Am i being unreasonable?

Jo_F

Well if he wants to take the kids away that badly, then he needs to find the money tree. You have to make sure that you don't get brow beaten into getting into more debt because of him.

You also need to tell him that he has responsibilities with you, and that if he desn't pull his finger out and help you, then you are off.

What's the situation where you are living? Is it rented or mortgaged? And in either case just whose name is on it?

I think you can kiss goodbye to the 6K, but is he has been silly enough to put the house in your name (either on the mortgage or the rental aggreement) and you are paying all the bills, then kick him out, there is nothing that he can do.

This guy is draining you, get shut and get on with your life.

miserly_mum

funky-footprints wrote: »

why couldnt he get the loan himself, i think he is seriously using you !!! maybe a night or 2 on the floor at a mates house, or in a hostel would make him realise he needs to re-evaluate the whole situation ??

Spot on Funky...

Even if he isn't deliberately using her he is living in Cloud cuckoo land as far as his finances are concerned.

Staci please please don't risk losing your home over this man.

What exactly are you getting from this relationship other than debt and stress?

loftus

Sounds to me like you are living with a man suffering major league guilt for walking out on his family.
You need to decide how much this relationship is worth to you because, at the moment, I suspect if you push this he is going to choose to continue supporting the family over anything else.
I hope you have kept the proof of what the loan you took out went to pay off because you could have a hard time getting any of it back if he decides to walk.
Does he show any sign of wanting to sort out his financial commitments to his family? Are they divorcing? I would also back off from getting involved in decisions about what happens to his former family home. If I was his ex and found out that the woman I had been left for was pushing for its sale I would dig my heels in big time. You may feel that by taking on the financial commitment you did that this gives you a right to do so, but that was your - rather poor - choice and it could make things much much worse.

ameliarate

I have to agree with the other posters - this is madness. He is paying £1,000 pm for the mortgage and child maintenance - wish he was my ex. No way should you (a) pay for his holiday or (b) take on any more loans/credit cards. I only hope that your home is in your name only.
Seriously I am sure these comments are hitting you hard but you absolutely must take them seriously and realise that you are being taken for a mug.

*Louise*

stacy1 wrote: »

i really dont know, he seems to think that it will just appear from somewhere or that i will find it somehow, i told him to stop making promises he cant keep and his answer was he only mentioned it to them they just took it for granted but now he doesnt want to let them down

Time to stop making the money 'magically appear'.

Also sounds like he need to grow up and start facing the real world.

Maybe sleeping in a hostel would be a wake up call for him. You need to offload HIS debts back to him, and stop paying his way in life.

paddy's_mum

In your shoes, not only would I be calling his bluff over the hostel comment, I would be packing his bags for him!

I have no doubt that in your own mind, your reason is "because I love him so much". That's fine but the test of that love would be when you say I can't afford to keep you any more. If he does go into some kind of hostel or temporary lodgings, does that mean that your relationship with him is over? Is that what he is threatening you with to keep you doing all the giving? If he loves you, he would make every effort to keep things sweet between you, wherever he may be living.

It is also ringing my alarm bells that despite being separated for 18 months, you make no mention of divorce proceedings being planned or commenced. Maybe I'm being a cynic but is he keeping his emotional and practical running shoes in good order?

Only you can know the mechanics of this situation, but I suspect that you know in your deepest heart that he is not a good bet, however you may feel about him. Loving someone can be the most wicked trap and it is no wrong on your part to feel that you perhaps need to protect yourself from harm if this all blows up in your face.

If the love on both sides is genuine, the pair of you will survive. If he goes because you are reaching the point where you cannot continue to fund the lifestyle of this man, his wife (not an ex yet by the way) and his children, then you have your answer. I feel for you as this can't be a happy situation. I wish you luck.

JimmyTheWig

If he wants to go abroad then he needs to find the money for it.

Sit down with him and do a household budget.

As for you, what expenses are you paying that you wouldn't pay if he wasn't living with you? Does that make sense?
E.g. You no longer get a discount on your council tax as you are not living alone. Your food bills have increased. Your gas and electric usage may have increased slightly. Etc.

It is not the fact that he is paying his old mortgage which means you are falling short on your monthly bills.
The problem is that he isn't contributing to these bills.

Tot up what he is costing you, as I have said, and insist that he puts that much towards the bills. The thing is, I'm not sure that it will be that much. Rent / mortgage, for example, won't have changed because he is living with you. If you're heating a house for one it doesn't really take much extra to heat a house for two.
Remember that everyone's bills have gone up recently. Lots of people are finding it difficult. But that's not your parter's fault, or his ex's.

I presume that you love this guy and are therefore happy for him to live with you rent free, etc. He just needs to pull his weight with extra expense he causes.

Once you've got the rules in place, use this site and look at your monthly bills to see how you can reduce them.

Reggie_Rebel

Unreasonable - No

Daft - Yes

stacy1_2

he has agreed to getting the mortgage repayments reduced but only can do a little as she wont agree to interest only so i'll see what he comes up with, he keeps saying that its an investment in our future as when they do eventually sell or she buy's him out we will have more money but that seems so long away i not sure we will make it that far as the stress of being this skint is getting to both of us and it also feels that i cant make any plans for my future (i.e. buying a house, having my own family) until this is sorted and everyone has moved on

stacy1_2

by the way i have just moved out of rent free accommodation where my only bill was my phone!!