Do you think he's selfish too?

Loretta

I think that this is a serious problem and if it is not sorted out quickly could well be the end of your relationship.

You have had several goes at explaining to him and now you have to be very firm. I think after essentials including any work related expenses and ALL your daughter's expenses etc the money should be divided between you. I think this is a control thing.

I would have a look at the CSA figures and see what he would be paying and maybe entitledto to see what you would be getting if you seperated, not because you are yet thinking about that but just to get some figures in your mind as a starting point

he hasn't yet learned the 'we' thing he is still thinking 'I' and if he doesn't sort it out pretty damn quick this will get you down and you will resent it and his attitude.

Start and escape fund while you are thinking

Fidget21

Hi Mooma

I'm an only child and I think this does impact on your approach to spending when you become part of a couple. My parents spoiled me rotten and when my Hubby and I moved in together it took me a long time and quite a bit of debt to get my head round the fact that I couldn't just have whatever I wanted when I wanted it.

In your case it would be good to nip it in the bud before you get into the debt stage.

I do still tend to be a bit of a fritterer, a bit like your OH I can easily spend the odd tenner here and there on silly bits and bobs like magazines etc, but we factor this in to our weekly budget, I'm given the cash and when it's gone it's gone, but in your case he would have to agree to and accept this and be self disciplined in not spending more than that.

You say you have a spreadsheet? Is it possible for you to sit down together and go through things and make an allowance for his bit of money that he is spending (try and get him to pare it down a bit though) and then to make an allowance for you, say £20-30 a week (or whatever is affordable) for you to have as cash? Then it's up to you to do what you want with that, you can add it to your own bank account that he doesn't have to know about.

My only other concern is why is it always 100% of your money going on the bills? If he was earning as well, could you not have contributed equally to the bills?

Good luck with your next chat with him. xx

Mappygirl

Hi Mooma,

My DH is very much the same as yours! The only difference is that I have access to all his online banking etc. so I have set up standing orders for all the bills and I transfer any overtime money he has out straight away before he spends it! All that is left in his account is his poket money for the month.

Although I have had to start getting his pocket money out each week because he was going over budget. Much the same as you OH, £10 here £20 there and he was spending way over budget. I kept track for about a month on all his spendings then i showed him his spending. He was quite shocked I think - that's when he gave me his cash card!

Would you be able to set up standing orders etc so all that is left in his acc is his own spending money? TBH I think having seperate bank accounts is quite common amoung couples (well it is for my mates!) and is the best way to know how much moeny you have. Altough the finances are all joint I still look at my account as my own - I try and save out of it etc. and I feel comftable that I know I have enough money to last me the month. If DH over spends then that's his hard luck and he'll be broke til payday!

Money can be such a hot point in relationships (It is for us) so good luck and be strong!

*Louise*

mooma wrote: »

as my fiance doesn't even think about leaving the child benefit alone.

But anyway I done something that will probably cause an argument, but will resolve at least one thing.... I opened my own bank account today (yay!) and will be getting the child benefit paid into it so at least i won't have to worry about if we can afford to get a stair gate, and other bits and bobs for my daughter. At least i know that money will be safe from being spent at burger king or the news agents!

I'm hoping he'll think about everything over the next few days and warm to the idea of what i suggested. I don't know what else to do now!

I was shocked at the bit about the child benefit.

I'm glad you have made the first step towards breaking free financially. It must feel like such an uphill struggle for you. I really feel for you, all you want is for your daughter to come first and you have every right to expect that to happen.

Your fince sounds like a really selfish person who puts his family's needs after his own. I hope you don't go through with marrying him until your finances are sorted in a more even way and he stops being so damn inconsiderate.:mad:

*Louise*

mooma wrote: »

His mum used to be in debt. She still gives him money occasionally to "help out" - which of course i don't see a penny of, he just spends it on himself. I think she used to more or less just buy him things when he was a kid instead of spending time with him.

Out of interest - do you get on with his mum?

Maybe you could discuss things with her, maybe even ask her not to give him money and encourage him to sort out his finances. Even if it means telling hr that he just fritters the money away and has nothing to show for it.

Barneysmom

I used to have this problem - my husband was in the forces for 20 years and had always been able to spend his money on himself.
I'd be beside myself with worry as I saw him spending so much on beer/fags et.
I started writng a list of all the household bills on a piece of paper so he'd see it.
You could try that
rent/mortgage
elec
gas
council tax

Go through everything, then at the bottom of the list write
'what he spends on himself' and put a sum there.
'what I spend on myself' put about a fiver here.

It didn't take long for it to sink in. I now control all the household finances.
We have (very cheap) holidays in Wales, we've had a new porch fitted, we're getting the loft boarded out, all on money he's wasted on rubbish in the past.
I give him £1 a day for work, for a paper, maybe chips on a Friday.
Everything else is down to me. Even his pants!
He's taking the mick and as long as you let him he'll do it. He just needs to grow up.
As for me, after being skint for so long, I still find it very hard to spend on myself, I still buy cheap bras but hey, you can't have everything.

superjaggybunnet

You give him a pound a day?? What can you buy with that - you have got to be joking! And he puts up with that? OMG!

liney

superjaggybunnet wrote: »

You give him a pound a day?? What can you buy with that - you have got to be joking! And he puts up with that? OMG!

I know many people who take packed lunches to work, and spend nothing at all from Monday to Friday as they have no need.

If the budget only allows a £1 a day then that's what there is. Would you cut essentials so that you could buy more newspapers/chocolate from the vending machine/cans of coke?

Barneysmom

superjaggybunnet wrote: »

You give him a pound a day?? What can you buy with that - you have got to be joking! And he puts up with that? OMG!

A newspaper is about 35p so that's £1.75. Leaves him with £3.25 to buiy chips on a Friday.
He takes four meat/salad rols, a pork pie, a sausage roll 2 bags of crisps and some cke with him for lunch, and a flask of coffee.

If he has money he will buy beer, that's what exdrinkers do. You can't trust them with money. They are devious I'm afraid, and he was so close to death a while ago due to his drinking that I really do live in fear of him starting again. So I have to be in complete control of the money. I hate it and I'm knackered.

Barneysmom

I've said too much there now.