Do you think he's selfish too?

mdeebee

Reading posts like yours never fails to amaze me.

I wonder what it is that makes some people behave like this. It must be like fighting an uphill battle.

I think a lot of this comes from the fact that some men aren't taught how to manage money (although of course, this applies to some women too!).

What are his parents like with money? Is there something which makes him insecure about spending and budgeting?

Best of luck to you, and has been said a couple of posts above, make sure you have a running away/treat/whatever fund.

Take care.

mooma wrote: »

Thanks to everyone else who has also replied.

Answer to inmypocketnottheirs: we have been together 3 and a half years, i'm 23, he's 28 and our little one is 6 months old.

And he withdraws £10 -£20 at atime, not large amounts, so it just adds up. He is completely aware of how much money we have every month and how much the bills are as we have a spreadsheet, which he created (!) to organise the income...but he obviously ignores this.

I did try to talk to him about having our own little budgets for spending on ourselves, and i also tried telling him the good points abpout having our own accounts each plus the joint one.....He got mad!! He really couldn't see where i was coming from and can't see why i'd need my own account. He said some really nasty things and made me so upset. He even accused me of not contributing financially, like i had never had any income! I reminded him that since we have been living together (2 years), every month my wages went completely on the bills, i never saw a penny of it - even my maternity pay got 100% spent on bills.
He is, for some reason very reluctant to change things. I said I understand that because he has always earned more than me then he could obviously have more to spend on himself, but he didn't like that either.
I said I think that he wants access to all the income, and then me have to ask him for money, to which he said that's complete nonsense. I don't know what goes on in his head! We never did come to any agreement in the end.

One thing is, i don't spend silly amounts on our daughter, so he can't accuse me of wasting money - all our LO clothes are from Primark, ASDA or the charity shop. I'm far too sensible to waste money on designer clothes and the like! Also the only new toys she gets are ones that her Nan or Granny buy her. I can't afford to get her anything else apart from essentials (nappies, etc) as my fiance doesn't even think about leaving the child benefit alone.

But anyway I done something that will probably cause an argument, but will resolve at least one thing.... I opened my own bank account today (yay!) and will be getting the child benefit paid into it so at least i won't have to worry about if we can afford to get a stair gate, and other bits and bobs for my daughter. At least i know that money will be safe from being spent at burger king or the news agents!

I'm hoping he'll think about everything over the next few days and warm to the idea of what i suggested. I don't know what else to do now!

mooma_2

In reply to mdeebee:

His mum used to be in debt. She still gives him money occasionally to "help out" - which of course i don't see a penny of, he just spends it on himself. I think she used to more or less just buy him things when he was a kid instead of spending time with him.

He was in the Army form age 16-24, and obviously as a soldier you don't have to worry about paying for food and bills....But he should understand "civvy street" by now. He always said he'll change his spending when our baby was born, but he hasn't.

He doesn't have any brothers or sisters (no offence meant to anyone reading this who don't have siblings), perhaps this is why he can't understand sharing, etc? Whereas i am a twin, so have been taught to share and know that you can't have everything you want all the time.

Do you think any of these points above could be causing his behaviour now?

consultant31

mooma wrote: »

I did try to talk to him about having our own little budgets for spending on ourselves, and i also tried telling him the good points abpout having our own accounts each plus the joint one.....He got mad!! He really couldn't see where i was coming from and can't see why i'd need my own account. He said some really nasty things and made me so upset. He even accused me of not contributing financially, like i had never had any income! I reminded him that since we have been living together (2 years), every month my wages went completely on the bills, i never saw a penny of it - even my maternity pay got 100% spent on bills.
I said I understand that because he has He is, for some reason very reluctant to change things.always earned more than me then he could obviously have more to spend on himself, but he didn't like that either.
I said I think that he wants access to all the income, and then me have to ask him for money, to which he said that's complete nonsense. I don't know what goes on in his head! We never did come to any agreement in the end.

One thing is, i don't spend silly amounts on our daughter, so he can't accuse me of wasting money - all our LO clothes are from Primark, ASDA or the charity shop. I'm far too sensible to waste money on designer clothes and the like! Also the only new toys she gets are ones that her Nan or Granny buy her. I can't afford to get her anything else apart from essentials (nappies, etc) as my fiance doesn't even think about leaving the child benefit alone.

But anyway I done something that will probably cause an argument, but will resolve at least one thing.... I opened my own bank account today (yay!) and will be getting the child benefit paid into it so at least i won't have to worry about if we can afford to get a stair gate, and other bits and bobs for my daughter. At least i know that money will be safe from being spent at burger king or the news agents!

I'm hoping he'll think about everything over the next few days and warm to the idea of what i suggested. I don't know what else to do now!

Why are you still with this selfish, immature man? He obviously cares far more about himself than he does about either you or your child. He has no reason to change while ever you do all the managing and he is free continue his irresponsible ways. I really hope you can shock him into changing, but I fear he's got a lot of growing up to do first.

mdeebee

Yes, I do.

He's sounds like "Mummy's little soldier". How does he get on with his father/father figure/other men?

I know a couple of "only ones", and have to say that they are selfish, in the sense that they look after number one first. Anyone else comes second.

Having said that, when you're an adult, with adult responsibilities, you have to wake up and smell the coffee and "grow a pair".

I would be extremely tempted to have a very serious discussion and lay cards on the table. So many cards, so few tables.

Speaking as a man, I find this self-centred attitude disgraceful. This of course doesn't help you.

I wish it did.

mooma wrote: »

In reply to mdeebee:

His mum used to be in debt. She still gives him money occasionally to "help out" - which of course i don't see a penny of, he just spends it on himself. I think she used to more or less just buy him things when he was a kid instead of spending time with him.

He was in the Army form age 16-24, and obviously as a soldier you don't have to worry about paying for food and bills....But he should understand "civvy street" by now. He always said he'll change his spending when our baby was born, but he hasn't.

He doesn't have any brothers or sisters (no offence meant to anyone reading this who don't have siblings), perhaps this is why he can't understand sharing, etc? Whereas i am a twin, so have been taught to share and know that you can't have everything you want all the time.

Do you think any of these points above could be causing his behaviour now?

affordmylife

im sorry to say this but it doesnt sound to me like he is ready to accept his financial responsibities which are you and his daughter.

you would be better of on benefits without him.

at least you would be in control of your own money and probably a lot better off.

im not one to suggest people go on benefits but unless your oh realises he actually has a family to support i cant see any other option. i wish you luck.

mooma_2

In reply to mdeebee: His father had an affair and left when he was about 5, so he was bought up by his mum. He tends to have more female friends than male.
Agreeing with you that he's a mummy's boy!

I think i will talk to him about all this again, I do want him to know that his behaviour is unacceptable and unfair, especially when there is me and our daughter to think of.
I really want to see if he can try and change his habits and work things out before i'd consider leaving him.

I'm getting more worried as he is starting a new job next month and will be on more money - so there will be more to spend on himself.

Oh, I dunno! *Sighs*

mdeebee

Good luck, Mooma.

The upside is that you might be able to put a bit more into the runnng away fund - just in case.

x

mooma wrote: »

In reply to mdeebee: His father had an affair and left when he was about 5, so he was bought up by his mum. He tends to have more female friends than male.
Agreeing with you that he's a mummy's boy!

I think i will talk to him about all this again, I do want him to know that his behaviour is unacceptable and unfair, especially when there is me and our daughter to think of.
I really want to see if he can try and change his habits and work things out before i'd consider leaving him.

I'm getting more worried as he is starting a new job next month and will be on more money - so there will be more to spend on himself.

Oh, I dunno! *Sighs*

Errata

Good luck, you'll need it whilst he's spending money like water whilst his daughter has to be dressed in cheap clothes. Ask him how you are going to cut down on his daughter's food to buy a necessary item of clothing for her.
Is he gambling every day? Because he'd have to go some to spend the amount he does on sweeties, cola and The Sun.

liney

If you claimed the CTC too would there be enough money left to pay the bills?

If so, get the Child benefit and Child tax credit going into your account and tell him he is responsible for making sure the bills are paid and doing the weekly shop. A sharp shock showing him how much things really cost might give him some perspective, and you would still have some essentials money.

If he is spending a tenner a day ish does this include cigerettes? Does he buy lunch out daily? Pop for a pint on the way home? That's a lot of money for a paper and a can of coke isn't it.

superjaggybunnet

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

I wrote my comment before I read this.

I totally agree, and I alluded to it in my post.

He probably does see some of the things that you spend money on as wasting it.

That's why you need to agree the budget together and then have the freedom to spend your own money.

Things like a new bra!! I bet he doesn't see why you need a new bra, he probably would rather you didn't wear one anyway.