help parnoid boyfriend

fkelanne

here goes, me and a oh have been 2gether for 8 years now, and have 2 children 2gether, 5 and 19 months.
My oh has alway taking drugs, but in the last year its got worst. Hes taking cocaine. He has it thurs nite friday and sat.
Since he has started taking it he has got paraniod about me having an affair (i never have). He comes in and goes through everythink, even the bin outside to see if he can find somethink. hes kicked me and kids out loads of times at 8-9pm iv gone to my sisters or my mams.
He first hit my about 2 years ago, and knocked my tooth out. and i 4give him, hes pushed me down the stairs kicked punched u name hes done it.
Iv got to the point i darent go out anymore. I dont help coz i make my mouth go.
Last week i said hes got 3 weeks to change. And them the weekend can, he hade cokcaine on thurs nite and friday nite. Didnt have it on sat nite but went out on sunday and had some (i can tell when hes on it now)
The thing is he is lovely through the week, the has a full time job, its just the weekend.
My mam and dad said they would help me find a home and even pay my bond for me, i fill as if i am letting them down, my sister darent even txt me at the weekend coz of him.
Will he ever change? or should i just go now? he always says sorry and that he goning to stop off it he i dont think he can. is it me making him like this?
any help would be great.
Im even using a friends user id so he doesnt find this post

belfastgirl23

The one thing that's clear is that things can't go on as they are. I normally suggest having a proper talk to clear the air but I don't think this would work in your case because if he's a different person when he takes drugs and that person is violent then I think it might be too great a risk.

Have you asked him to give up? Does he believe he has a problem?

I think unless he commits to giving up on the drugs ther's not a lot you can do to be honest...best off out of there.

And no it isn't you. For definite.

hellokittygal

to be honest i think you know what you should do.

What would you do if it was one of your children he hit? Each day you are staying with him you are putting yours and your children lives at risk.
Your family is offering to help you leave him and i would take their help and go, and then go to the police and report him.

It could be worse the next time he hits you, do you really want to take the risk of leaving your children with no mother?

fkelanne

iv asked him and he always says he will but them the weekend comes. He doesnt think he has a problem.
my mam and dad think its off the drink.
i no you are right in me leaving him but i just cant and i really dont no y! i think im just going to have to put the money down on another house and them ill have to go.
its like walking on egg shells when hes around.

santashelper_2

maybe its because of the way he is behaving and knows its wrong so he is trying to find someone else to blame, also taking drugs will disorte his thinking and until he wants to help himself it will probably be a very challenging time.

Stay strong and you will get through this difficult time

belfastgirl23

If you're finding the thought of leaving difficult I'd say just up sticks and go to women's aid. Some people can manage to organise everything and keep it quiet but some find that they just have to leave when the courage strikes. I think you might find you're one of the second type. You know what you need to do. I'd say just do it. Either it will make your OH realise that things need to change or you will have changed them anyway...

shellsuit

What does he say and do once the drugs have worn out??

It's him with the problem, not you and I wouldn't stay with anybody who put drugs before me and their children. I've been there, worn the t-shirt etc and I left him 10 years ago this month (Our daughter was 6 months at the time and our son was 18 months).

Give him the choice, either the drugs, or you and the kids. If he says he won't give cocaine up, there is your answer. If he says his family but then takes cocaine again, there is your answer.

I gave my ex the choice but he told me straight he wouldn't give it up (was speed in his case, his poor excuse was that as he worked mad shifts, it helped keep him awake ~ that's NO excuse at all!).

He's kicked you and the children out, hit you, accuses you ~ do you really want to live like that??

The children should be your priority so I'd walk if I were you.

You say your parents would help you, so it's not a case of having nowhere to go. They obviously care about you and the children so why would you feel that you would be letting them down??

You'd only be letting yourself and the children down if you stay.

Zazen999

If it was cocaine and no paranoia - would you still be happy there?

If it was paranoia and no cocaine - again, would you be happy?

Is it a bought house or rented? Are you married?

If it is rented and you aren't married, then it is easier...I am sure that someone will come along and say 'work it out' but it sounds like you've tried that - he's hit you, and chucked you and the kids out...what sort of man does that to kids???

Do you want to walk on eggshells forever?

You're not letting anyone down; in fact you'll be doing the opposite by keeping your kids safe.

You do need to speak to professionals though - see the link on the other domestic violence thread that someone posted for you.

I hope you sort of out.

pinkshoes

fkelanne wrote: »

i no you are right in me leaving him but i just cant and i really dont no y! .

But this isn't about you, as you need to put your 2 children first. Just imagine if it was one of them he hit? What if he hit them at same force he hit you, and hospitalised one of them? I'm sure social services would want to know why you didn't take them away from a violent person sooner...

So for the sake of your children, please leave this man. If he won't even admit he has a problem, then he's not going to change. Perhaps if you leave him, he might understand the consequences of his violent behaviour, then start making efforts to change?

sismith42

you've already lost a tooth to him-- what else do you want to loose?

Get the kids out, and don't even think about coming back until he's clean! (and don't let the kids back near him until you're SURE that he's clean)

The problem isn't with you, it's a dissease he has that makes him take druges that make him do stupid things-- nothing to do with you.

Good luck.

shell_girl

You're the only person that can make a decision about what you want to do- it sounds as if you've got a lot of support from your parents and that's half the battle.

His thinking will be altered by the drugs that he's taking but that's no excuse- nobody has to misuse substances- it's a choice that he's making every weekend. At the moment he knows he is free to make that choice with no consequences. He's thrown you and your children out of your home and been violent towards you- and has gotten away with it. You said that you'd given him an ultimatum of three weeks to change, and he's ignored that... and why wouldn't he? In his mind he's probably thinking that he can always hit you or throw you out again if he wants to, so he doesn't really have to listen to you or address his own behaviour- it's easier to control yours.

It sounds as if you know that the present situation can't continue much longer, and it's a case of making a decision. All I would suggest is that if you do decide to give him an ultimatum that you are sure in your head that you will stick to it... if you don't then he has nothing to worry about. In an ideal world he would realise what he's doing to you and your children and stop- but realistically do you think that will happen?

Your children will be learning from you and your partner how a relationship works. As they grow older it's possible that their relationships may echo what they've seen growing up and they may end up thinking that it's ok to be abusive or controlling, or that it's ok to be abused and assaulted.

Keep posting while you think about your options- there is plenty of support and information available on here. Keep safe- if you are threatened with violence don't be scared to call the police- they are there to protect you and your children.

Take care x