Am i being unreasonable?

JimmyTheWig

Is moving back to the rent-free place (parents, presumably) an option?

If so, the answer is easy.
Tell OH that you can't afford to live there any more.
When you moved there you assumed that he would be contributing to the household financially. He's not, so you can't afford it. (Plus the cost of everything has gone up, which has skewed your initial calculations.)

Tell him that you love him and that you still want to be with him, you just can't afford to live with him.
He can then decide where he wants to live, e.g. hostel.
He can also decide if he wants to stay in a relationship with you.

He needs to sort himself out.
He needs closure on his relationship with his wife.
He needs to sort his finances out.

I believe that unless someone can make a life for themselves on their own, be happy on their own, cope on their own, etc, then they can't make a life for themselves in a relationship.
Maybe six months down the line when he is clearer about his priorities and can start to contribute financially you can move in together again.

Obviously in all of this he may decide that if you aren't putting a roof over his head and food in his mouth then he isn't interested in you.
If that's the case then it's a good job you found out and, truly, you are better off without him.

miserly_mum

Nicki wrote: »

What OP is complaining about now though is that her boyfriend is meeting his obligations to his wife and children before he contributes to his living expenses with her.

I don't actually think she is

What she's saying is the BF isn't being realistic in thinking he can go on paying the FULL mortgage payments plus maintainance and still be able to keep himself (wether living with her or a place of his own)

Even on decent wages most people would struggle to pay £1000 a month plus maintainance AND clothe, house and feed themselves aswell.

BTW i'm not taking her part .I've an ex hubby that hasn't paid a penny maintainance for his kids in 9 years. I believe men should contribute towards their children but not to the point where they are crippled financially.

If the BF paid via the CSA he probably wouldn't have to pay so much then he could afford to pay his way with OP, maintain his children AND afford treats like holidays for them.(the kids)

Also if the ex wife is working and has a new partner then why should they sit "rent free" so to speak. If the wifes new BF is living with her and the kids(not sure but lets assume he is) then he is responsible for the kids financially as he is now part of the family. This doesn't mean their Father isn't.

When my Partner moved in with me and my children then he fully accepted he would contribute financially to them as our finances were now not his and mine but OURS.

Loretta

Nicki wrote: »

But her boyfriend does. OP didn't have to take out a loan to pay the joint debt, but I'm sure she did this for the boyfriend's sake rather than the wife's, and both boyfriend and wife were liable for the full amount and if boyfriend is working full time and wife only part time, it is boyfriend who would have been pursued had the loan been defaulted on.

What OP is complaining about now though is that her boyfriend is meeting his obligations to his wife and children before he contributes to his living expenses with her. She isn't saying that she is herself paying anything to the wife, just that she'd rather her boyfriend paid less to the wife and kids and more to her.

And therefore the point that she chose to take on a man who had these obligations is a valid one, and it shouldn't be the wife who pays the price for OP's choice. Any friends of mine who have found themselves in this sad situation, have all said that when the matter has gone to court the judge has told the husband that his first responsibility is to the wife and children and that if this means he has very little to finance a life with a new partner, that is his own fault and choice, and not something for which the wife and children should be penalised for.

If the wife were posting on here for advice as a woman with two young children whose husband had walked out for another woman, and the other woman was demanding that she sell her house and move elsewhere so that the husband had more to spend on the other woman, would everyone's sympathies really be with the other woman?

As for wife's new partner, I'm not at all clear why OP thinks he should take on financial responsibility for her boyfriend's children I do think the OP does need to see the wife's perspective in all of this, and take into consideration the feelings of the children, rather than simply thinking of her own financial situation. And if the financial situation is too hard to bear, she can always ask boyfriend to move out, so that they are each paying their own expenses and she will then have no reason to believe she is in any way subsidising his wife.

The only reason he can pay so much to his wife and children is because he is living free, someone else is keeping him not because he can afford it

This girl needs to get out of this situation now, then boyfriend would have to sort out the finances with his wife at a level that they can afford without them both living off other people, ie their new partners, this husband and wife don't sound like very nice people and I would think they are best avoided while they sort themselves out and are free to start new relationships

completelyspent

OP please take heed of what people are saying. No one deserves to be treated like this. This sounds like a horrible thing to say but once the money has completely dried up and you've maxed out all your credit he will probably move on to the next person. You are worth more and prove that to yourself.

Supergirl_3

You need to seperate love with comon sence here op.

Chances are the debt will last longer than the relationship, sad to say it but probably true.

What I would think is the best thing to do is for you to move back home if you can, and for your boyfriend to get another job on evenings/weekends to help pay off this debt.

I think you'll be looking back in years to come, while still paying for his debt, and be kicking yourself - time to be pro-active here and tell him simply he can't afford this foreign holiday and tough if he's got to let his kids down now, he should have thought about it beforehand.

Whatever you decide to do you will be the one stuck with this debt, harsh lesson learned - next time you meet someone you'll be wiser for this experience.

Good luck x
ps if it's meant to be (you and him) you will be in the end, but don't live with him if you have an alternative just now, he needs to stand on his own two feet. Let him go live in a hostel, and don't take him saying that as blackmail.

spamalot

This is clearly a case of mixing emotions and finance, which is always a really bad idea imho.

Going back to one of your earlier posts, you said that your boyfriend sees the house as a financial investment, which is why he is so keen to keep it on. There is absolutely no guarentee that he will be able to keep it. Essentially, when they divorce they will have 3 options which the court will look at:

1. Sell the house and split the proceeds. Given that the wife has the kids she will get the lions share, possibly, 60/40 or maybe more. She has to house the kids and this will be the courts priority.

2. Wife gets 100% of the house and takes on mortgage. If she can demonstrate that she can do this (she might be able to get a family member to co-sign with her) then the courts could look at this option.

3. Set up a mesher order whereby the house is sold when the youngest kid hits 18 and the proceeds are split. Even at this point you BF may get 20 or 30 % of the proceeds.

As I said the priority of the courts will be making sure the kids are ok, not your BF. This doesn't also take into account any pension he has, which she will also be entitled to. As you have taken on the debts, there is now no way that these will now be taken into account by the court because you have effectively wiped the slate clean on this, which as I am sure you are probably aware of now after all these posts was a huge mistake to make.

It is also unlikely that the court will look more favourably on your boyfriends living requirements as in effect you are looking after him, which will be taken into account.

I say all this not to be harsh but to be realistic. I have been through all this with my partner (although he wasn't living with his ex and had been split up for a good while before I met him - if he had been still living in the home with the wife I wouldn't have touched him with a 10ft barge pole!).

Given your responses I get the impression you don't want to leave him because you are in love with him and are still in the optimistic we-can-deal-with-this phase. Which I totally understand, however, fast forward another few years:

You want to get serious with your partner and get married and have kids. Given his financial situation now this is not going to be possible without you going out to work, so no long maternity leave, no SAHM option. Think really carefully about this.

You want to get a better home/go on holiday/buy a car, all not possible because he is protecting his investment in the home. There is also no guarentee that he is going to share this investment with you if it ever materialises.

You will always have the ex wife and kids in your life, end of story. He will always have the link through the kids. Therefore, the relationship that you and he build with them now will continue. If you are the cash cow, you will carry on being seen as the cash cow.

I may come across as being all cynical and I am honestly a romantic at heart, but you've got to work hard to protect your relationship otherwise it won't last. He is not protecting it, he is leeching off you.

If I was in your shoes (I have been to a certain extent) I would stay in the relationship but move back into your previous accommodation and start protecting myself financially. Call his bluff, let him move into the hostel, get his life sorted and stand on his own two feet. You can still see him and carry on the relationship. If he says at that point that its over then you know for sure he is taking you for a mug. If he sees the sense in this, he is worth fighting for. Look at it as a long term acid test for your future together. If he comes through with flying colours, then fight tooth and nail to help him get things sorted out in a fair way.

Good luck!

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