help parnoid boyfriend

Slinky

This isn't a dress rehearsal, it's the only life you get. Was this what you dreamed of when you were a little girl - being stuck with a druggie who hits you?

You deserve better than this, and your children most certainly do.

foreversomeday

I was having a similar conversation this weekend - I believe that having children (and being involved in their life) and taking drugs are mutually exclusive - there are very very few circumstances where taking drugs is acceptable (I am talking a little bit of weed, for genuine medicinal reasons, nothing to do with taking drugs through choice.) if he wants to be a part of your children's lives.

Tell him he has to choose: drugs, or his children. You can then either help him find rehab or some other kind of medical help, or you can leave it up to him. That's your decision to make. Then stick to it, don't ever let him have a key to the flat, or let the children take one if they see him, and don't let him in - if you need to see him, go to his house and tell someone where you are going in case you need backup.

Cocaine is nasty, but if he genuinely wants to change, he could become the "lovely guy" who you mention, full time. People will tell you it's unlikely, and they'll be right, but it is possible. It's just it will take a lot of hard work and pain on his part - which is why people like this hardly ever change.

Good luck.

paddy's_mum

fkelanne - it may help you to evaluate things more clearly if you were to read calculate this's thread in this same section. It is entitled Husband and drink problem.

She has endured many of the same problems that you are now facing and has already taken huge steps to get away from a very similar dangerous and sad situation. I suggest that reading it may have real value for you. So often, when it is someone else's problem, we can clearly see where the solution lies but have difficulty seeing our own problems so clearly. If you find that many of calculate this's perspectives are the same as your own, you will have shed light on what you also need to do.

I would also urge you to consider how you would feel if your children were removed from you on a permanent basis when this drug abuse escalates into a violent situation that is dangerous for them, as well as for you. Sometimes, loving someone can be a habit but if it's a bad love, then the habit must be broken or it will continue to create real harm.

Do you really love this man enough to risk absolutely everything that you value - your life, your home, your children, your money, your peace of mind, your future, your freedom from fear ..... ?

paddy's_mum

I've been fretting over this scenario and thinking on it quite deeply. I'm now probably going to upset both fkelanne and a lot of other people but here goes ..

I have one very simple question. Do you love your children? Truly? Deeply? Unswervingly? Yes - then get those innocent babies out of harm's way and do it TODAY!

Run to your family as fast as your legs will carry you. Leave everything behind - clothes, toys, furniture - you can collect what you need later when you have the safety of your family around you. It doesn't matter one jot what you think other people may think of you. You are their mother and they have only you to rely on. Gather up your pride in being a good mother, stiffen up your backbone and courage, and BE the good mother your children need so badly right now.

I'm afraid I would consider you sick in the head and soul if you say that you have so much love for a seriously flawed and dangerous man while at the same time allowing your children to be in such danger. He may be "lovely" most of the time but too much of the time he is a violent, cocaine crazed psychopath who has already put you in such an awful position that your own sister can't even speak to you.

Never mind all the lovey-dovey stuff and how much you want to help him. For God's sake, HELP YOUR CHILDREN!!!! Sermon over.

pulliptears

paddy's mum, its not that simple.

You always believe they will change, you always think of the times when they arent on drugs and how nice they are then. You block out the bad times and muddle on convincing yourself that it wont happen again.

One day OP will wake up with a blinding flash of "I cant do this anymore" and she will go, but nothing anyone says or does will convince her until she has this flash.

OP, I wont tell you to "leave now", Ill just wish you luck to find the courage in yourself to do whats right for you and your children. Find your confidence hun and be strong.
x

Aliktren

Instrad of wondering why you dont leave him (which you should) wonder why you stay, make a list of reasons for doing both, but really you know where this is going..... dont waste your life with someone wasting theres

sismith42

fkelanne wrote: »

IM goin to go and put my bond down 2day. and pay the months rent 2moro. i could be in by the weekend.
He knows iv been looking he is ok through the week. But if i go he might relise what hes lost. and i might help him get help.
I do love him, but weekend are full of hate.

:T
Hey, how did it go today? When do you move? (If it's only on the weekends that he gets high and violent, I'd suggest moving on a Monday or Tues... possibly without telling him beforehand so he doesn't have a chance to dwell on it in his "drug head"...

skintas_2

hi, sounds like my partner used to be, it got my very depressed i was to scared to leave, my flat was in my name not his. i gave him the ultimatium, his behaviour has really affected me and my children at the time i was so depressed i didnt realise. please seek help and talk to someone, i know you may not want to as they will tell you what you don want to hear . please for you own sake the sake of your children you must leave this man, believe me it will never get better only worse..... i know it will be tought, at first it will get better, maybe if you separate for a while he may come to his senses and see his behaviour inst right

fkelanne

ive done it, ive got allthe things i need and me and kid r stopping at my mam and dads, until i can find a house i like.
Thanks for all your help every1. I am finding it hard but its better than worry if hes goin to start 2nite!!

Squiggly_Diddly

Just spotted this & wanted to say WELL DONE!!! I'm so glad you found the strength to get you & your kids out of this awful situation. It will be tough at first, but worth it in the long run (((Hugs)))))