Guess whose back!? The Return Diary

CAFCGirl

Bella - our OH's must be cut from the same cloth!

Not much to report today, was at work till about 3, came home as unfortunately someone who knew we were pregnant came into my store and asked when I was gonna start showing, and how flat my stomach was and how lucky I was, and i'd be one of those people who didnt show for months, and she was so excited and ranting on she didnt give me a chance to interrupt till she finished and I had to say outloud that we'd lost it and that just set me off, she wanted to give me a hug and I just wanted her to leave.

Im ok with it when its just in my head or talking to DH but saying the words out loud to people who feel like strangers whose names I know just sets me off.....
Part of me wishes I hadnt gone back to work now, because of having those conversations, which are always gonna be hard...and when theres not a lot to do, my mind wanders....

I guess I just have to class today as a bad day, and look to tomorrow...

god i feel rubbish

doodledo_2

Morning CAFC so sorry about your customer yesterday. It's so hard isn't it and although it's not their fault as they didn't know it doesn't make it any easier.

These incidents will soon stop once everyone who knew knows what has happened and things should get easier for you in that respect.

I totally understand about you wanting to go back to work as you just crave normality and sitting at home makes it easy to think a little too much.

Take care hun it's still early days.

bella2121

I swear cafc they must be!! he actually said to me yesterday, just give me a minute i'm still in shock, WE NEED TO START BUDGETING!!!! woo hoo the penny has finally dropped!

we have bought a sealed savings tin from the pound shop today, i let him spend a few quid in there to feed his spending addiction lol!!! then i put his change in the tin so will see how long it stays sealed

It is hard when people ask hun but i bet she felt awful about it, and like doodledo says it will get easier.

well i've been invited out on saturday not sure if i should go or not, OH says i should, maybe when he gives me money to go i could save half of it and pretend i spent it all hahaha!!!!

xx

CAFCGirl

I dont know really know how im feeling this morning.
Yesterday I went to a company meeting which was good, and saw the other managers and when i had a brief chat with one of them I managed to hold it together and then affter 7 hours of travelling on the rail in total i got home and was just exhausted, not just physically but mentally and emotionally.
Its takes all my energy to hold it together and i hate pretending that I'm ok when all I wanna do is cry...
So i just sobbed for 2 hours last night, trying to get to sleep and I know its difficult for my husband to understand, and he doesnt know what to say, and some things he says i really wish he hadn't but I cant get angry or upset at him for saying what i think is the wrong thing because he's trying his best.

I'd like to think the information will filter through and then that part of it is done, note to self dont tell anyone next time! Just feel like I made things more difficult for myself by how I handled the whole situation before but thats done now so i just have to deal with it i suppose.....

Each day just feel like its getting harder not easier...

Money wise i dont even care what happens anymore.... ive spent money in a bid to make myself feel better and it has, but then i care about increassing the debt wich makes me feel bad and then i think well why the hell should i care about it anymore...?! Just go round in circles...fed up of living my life worrying about paying off debts, controlling money, i just want to not have to think all the time!

I know im just moaning on and this isnt gonna help me in the long run.. but im just so fed up with feeling like this.....

Purpleroses

hey hun.

im not even going to pretend like i know what you're going through but know in time you will get through this. and talking about it, even if its "moaning" on here, will help you as expressing how you feel is important in the healing process. after all thats what this diary is for! and you have a sense of aninimity (lord bad spelling an-in-imity is that even a word?) so please don't bottle it up, there are many people on here who care for you and are here for any help that we can offer.

i know its not the same but i lost one of my closest friends a few years ago and at the time didn't think i'd get through the darker days but you do. i know its a cliche but time is the best healer so dont rush yourself to be "normal" again.

ok i'll be quiet now. you hang on in there :grouphug:

bella2121

hey cafc

dont really know what to say all i can say is we are all here for you! keep your chin up your strong enough to get through this and like purpleroses says time is a great healer.

big hugs xx

CAFCGirl

hey guys, thanks for the words.

Its partly the struggle because i know there will be better days, and i know that this happened for a reason and there is a purpose to all the struggles, but its because i know that will happen, it makes whats happening now that much harder...

Its like im just waiting all the time....
some days will be good, some bad, all i can hope for is that eventually the bad will be fewer and the good more frequent, its just coz its the exact opposit right now...

Continuous headache and gettin no sleep really isnt helping either, probably just makes it all worse if im honest.

But... I did get paid more than i was expecting 1282 as opposed to 1147 so thats something... need to pay off the extra ive spent this month though so the joy of that is short lived!

CAFCGirl

Hi All,
For pure entertainment value, I've re-done our numbers and not included the money I owe to my mum which is re-payable whenever on 0% (Thanks Mum!)

Monthly income after tax................ 1222
Partners monthly income after tax....... 836
Benefits................................ 0
Other income............................ 0
Total monthly income.................... 2058

Monthly Expense Details
Mortgage................................ 0
Secured loan repayments................. 0
Rent.................................... 650
Management charge (leasehold property).. 0
Council tax............................. 110
Electricity............................. 15
Gas..................................... 0
Oil..................................... 0
Water rates............................. 0
Telephone (land line)................... 22
Mobile phone............................ 45
TV Licence.............................. 12
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 26
Internet Services....................... 0
Groceries etc. ......................... 175
Clothing................................ 20
Petrol/diesel........................... 15
Road tax................................ 10
Car Insurance........................... 30
Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 0
Car parking............................. 0
Other travel............................ 0
Childcare/nursery....................... 0
Other child related expenses............ 0
Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 0
Pet insurance/vet bills................. 0
Buildings insurance..................... 0
Contents insurance...................... 0
Life assurance ......................... 0
Other insurance......................... 0
Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 15
Haircuts................................ 0
Entertainment........................... 15
Holiday................................. 0
Emergency fund.......................... 0
Total monthly expenses.................. 1160

Assets
Cash.................................... 0
House value (Gross)..................... 0
Shares and bonds........................ 0
Car(s).................................. 5000
Other assets............................ 0
Total Assets............................ 5000

No Secured Debt

Unsecured Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
Abbey Loan 1...................3869......136.......14.9
Abbey Loan 2...................2009......89........19.9
Car Loan.......................4669......147.......12.3
MBNA card......................2659......20........0
I.F card.......................800.......20........0
Abbey Zero Card................2370......5.........0
Homebase CC....................2291......25........0
Total unsecured debts..........18667.....442.......-

Monthly Budget Summary
Total monthly income.................... 2,058
Expenses (including secured debts)....... 1,160
Available for debt repayments........... 898
Monthly UNsecured debt repayments....... 442
Surplus(deficit if negative)............ 456

Personal Balance Sheet Summary
Total assets (things you own)........... 5,000
Total Secured debt...................... -0
Total Unsecured debt.................... -18,667
Net Assets.............................. -13,667

Now it would be lovely if we had that 450 spare, but this is the first month OH has had a wage come in, so perhaps we would be able to make a large payment to something this month.
Im also going out with my Gok Wan on the 10th so I'm going to spend a bit of money there..... I kinda feel like I need a day of being a care free 24 year old:o
I'm gonna show OH the numbers when he comes in, so we can sit down and have a chat about that and see what we might wanna do.:rotfl:

PeachPickle

Hey chickpea,

Sorry I've not been round much lately, am sooo rubbish! It's totally natural to be as up and down as you are, just feel how you feel without beating yourself up about it. Look forward to whatever you can, and just cry if you need to. I'll be around more next week so we can have some legendary moans at each other!!

xx

CAFCGirl

cheers hun, dont apologise though, uve got a life to lead and dont want to listen to me moan on...

The days will get better for me eventually...