going to spend a few days in Dublin:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7NcTCfnJAY&feature=related

Joseph Mary Plunkett was part of the Easter Rising in 1916.
He was captured with others at the GPO in Dublin and imprisoned in Kilmainham Gaol.
He was sentenced to death and married his childhood sweetheart Grace Gifford in the early hours before he was executed by firing squad at dawn.

We visited Kilmainham Gaol (which has been used in a number of films including the original Italian Job) and I found it very moving.

gerturdeanna

He has said that he would never live in this house again, that he hates it and the area and he wants us to move. But I'm thinking he just wants me to get a council house and then he can move back in when its cheap rent!! I really don't know what I'm going to do - I have got a hamster on a wheel going round and round my head. He said on Saturday that he knew what he was doing was wrong but he couldn't stop it. It just pi$$es me off, that all the time I was trying to mend things between us when all I knew was that he has kissed her, we were going to Relate and everything and I was trying so hard to be a 'better wife' and he was screwing her the whole time!!! And then I find ot he's [EMAIL="sh@gged"]sh@gged[/EMAIL] her and I chuck him out and then 4 days later, sleep with him like nothing had happened. Cooked his tea, had a nice chat etc etc. I'm just starting to think that I'm being played like a fool and I don't know whether I can handle that.
He hasn't really shown me that he wants to be with me, apart from deleting her number and sleeping with me on Thurs and trying to sleep with me again n Sat, which can't really mean so much to him, seen as he can drop his kecks so quickly with her. And all the time I was saying, yeah, go out with your friends have a great time , I know you need time to think about us etc etc. Well he obv weren't doing much thinking cos half the time he was with her, doing whatever!!
Flip me, I knew this was going to be hard, but I think I underestimated how hard!!
Wine is open now!!

Dumbledore55

Pollycat wrote: »

Someone gave me this link when I was going to spend a few days in Dublin:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7NcTCfnJAY&feature=related

Joseph Mary Plunkett was part of the Easter Rising in 1916.
He was captured with others at the GPO in Dublin and imprisoned in Kilmainham Gaol.
He was sentenced to death and married his childhood sweetheart Grace Gifford in the early hours before he was executed by firing squad at dawn.

We visited Kilmainham Gaol (which has been used in a number of films including the original Italian Job) and I found it very moving.

I was at that gaol on Friday - they thought they were going to get 10 minutes alone after they married but the guards stood with them the whole time. As Grace left, she heard the firing squad executing Joseph - it was very moving and sad.

moodydonkey

God Kiz sorry that post wasn't meant at you, wasn't meant at anyone really. I think that you and SFH and Gert have been amazing.
I think to be honest it's hard when you post because we get to see your (not just you but all women) anger the hurt and the let down. So it's hard having been there. Wanting to phone and text, wanting to see them, seeing how much it hurts. Crying youself to sleep and comforting the kids. I guess it's hard for those that are going through it and the ones that have been through it.
It's maddening watching you break your hearts and doing things that you and we know that you shouldn't do.
I apologise because at the end of the day we all have to do the things that are best for us. I think maybe i over simplyfy things because i am thru it, anwyay best of luck to all of you xx

beanielou

Julie~Glad the baby is ok
Moody~Good luck for tomorrow.