Marriage over don't know where to start

Rikki

I'm curious about the ages of the children involved.

Mine were eight and two.

gerturdeanna

Mine are 5 in Sept and 3.

Rikki

gerturdeanna wrote: »

Mine are 5 in Sept and 3.

It's more difficult for them to understand at that age but easier to accept. They just get used to daddy being away and visiting him.

Its also nice because you can mould the children in your own image. Teach them manners, the way you want them to be, how to act and behave. It can be a blessing too.

SuziQ

Dumbledore is right about the legal side-unless it's different in scotland. Are you married SFH? Does he have parental responsibility-do you have a residency order?

My husband/ex's ex tried to stop me having contact with their 2 (after they told the cafcass officer I was 'great' as I didn't force them to tidy up all the time!) She was given short shrift in court. However as she then defied all the contact orders,and the court were pretty toothless he lost contact. He agreed to the residency order as she promised in court contact in return-she reneged on that. We had to ask to take them abroad on the one occasion we were allowed to have them for a holiday (only because she was getting ready for her huge ultra expenisve wedding and honeymoon in the Maldives-jelous,me?!!!!!) but she doesn't have to tell him anything if they are not going longer than a month. In fact she moved house without telling him and moved them from Kent to Dorset-court just said 'oh dear' and she is on the move again,hasn't told him where to, but he was down there working a couple of weeks ago and saw the for sale board! (all her adult life she has moved every 2-3 years-the kids never get to settle anywhere ,have been to countless schools and she wonders why their schooling goes down after they've moved,the oldest has just failed his AS's.)

It is much healthier for any child in this situation to be able to view both parents in a positive light and not to have the nrp demonised either intentially or unintentailly (I am not for one moment suggesting any of you ladies would,please don't torch me!)
The psychologist involved in our case decribed how strongly a child's parents are linked to the child's own self worth etc and seeing their nrp in a bad light can badly affect them.
For this reason I have always tried to make light of any nastiness on my ex's part,if he didn't turn up I would even make a reasonable suggestion as to why he hadn't managed to get there. I have since discussed this with both a child psychologist and with my 2 oldest. The psychologist felt it was reasonable-providing you don't actually lie but say 'perhaps he had to work late' etc. My kids have said that whilst they realised I was trying to make them feel better,the very fact I was putting a positive slant on it made them feel it was less of an issue.As they have got older and they have occasionally ranted about their dad's selfish attitude it's a bit different,but I do always emphasise that I believe he does really love them,but that he can only do what he is capable of and that adults/parents are not perfect.

My ex's 2 were told that daddy broke into the house and tried to strangle their mother-the weekend he was actually speaking at a convention in Sweden. This story was recanted in front of his boys and all their friends (and their parents)outside their scouts meeting hall. A mutual friend heard and told him what had been said. They then repeated it to the cafcass oficer as if they had witnessed it-luckily the cafcass officer noted down the very inappropriate adult language they were using and advised the court they had been 'coached'.The children actually witnessed the final row where she dragged him out of bed,attacked him and left him with wounds up his arms. She meanwhile had not a scratch. They told the police exactly what happened but she still tried to get him prosecuted for gbh-she actually slept with one of the attending policeman (I kid you not!-he intercepted a message from him on the ansaphone which was played at court and was the main reason he wasn't convicted,along with the fact she had no injuries to show). The kids know all of this-she even bragged to his oldest about how lying gets you what you want in life,and if in doubt cry!

The reason I posted this is to show the lengths people will go to ,to achieve their end. Where do the kids' best interests feature though?

kizzykizzywizzy

Sounds like a complete nightmare SuziQ!!

I've just started filling in the C/TAX forms, until I had to come back upstairs as kids STILL AWAKE, & looked quickly:rotfl: on here!
Well I haven't had any problems with them at all tonight! So now I feel a prat because I've got an appointment to have someone help me with them!
Never mind, at least I can take all my ID in rather than post it.
Perhaps my mind is back to normal, not panic mode, where I just didn't want to fill them in because that seemed like the end.

Kids 7 & 5

scottishfreebiehunter

Dumbledore55 wrote: »

I don't think that's correct you would have to prove them unfit to be near your son. Your ex is supposed to ask permission to take him out the country but you have to ask him too. If he has contact rights I'm afraid you have no say in where he takes them or who he lets them see while he has them. As hard as it is, think of it the other way round, if you found yourself a new man would you want him preventing your children from seeing him?

Its very difficult but I always try to make decisions that are best for my son and that includes having a good time and life with his dad and his new partner.

The only thing you can stop is his new woman collecting your son, no one else has the right to collect them on his behalf unless you say its OK but you wouldn't really be able to stop her dropping him off!

Its really difficult to cope with emotionally but I just wanted everything to be as normal as possible for my son and that meant me building a good relationship with his step mum.

My ex had the same feelings, I can remember him saying, 'I don't want another man living with my son and reading him stories'. I just said it wouldn't be 'any man' it would be my new partner and you have to trust me to make sure I choose someone who will be good for both of us.

Divorce and separation is very much like a bereavement and you go through different phases:

• Shock/Denial/disbelief
• Anger/Depression
• Acceptance/Coping
• Moving Forward

The trouble is, you can keep moving in and out of these phases sometimes on an hourly or daily basis.

You will eventually come out the other side, I promise but its just very traumatic.

He is seeing him yes though all agreed he has no contact from any other partners of us until I see fit all done by solicitor

scottishfreebiehunter

Yes all different up here totally suzi q ,its well odd how different ,Yes married,he is still getting access to ds though only when I am present

Glad you had a good day Kizzyxxxx and gerti (()) for you
I cannot cope with this tbh I love him so much and wish I could hate him what a stupid moo i am

gerturdeanna

OMG!! Sounds like a complete nightmare SuziQ!!
Well he's been out since 6:30 -only going out for an hour - be back before the kids go to bed!! Yeah right - still no sign of him!! He did phone an hour ago apologise for not knowing what time it was and wanting to speak to the kids - err nope!! They are in bed, fast asleep!! Oh well - am having fun flirting on Social Me on Facebook!! hehe

kizzykizzywizzy

SFH, it'll just take time.
I'm just trying to keep myself busy, the only problem is when I'm not busy, I feel down again.

Keeping_Motivated

scottishfreebiehunter wrote: »

Yes all different up here totally suzi q ,its well odd how different ,Yes married,he is still getting access to ds though only when I am present

Glad you had a good day Kizzyxxxx and gerti (()) for you
I cannot cope with this tbh I love him so much and wish I could hate him what a stupid moo i am

You're not stupid, its normal of course you still love him, you would be made of stone if you could just switch your feelings off just like that. You won't even notice at the moment but you are doing so well getting through your days one by one and have done so much positive considering what you are going through.

KM x