Do you think he's selfish too?

mooma_2

Hi everyone, this is my first post on here.

I don't know if i'm being silly or over-reacting, but I think my Fiance is being selfish when it comes to money. I know everyone always imagines it to be the woman who spends uncontrollably in a relationship, but this is definitely not the case here.
We have a 6 month old daughter and we don't have alot of money and have a very tight budget each month - in fact after all bills and food, etc we don't even have any money to buy new clothes or go out anywhere.
I always put my daughter first, so for example if she needs new clothes, etc i will quite happily lower our food shopping budget for that month so that we can get her the clothes, etc. I NEVER spend any money on myself - I just can't do it when we have so little money as i'd feel so guilty.
My partner, on the other hand doesn't seem to care. He just withdraws money every day (usually spends about £70-£80 a week) and spends it on junk food, diet cola and rubbish newspapers.
Because he spends this much every week, that is why our budget for everything else is so tight. I have confronted him several times on this matter - have made him lovely lunches to take to work, he even said he wouldn't take his cash card with him anywhere unless it was essential. But he doesn't stick to it - it's like he can't control himself from going to the cash machine or something!!
The worse thing is that when I do actually need something (like a new bra or something), he says things like "but remember we don't have much money".

I just don't know what to do. He gets in such a mood and gets angry if i keep mentioning the money situation. Every month is the same, worrying about how much money will be in the account and how much he will spend on a load of rubbish.

Please tell me if i'm being unreasonable!

Mips

Of course he's selfish - you can't have a new bra yet he can buy junk and throwaway newspapers?!

r.mac_2

You don't sounds like you are being unreasonable. I am reading between the lines that you have a joint account?

Have you considered trying to restructure your finances and keep the joint aco!!!! using it for bills etc, but having an allowance transfered each to an account for your fiance and one for yourself. That way he knows what there is to spend on 'junk' and you know that there is some money for a new bra occasionally???

beer_tins

Seems to me you should each take out x amount a week each (say £30) to spend on yourselves and use the rest for your family expenses. Then you can save yours and if he wants to blow his on rubbish, that's his business.

Also, how can he spend that much on junk food and papers?! Just thinking how much he'd have to get through to spend that! Over a tenner a day...

lady_stardust

Perhaps you need to separate your finances a bit. Set up a joint bank account and get him to set up a standing order into it for a percentage of his salary for household expenses (if you have your own income, do the same). His newspapers, junk food etc then has to come out of whatever is left. My DH and I did this as soon as we started living together, and it works so well we haven't changed the system even though we are married. I despair of how he spends his money sometimes, but at least it doesn't affect the household.

PeskyPenguin

Give him 'Value' beans on toast for his tea when he gets home....tell him that all you can afford while he keeps blowing the budget.

beer_tins

Wow, between us, the last 3 posters have said exactly the same! Try to suggest it to your OH.

I'd be quite happy to have an arrangement like this with my fiancee, she spends more than I do! Saying that, we already both put in 'x' amount to cover mortgage, bills and food so it seems fair enough we do what we like with the rest.

mooma_2

Thanks everyone for your replies, at least i know i'm not being silly now! I like th Value beans idea :rotfl:

And yes - honestly i don't know how he spends that amount on Junk food, etc either! But that's what he tells me he spends it on.

Well, later on i think i will definitely try to talk to him about having an allowance each - or perhaps having seperate accounts with a joint for the bills. I'm not sure he'll be happy though as he's funny about me having my own bank account for some reason. Perhaps he thinks i'll waste money (!!).

Definitely some really good advice from everyone though - Thank you so much.

JimmyTheWig

Agree with r.mac about having your own budgets for personal spending, even better if you've got your own accounts for it.

Sit down when your daughter's in bed and work out a realistic budget. Agree how much "spending money" you both need (might not, actually, be the same) and, importantly, agree to stick to that limit.

You might also want to put different amounts into different pots, or keep up to date with a spreadsheet. For example part of the budget will be on clothes for your daughter. Do you buy her the cheapest clothes, or do you prefer something a little up-market? Maybe the difference between the cheapest (there's plenty of places to get "named" kids clothes second-hand) and the up-market could come from your spending allowance if that's your choice? (Maybe he feels that _you_ spend all the household money on stuff your daughter doesn't need, so why shouldn't he spend some on his stuff?)

The key to it is agreeing a budget and sticking to it.

Once that's happening you must then try not to moan about him spending his money on rubbish. And he shouldn't moan about what you spend your money on.

JimmyTheWig

mooma wrote: »

I'm not sure he'll be happy though as he's funny about me having my own bank account for some reason. Perhaps he thinks i'll waste money (!!).

I wrote my comment before I read this.

I totally agree, and I alluded to it in my post.

He probably does see some of the things that you spend money on as wasting it.

That's why you need to agree the budget together and then have the freedom to spend your own money.

affordmylife

is he the only one working. that can be tricky cos you always feel like you are asking for money.

so i definitely agree you need an allowance. first of all a reasonable food budget. secondly a budget for yourself the same as what he allows himself to waste each month. and then thirdly the childbenefit which i know isnt a great deal but over the month you have an amount for your daughters needs (nappies and milk etc should be from food budget).

no doubt he will say there isnt enough in the budget for that but he'll have to be prepared to share with you wont he.