me my daughter and the boyfriend HELP!

millies_2

My daughter is due to have her baby any day now
she currently lives at home with me
I have placed her name on council in hope she will
offered a place to live.

her partner lives with his parents about 5 miles away
unfortunately me and daughters partner don't get on to well
this is due to the fact that he bully's her try's to control
her and constantly has at go at her for such little
things.

My daughter is the sort of girl who wouldn't hurt a fly,she
finds it hard to stick up for herself
and basically she allows him to treat her like a door mat.

when i see her cry over something he has said or done
i comfort her and give her a shoulder to cry on and give her advice,
but inside i get frustrated with her, so on a few occasions being the protective mum that i am i have lashed out on him not phsically but verbally
which i know it really hasn't helped the situation but i just can't stand back
and allow him to do this to her.

when i have lashed out it has calmed him down so much so
that he is to scared to face me.

he has now told my daughter that he does not want me a the birth
my daughter has put her foot down and basically told him tuff!

the main problem is now he has now said that he wants her
to go straight to hes house from the hospital after the baby born
my daughter does not get on with hes mother, also my daughter
is worried about the way her partner is going to treat her if she did
go and stay with him.
I have told my daughter that i am willing to put my personal feelings aside
about how i feel about her partner so that he can stay with us, she has told him this but he isn't having any of it. my daughter really does not want to go back to hes parents but in some respect she feels guilty if she doesn't

the poor girl is torn.

my daughter has had pains for 3 days now and because she told him over
the phone she wasn't well enough to go round to see him at he's house
he has caused so many arguments with her i had her in tears most of the
day.
i don't know what else i can do or say to her to help her .

you would think him being a police officer he would know how to compromise
and to know how to be reasonable.

dmg24

He sounds like the bf of a good friend of mine. It is heartbreaking to see him constantly belittle her, but ultimately it is she that chooses to stay with him.

I really don't know what to suggest about the situation when baby is born. She is going to need support more than ever, and as it sounds like you have a good relationship, common sense would say that she should come home to you. He can then make up his mind whether he wants to support mum and baby, or be an obnoxious fool.

Whilst I would not suggest that anybody try and influence your daughter, perhaps it is worth explaining the situation to the midwife. They may be able to have a chat with her, and just give her the chance to have an independent sounding board? x

shelley_crow

is there room for your daughter an her baby at your house? It might have been best not to put her on the council list, at least then she has you on hand when she needs you and also it would be more difficult for her boyfriend to be unreasonable around the rest of her family.

He and his family sounds like more hassle that it's worth, she doesn't need the stress while pregnant. If he is verbally abusive then she should start a diary and log every incident. Report any occurances of abuse to the police and seek advice from women's aid.

if it was me, i'd tell the scumbag that i'd make a mistake and there was no chance the baby was his. If she doesn't include his name on the birth certificate (which she is not required to do) then he would be required to apply via the courts for a DNA test to prove parentage, which would cost him money and time. He sounds like a nasty piece of work, and if she moves in with him i imagine things would only get worse. Good luck to you all x

millies_2

thank you for you replys

my daughters/babys bedroom are set up at my house

you have to place bids on the council website to be considered for housing
at the moment the council is only offering 1 bedroom flat
after the baby is born she can then start bidding on 2 bedroom flat/houses
so we haven't started the process of bidding as yet.

i have aired my views and concerns about my daughter partner but all she says is that she is scared which i do understand

i'm very worried about the amount off stress he is causing her
at the moment and how P N D may set in

millies_2

maybe i will get her to talk to the midwife

we have a very close relationship me and my daughter

she tells me that she has given up in responding to he's comments because
she can't stand being hacked at anymore and she's starting to do everything he wants just to keep the peace

Mojisola

shelley_crow wrote: »

If he is verbally abusive then she should start a diary and log every incident. Report any occurances of abuse to the police and seek advice from women's aid.

He is a policeman - heavens knows how he is on duty if he treats the mother of his child like this!

shelley_crow

Mojisola wrote: »

He is a policeman - heavens knows how he is on duty if he treats the mother of his child like this!

Good point! Maybe that's why he thinks he can get away with it?

Hell_Dans_Un_Handcart

I would think your daughter is going to be in no state to go anywhere other than home after the birth - she will be tired, will need privacy for feeding etc. It's not nice to watch your newborn passed round like a parcel, either. So she mustn't feel guilty about not wanting to go - if his family want to visit, they can arrange a convenient time, just as they would if the couple lived together.

As for him - he needs a short, sharp kick up the !!!!, doesn't he? Unfortunately, I'm afraid that's not your place. Your daughter's relationship is her business alone, unless she is at risk of physical harm. I know it must be hard for you, but I think you need to leave them well alone. Your daughter must be allowed to come to her own decisions about him or she may well end up resenting you - and that's the last thing you want.

You sound like you really want to support her, and I think that means just offering a shoulder - not your opinions on him. All that will do is make her feel worse.

Best of luck with it all.

shell_girl

I'd be quite concerned about her living with him after the birth- if he is already bullying and controlling her now then I fear it may get worse once the baby is born and he has an even bigger hold over her. If she is given a council house or flat, is it likely that he would move in?
Does she want to stay in the relationship? Ultimately, she's the only one who can decide what she wants, but I hope she will be strong enough to make her decision based on what's best for her and the baby rather than feeling pushed in to something.
If she does end up leaving your home, either to live with him or to live alone with the baby, one thing I would say to you is please try and make sure that you keep your relationship with her as close as you can. It sounds as if he is someone who could potentially try and isolate her from you- perhaps he sees you as a threat? In that situation, even if she doesn't phone you/ pop round and see you as often a you would like please try and speak to her every day at least, so that she knows she always has someone/ somewhere she can go if she needs to.

journ

My heart really goes out to you daughter I know your lovely daughter loves him but she has to do whats right for yourself and her baby and i would say to move in at yours if this is the way he is going on now god know what he will be like when he is living with him.

The same thing happened to me my EX wanted to control me i put up with his s*** for years but when i had my baby i knew i had to do what was best for my baby and that was to tell him to leave me and my baby i just didn't want my baby living like that it was hard because i loved him but 22 yrs later i have proved it was the best move for me and my son I said from the start i would never stop him seeing his son but someone would have to be there

please pass on my support to your daughter .

millies_2

Thank you for all your comments.

My daughter met her bf last September .This is her first proper relationship she been in.
2 months into there relationship she found out that she was 4 weeks pregnant, her partner was over the moon but she was very unsure about having the baby.
Over Christmas she couldn't decide how she was feeling one minute she was happy and the next she felt so unsure.She confided in me we talked for hours about what she should do, we were both in tears, I told her I would arrange some outside help because I didn't want to persuade her with any decision that she had to make with baby.
In the meantime she tried to talk to her partner about how she felt but he was having none of it,He basically told her if your thinking about killing our baby we are finished,She had no support from him what so ever, he constantly telephoned her just to have a go at her
.I arranged for her to talk to a nurse at the health clinic, to discussed her feelings and options,
the nurse told her!
'' if the pregnancy wasn't planned it is natural to feel indecisive'' the nurse then told her she had some time to think about things and to make a decision about what she wanted
Some time went by before she knew it the first scan was booked, it was only when she had the scan it made her realise how much I really wanted to have the baby,
At this point things between her and the bf was awful
Her and the bf had an arguments over something so stupid my daughter did not get in touch with him for a few days by the third day he text her and said he was going to kill himself.
My daughter is in floods of tears he's emotional black mailing her
How can I not express my opinion or feelings on a situation like that.
He has terrible mood swings,especially if he doesn't get hes own way,he does drink a lot weather hes drunk or not he argues and tells her what she can and cannot do
I know hes job is stressful as my daughter father is also a police officer so she knows what the job is all about, but even so my daughter shouldn't be he's punch bag/stress tool
And I can't stand back and allow him to emontionally abuse her any more