Marriage over don't know where to start

scottishfreebiehunter

Gert and I sorted her out she is fine,just bit upsetxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pollycat

Rikki
as I've already said, I do believe that your comments were meant with the best of intentions.

It's very hard to stand back and let others make what we believe (or even know from experience) are mistakes.
However, this is Kizzy's (and Gert's & SFH's) life and I don't think we have the right to be judgemental on their actions.
All we can do is be here, offer advice, share our experiences and pick up the pieces if it gets to that stage.

I hope that you continue posting as you've offered some very insightful advice so far.
Maybe just cut the gals a bit of slack, huh?

Lots of love to Kizzy, Gert & SFH.

pamril1

Hi Kizzy and all you lovely people. I posted on here a few weeks ago about my sister but now it's me in need of advice. I'm sorry if I am gate crashing the thread I just don't know who else to ask. I have no close friends and if i tell my family and i'm wrong about this then they will always be suspicious of OH and cause no end of trouble.
My OH is a good man (or so I thought) today we drive out of town and pop to his friends (who I don't know) to pick something up. I stayed in the car with the kids and whilst he was in the house my 3 year old dd starts talking to me. She asks where daddy is so I say in his friends to which she replies and knocks me for six "is that the ladies house?". I ask her which lady and she says daddys friend the one with the little boy and baby (we know nobody of that description) she goes on to tell me that daddy took her there but without me or ds, she played hide and seek with the boy and when asked what daddy was doing she said he was having a cup of tea. I asked her various questions to see if she was making it up but always said the same apart from whrn I asked what daddy was doing then she put her head down and started talking about her toy.
When he came back to the car he sensed something was wrong but I said I would only discuss it when children in bed. How I stayed calm and didn't slap him I don't know but we got home. He had a club meeting and asked to talk before he went but I said no the kids still up go to meeting. I need time to think things through.
Am i reading too much into this?!
I just can't see a 3 year old making things up like this...from the mouths of babes as they say.
Sorry again for butting in.
xx

Rikki

Pollycat wrote: »

Rikki
as I've already said, I do believe that your comments were meant with the best of intentions.

It's very hard to stand back and let others make what we believe (or even know from experience) are mistakes.
However, this is Kizzy's (and Gert's & SFH's) life and I don't think we have the right to be judgemental on their actions.
All we can do is be here, offer advice, share our experiences and pick up the pieces if it gets to that stage.

I hope that you continue posting as you've offered some very insightful advice so far.
Maybe just cut the gals a bit of slack, huh?

Lots of love to Kizzy, Gert & SFH.

Don't worry I've got broad shoulders. I've taken a fair few knocks during my divorce and it has made me a much stronger person.

I worry about the children and the Mums need to be strong, if only on the outside. Divorce can have a profound effect on children. They need to be talked to, reassured its not their fault and they are loved very much by both parents.Being together one minute then apart the next doesn't help them.

Adults are old enough to live by their mistakes, children can only go by whats happening around them and what they are told. Its not their choice but it has a very big effect on them and their future. They are young emotional people and it them we must always protect.

Ellidee

pamril (((((hugs))))) you will only find out more when you talk to your OH. Would he take your dd to someone's house without mentioning it to you? I do think that small children usually tell the truth but hope that there is an innocent explanation.

robster1964

Hi Pam, only you know if you are reading too much into this! You know your husband, you know how your relationship is, you know if you have any sense of mis trust. I have been in this situation before, and for me, the best thing is just to sit down calmly and say "Something upset me today, can I just ask you about something?" There could be a perfectly reasonable explanation? Your 3 year old, won't have made anything up, but until you ask, the context could be perfectly reasonable. Hope everything is ok babe.

Robster xxx

belfastgirl23

Hey Kizzy

Just to say that it is always easy from the outside to see how someone else *should* handle things To my mind you were getting it together pretty well this morning and you might have had a bit of a backslide this afternoon but that's exactly how these things go and you just gradually manage to pull it around. I know sometimes I'm sitting here thinking 'nooo don't do that' but at the same time I know that I'd probably do the same (and in some cases have done the same thing ). All you can do is figure your own way - we are not walking in your shoes and while we might think we know best based on our own experiences, all you can do is what you think is best for you.

And re this morning I can't believe you were beating yourself up about this. You said ' He was nice to me again & I was horrible curt & blunt & childish ' but to me what you were doing was behaving appropriately to your new relationship and it is your husband who keeps trying to change the rules. I really can't figure out what he's up to actually...I think he's using you to try to make himself feel better about what he's done. And you (because you are a loyal wife) feel you have to collude with this. But you don't. He won't like it if you don't and you've spent so long trying to make him happy that it's a really really hard habit to break. But you'll get there

And for the guys going the tough love route, remember this thread only started at the end of July. And Kizzy only found out that there was anyone else involved in this mess three weeks ago. She's not had time to do the processing that those of us in this situation previously have had. So try to think about her from where we were then rather than where we are now. It's a very very different view!

trancebabe

Kizzy -sorry that you're still feeling wobbly sweetheart, it happens, you're human and it's all part of the healing process. I'll (and everybody here for sure) will keep telling you that it does get easier as long as you need us to.

You will smile again hun... but maybe not today!

Pam - please try to keep an open mind, it's not looking good on his part but there maybe an innocent explaination for what your DD has said. Don't give too much detail, and ask him what he thinks your daughter may have told him. Try to coax it out of him than go for the jugular imo

wishing you (all) luck and best wishes

pamril1

Ellidee wrote: »

pamril (((((hugs))))) you will only find out more when you talk to your OH. Would he take your dd to someone's house without mentioning it to you? I do think that small children usually tell the truth but hope that there is an innocent explanation.

Thank you.xx
My OH only ever goes to his mums with dd he never takes ds as he is only a baby, he'd have mentioned if he went elsewhere I am sure.
He has always been affectionate towards me past few months he has been much more affectionate to the point that he can be quite overbearing at times (i know that sounds bad of me to say that but I mean constantly grabbing me to cuddle which is out of character).

Thanks everyone for you replies xx

kizzykizzywizzy

Hello
Well I've thrown my dummy out of the pram:o
I'm sorry Rikki if you've taken a bit of carp because of me, what you've said is sensible, I just can't do sensible at the moment. Also I've had a lot of good advice from you - so, I'm sorry.
Thanks to Gert & SFH for ringing me, when they've got enough on thier plates :A

You've all been really good to me & I know I'm on here too much & need to get a life, but as someone earlier said this A T thing has really put me back as we just had such a great time.
Now I'm all alone & missing him, which is why I can't cope again!

Just saw your post Pam, it's quite a lot for a small child to imagine, but it may be nothing. Now I'm not really in the position to give advice, being so bad at taking it!! but, if I were you, I would gather more evidence & not let him know you are on to him, you have been really good not to say anything straight away. Perhaps just say you want to talk to him about him seeming distant or something, that will give you a reason to talk to him tonight & then later you can watch him & see if his behaviour is any different than normal, rather than jumping in & accusing him, like I did & then couldn't get much info.
Hope you are wrong, I really do
Apologies again for being daft !!

edit - just noticed, he's being over affectionate, this can happen too, my sister's Ex did this. But it could just be that he loves you