Do you think he's selfish too?

RedBern

firstly - you should have access to your 'own' money - open an account and put some money aside each week/month. Even if it is only a couple of quid you need it - every girl should have 'FO' money.

Secondly - sit down, work out as previous posts have said, how much you've got left after you've paid everything - and split that. If you're not working and want to seem fair then 60/40 split, but I'd go 50/50. Then you OH can spend his money on what he wants - as can you.

However, good underwear is a necessity NOT a luxury. There should be some room in your budget for clothes, so spend it.

and lastly, if your OH thinks he can make the money go further - hand it all over to him and let him manage it.........

Oldernotwiser

mooma wrote: »

I always put my daughter first, so for example if she needs new clothes, etc i will quite happily lower our food shopping budget for that month so that we can get her the clothes,

Whilst I agree with everything that other people have posted about separating your finances. I also wonder whether your fiance might be a bit jealous. Although this could be seen as being immature, if he's the one that's working he might be a bit miffed if you're scrimping on food spending to buy what he may see as luxuries for your daughter. I'm not saying that he's right or that he should carry on wasting money but it might be something to take into account. You do need to try to have some money to spend to have a life as a couple together and it doesn't sound as if you have that.

consultant31

My only response to your dilemma is to say please don't think about marrying this man unless he changes or you'll have these problems for ever!

I don't want to sound a misery-guts, but it's no fun being married to someone who will happily waste money while you're lying awake nights worrying about making ends meet.

Fidget21

I agree with most of the posts on here. My husband and I have a joint account for most things but we transfer 'spending money' out of it into our own accounts. We get each a set amount each month and we are only allowed to buy our little luxuries out of this money. If we spend all our money and can't afford anything else it's tough.

With our food budget we withdraw the set amount of cash each week and do our food shop. This way we don't overspend because it's embarassing getting to the till and not having enough cash . If we underspend we split the difference between us to add to our personal accounts.

Maybe you need to do a monthly budget with him and get him more involved in the money side of it. If he sees how much he is frittering he might want to alter his own spending habits?

But you're definately not being silly!!

ailuro2

If he is spending £300 a month on frivolous stuff, and you are spending nothing on yourself, then no, it's not fair.

write down everything , all the bills, shopping, clothes budget, money for presents, car insurance, etc then see what is left over after that. Then give yourselves pocket money. If he is at work then he should have a bit more, it does cost money to go to work, from the raffle ticket for someone's kids football team to a cup of tea during the day., it does add up - but not to £70 a week;)

inmypocketnottheirs

Does he draw the £70 out in one go, or is it a tenner here, £20 there? I guess that could be the problem, he really doesn't realise how much he is spending.

This is definately something that needs addressing and it sounds like he needs to grow up and understand household finances.

How old is he and how long have you been together? How old is your DD?

ancasta_2

My OH and I both contribute equally to our household bills from the joint account.

Whatever is left out of our wages has to pay for - mobile, car/petrol/insurance/C.cards and any spends we want.

I dont expect him to pay for my "luxuries" and he wouldnt expect me to pay for his.

I earn more than OH and i know he sometimes gets frustrated if i go out shopping, but im a bargain hunter, id rather buy 10 £2 tops i loved rather than 1 £20 but he doesnt see me bargain hunting, just arriving home with bags. He doesnt have such a surplus cash flow but i always make sure he has new clothes when he needs them, or some beer money to go out to a work do, take away etc so it all balances out i suppose.

What im trying to say in a roundabout way is... You need to draw up boundaries. How about 'letting' him spend £50 a week on his crap and he HAS to give you £20 pocket money for things you need away from the baby and household, like a new bra, a hairdryer if it breaks, new glasses or something like that that is quite essential.

Kaz2904

We used to have the same issues when my DD was a baby. We argued constantly with DH always wanting to know where all my money had gone (I earned considerably more than him). He used to buy the groceries and if I ever asked him for any money he'd go mad.
We went round and round in circles with me handing over the reins to DH because I was sick of it. He made a right mess of it.
Then someone put it into his head that we should pay 50/50 for everything so he demanded we did that. I sat down with all the bank statements and went through everything. I worked out that he would owe me £200+ per month.
We eventually solved it by doing as others have suggested. We looked at our whole budget and what was left. I said I wanted some savings so that had to be taken into account then we set a family leisure budget and then we took pocket money.

I have to say that DH wasn't being malicious, just very misguided. He didn't really understand the cost of everything and was horrified when he heard how much was spent each month. His friends didn't have children or mortgages and all earnt more than him so he had a lot of pressure from them.
Now over time we have pulled it back in and are financially better off than any of them despite the fact that we still don't earn any more than them.
We have re-evaluated what we want and what we need. We've looked closely at our spending habits and are both honest about what our budget is spent on.
There are no questions asked about what money is spent on.

lifesuckssometimes

mooma wrote: »

Hi everyone, this is my first post on here.

I don't know if i'm being silly or over-reacting, but I think my Fiance is being selfish when it comes to money. I know everyone always imagines it to be the woman who spends uncontrollably in a relationship, but this is definitely not the case here.


Please tell me if i'm being unreasonable! NO

YES HE IS nip it in the bud NOW good luck...

mooma_2

Thanks to everyone else who has also replied.

Answer to inmypocketnottheirs: we have been together 3 and a half years, i'm 23, he's 28 and our little one is 6 months old.

And he withdraws £10 -£20 at atime, not large amounts, so it just adds up. He is completely aware of how much money we have every month and how much the bills are as we have a spreadsheet, which he created (!) to organise the income...but he obviously ignores this.

I did try to talk to him about having our own little budgets for spending on ourselves, and i also tried telling him the good points abpout having our own accounts each plus the joint one.....He got mad!! He really couldn't see where i was coming from and can't see why i'd need my own account. He said some really nasty things and made me so upset. He even accused me of not contributing financially, like i had never had any income! I reminded him that since we have been living together (2 years), every month my wages went completely on the bills, i never saw a penny of it - even my maternity pay got 100% spent on bills.
He is, for some reason very reluctant to change things. I said I understand that because he has always earned more than me then he could obviously have more to spend on himself, but he didn't like that either.
I said I think that he wants access to all the income, and then me have to ask him for money, to which he said that's complete nonsense. I don't know what goes on in his head! We never did come to any agreement in the end.

One thing is, i don't spend silly amounts on our daughter, so he can't accuse me of wasting money - all our LO clothes are from Primark, ASDA or the charity shop. I'm far too sensible to waste money on designer clothes and the like! Also the only new toys she gets are ones that her Nan or Granny buy her. I can't afford to get her anything else apart from essentials (nappies, etc) as my fiance doesn't even think about leaving the child benefit alone.

But anyway I done something that will probably cause an argument, but will resolve at least one thing.... I opened my own bank account today (yay!) and will be getting the child benefit paid into it so at least i won't have to worry about if we can afford to get a stair gate, and other bits and bobs for my daughter. At least i know that money will be safe from being spent at burger king or the news agents!

I'm hoping he'll think about everything over the next few days and warm to the idea of what i suggested. I don't know what else to do now!