Marriage over don't know where to start

Rikki

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

Hello
Well I've thrown my dummy out of the pram:o
I'm sorry Rikki if you've taken a bit of carp because of me, what you've said is sensible, I just can't do sensible at the moment. Also I've had a lot of good advice from you - so, I'm sorry.
Thanks to Gert & SFH for ringing me, when they've got enough on thier plates :A

You've all been really good to me & I know I'm on here too much & need to get a life, but as someone earlier said this A T thing has really put me back as we just had such a great time.
Now I'm all alone & missing him, which is why I can't cope again!

Just saw your post Pam, it's quite a lot for a small child to imagine, but it may be nothing. Now I'm not really in the position to give advice, being so bad at taking it!! but, if I were you, I would gather more evidence & not let him know you are on to him, you have been really good not to say anything straight away. Perhaps just say you want to talk to him about him seeming distant or something, that will give you a reason to talk to him tonight & then later you can watch him & see if his behaviour is any different than normal, rather than jumping in & accusing him, like I did & then couldn't get much info.
Hope you are wrong, I really do
Apologies again for being daft !!

Don't worry about me. Its your self you need to be thinking about as I am too.

Its good to have a whipping boy as long as its not always going to be me.

Rikki

pamril1 wrote: »

Hi Kizzy and all you lovely people. I posted on here a few weeks ago about my sister but now it's me in need of advice. I'm sorry if I am gate crashing the thread I just don't know who else to ask. I have no close friends and if i tell my family and i'm wrong about this then they will always be suspicious of OH and cause no end of trouble.
My OH is a good man (or so I thought) today we drive out of town and pop to his friends (who I don't know) to pick something up. I stayed in the car with the kids and whilst he was in the house my 3 year old dd starts talking to me. She asks where daddy is so I say in his friends to which she replies and knocks me for six "is that the ladies house?". I ask her which lady and she says daddys friend the one with the little boy and baby (we know nobody of that description) she goes on to tell me that daddy took her there but without me or ds, she played hide and seek with the boy and when asked what daddy was doing she said he was having a cup of tea. I asked her various questions to see if she was making it up but always said the same apart from whrn I asked what daddy was doing then she put her head down and started talking about her toy.
When he came back to the car he sensed something was wrong but I said I would only discuss it when children in bed. How I stayed calm and didn't slap him I don't know but we got home. He had a club meeting and asked to talk before he went but I said no the kids still up go to meeting. I need time to think things through.
Am i reading too much into this?!
I just can't see a 3 year old making things up like this...from the mouths of babes as they say.
Sorry again for butting in.
xx

This could easily be so innocent.

Is it a wife of a friend he went to see? Your child would have played with her son and your hubby talked to the women. His mate/her hubby could have been there too. Asked him to call in. So many innocent reasons.

To be honest I don't think he'd have taken your daughter if anything untoward was going on.

superpup

Kizzy, do not walk away from here unless you feel it's absolutely the right decision for yourself at this time. You have had so much support (sorry it's not from me, I'm a lurker ).

Do you realise that this thread has had almost 130,000 views? There is a ridiculous amount of people routing for you and willing you to come out of this fighting and create a happy life for yourself with your children.

I have so much respect for how you constantly put them first. But I think the time has come to start putting your feelings and needs further up to the top of the pile, for your children's sake. They need YOU more than anyone. Your ex has created this situation. I know you're not happy with it and are finding it so hard to cope but I think now is the time to force yourself to be stronger. Even if you just concentrate on 1 small thing a day, ie, I will not contact him or his sister today.

If you step back from him and remain aloof, I am positive one of the following 2 things will happen:

1. He will realise that you can cope without him and you will become more attractive to him and he realises the grass wasn't as green as it first looked.

2. Number 1 will happen but you will realise that, actually, you are now stronger and don't want him back.

(Number 2 is my favourite and believe this is what will happen :cool: )

Sending you so many positive thoughts, hugs and kicks to the nads (the kicks aren't for you obviously ).

Please be strong. You are an incredible person. If you weren't, you wouldn't have had this much support.

sp xxx

robster1964

Rikki wrote: »

Don't worry I've got broad shoulders. I've taken a fair few knocks during my divorce and it has made me a much stronger person.

I worry about the children and the Mums need to be strong, if only on the outside. Divorce can have a profound effect on children. They need to be talked to, reassured its not their fault and they are loved very much by both parents.Being together one minute then apart the next doesn't help them.

Adults are old enough to live by their mistakes, children can only go by whats happening around them and what they are told. Its not their choice but it has a very big effect on them and their future. They are young emotional people and it them we must always protect.

Rikki I see where you are coming from, but divorce can have a profound effect on the abandoned partner aswell. It's ok to say we are the adults, and the children have to be protected no matter what, but people are not robots and they are not perfect. Also we are all different.

I know personally when I have experienced this sort of heartache, I have been as devastated, as Kizzy, SFH and Gert. But I also know that I am blessed! with this selfish side, that makes me rage at the person that dares to try to put me down. I always admit my faults (takes forever that one) but I just have this inner belief that I am a good person, and it makes me protect myself. Most importantly it makes the other person take notice......

I wish I could give these girls some of my confidence and resilience and belief in myself, cos at the minute they don't have much of it.

You know something Rikki, when my kids were born and like everyone else you wish the best for them. I didn't wish for money, i didn't wish for the best education...... I always wished they would be blessed with confidence. It can protect you from the harshest times, and take you a long way in life.

I am lucky, they are not the smartest or the best looking or the richest, but boy do they have that confidence.

I wish I could bottle it, and give it away. I hate to see people suffering, and it helps!

Rikki, I can tell you have an inner strength aswell, the girls will get it aswell. Just it's too soon for them yet!

I know you mean well bird!

Robster xxx

Chip_Hazard

Rikki wrote: »

Don't worry about me. Its your self you need to be thinking about as I am too.

Its good to have a whipping boy as long as its not always going to be me.

Don't worry, Rikki, there will be a bloke along in a minute on this thread with size 12 boots on, just you wait! :rotfl:

Blimey, he's here already.:eek:

Part of the reason IMO Kizzy feels so bad about the weekend just gone is that clearly she wasn't 100% sure about going then when things fell apart today, she knows that deep down she shouldn't have gone so blames herself again. It's a no-win situation.

FWIW KIzzy, I and others said it was a bad idea to go ad I think you know that. You're not stupid but going away was a stupid thing to do. As was sleeping in the same bed as him. However you've done that, it's been and gone and cannot be mended except to say not to do it again if the occasion arises.

As someone said higher up, you really need to formalise this whole situation now. You are a temporary help and object of affection to him while the moose is away but note the word temporary. Once she's back on the scene, you'll be a reserve again.

As for the cry-for-help posts talking about wishing to die, that's a bit much, sorry. I'd love to be in your position, really I would, where I had two beautiful children living with me and it was my massive responsibility to shape them and help them through life. I'd be so chuffed to be in that position, the last thing in the world I'd do is to think about ending it all. I'm suspecting that was an emotional outburst, if not then maybe you need to see someone.

Take care

Martin
x

Keeping_Motivated

Thought I would post this that I found on a site about grieving for relationships, thought it might help to realise that you are not going crazy and what you are going through and the way you are acting and experiencing it is 'normal'.

Quote:

Stages of grief are often referenced, but early on the process is much more like a roller coaster. When we first sustain a loss there is some disbelief, shock, numbness and a feeling that the world has become surreal.

The mind is trying to process what the loss means and the shock mercifully helps the reality come in slowly. We can expect to feel very disoriented to space and time; all of this can make us feel "crazy."

As the disbelief and disorientation continues, there is often a feeling of how unfair the loss is. We can experience anger, weep or just sit in a stupor. We often ponder why us?

Then we return to disbelief, "It can't be, it just cannot be!" For all the tumult of feelings the core of grief is pain and sorrow, so often people say they wish they could get beyond the pain so that they could heal, but the pain is the healing.

I often use the analogy of how the body heals- the processes are very similar. We sustain a terrible wound. We wonder if we're ever going to be the same.

The heart is no less miraculous than the body. We are born with an innate ability to heal emotionally just as we are physically. This knowledge is critical so that we feel less crazy, but even so we are rarely prepared for the experience of raw or acute pain. This is the pain that can drive us to our knees.

Fortunately, we don't actually stay in acute pain very long. We move to ache, but the ache can last quite a while and internal and external catalysts will make us very vulnerable. Internal processes that "poke" at the injury are memories and all the places the mind goes that can temporarily increase the pain.

Externally, there are also many things that poke the injury; seeing shared friends, times of day or season, songs, smells, photographs. When we get poked, we are set back temporarily and often believe that we are not really healing.

As time passes, and if we don't abort the healing process, we will re-stabilize. Overall the wound will ache less, but it is still tender. Then comes the day when we can have the memories without the pain.

The healing is a natural process, but we must facilitate the process, the way we would take care of a physical injury. I don't believe that time in and of itself will heal; what we do in the time will make all the difference.

Facilitation has to be intuitive. Some days we need a lot of support and must gather friends or family around us for consolation. Other times we need solitude. Some days we have to compartmentalize our grief and do things that give us respite and distraction. Other days we may write in a journal and face the essence of the loss head on (which takes a lot of courage.)

We need to acknowledge that we are not going to have the same interests, energy level or priorities when we are grieving. Don't try to force yourself into situations you just don't have the energy for. Honoring what you need and creating it, is how we facilitate the process.

The loss of a relationship is very complex. It is like a kaleidoscope: Each piece, large and small, makes up the whole pattern of the relationship. It is these pieces that we grieve- a crooked smile, an inside joke, a shared dream, the comfort of familiarity.

As we try to go on, we will naturally be confronted with these pieces of the loss. If you can, try to give the sorrow a voice or framework. For example, if you feel the pain start to rise while you're cooking dinner you might say, "I know what I'm grieving. I miss her company while I cook. I miss the light chatter and catching up the days events."

Acknowledge that this is going to be very difficult for a while and maybe change your routine till you're feeling better. This will help you not to feel so "crazy." You'll know that you are grieving and why a certain situation has stirred so much pain.

The most important thing is to honor the process and realize it's going to take a while-you're going to move in and out of a myriad of emotions. Have the courage to stay with emotions. Don't expect to be the same person while you are grieving or when you emerge.

We are always changed by our losses. Shutting down or trying to build a bridge over the pain will hamper the healing process. Honor what you need on any given day. Be extremely compassionate with yourself and seek support when you need it. Stay out of the future! The only thing you have power to do is tend to the emotional wound today. Believe in the miraculous ability of your heart to heal.

Give Sorrow Words; the grief that does not speak/ Whispers to the over fraught heart and bids it break.

pamril1

Rikki wrote: »

This could easily be so innocent.

Is it a wife of a friend he went to see? Your child would have played with her son and your hubby talked to the women. His mate/her hubby could have been there too. Asked him to call in. So many innocent reasons.

To be honest I don't think he'd have taken your daughter if anything untoward was going on.

No it was a man he went to see and we had never been to his house before today as he lives a fair distance out of town. he apparently moved a few weeks ago so dd can't have been there as OH didn't even know the way to new house.

I'll just have to stay calm and have a quiet word about a few things and see what comes to light, but I'm seriously not feeling good about things.
I feel physically sick at the thought of hearing something I won't like.
I best go and sort myself out but I'll pop back and tell you the outcome.

Thanks everyone I really needed someone to just listen to me and you have. your all marvelous people. xxx

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks chip, I knew almost as soon as I said yes to A T I shouldn't have said yes, but kids knew so tough.
Yes I shouldn't have let him be in the same bad, but I did.
Yes I know I'm disposable & I'm just company until he gets with the moose, that's why I feel so bad.
Yes at certain times I do feel like I want to die, OK very selfish of me when as you say I'm lucky enough to have 2 beautiful children, but, yes I have been experiencing these feelings ever since he told me he didn't love me on my birthday 19th July, obviously as I couldn't do that to my children, though at times it would be SO easy, I won't & yes I do need help, because my brain has been completely screwed by the one person I thought I could trust above anyone.
i know all these things, it still doesn't make me feel any better, that I can't act/behave in the correct way & control the way i feel

Ellidee

pamril thinking about you hun & keeping everything crossed XX

kizzykizzywizzy

pamril1 wrote: »

No it was a man he went to see and we had never been to his house before today as he lives a fair distance out of town. he apparently moved a few weeks ago so dd can't have been there as OH didn't even know the way to new house.

I'll just have to stay calm and have a quiet word about a few things and see what comes to light, but I'm seriously not feeling good about things.
I feel physically sick at the thought of hearing something I won't like.
I best go and sort myself out but I'll pop back and tell you the outcome.

Thanks everyone I really needed someone to just listen to me and you have. your all marvelous people. xxx

Good Luck, I've got everything crossed for you x