Moral support needed!

monicamj

DervProf wrote: »

I don`t know about being "grown up", but I am a bloke (sorry about that). My experience, and this is very anecdotal, is that it is the ladies who have more of a tendency to be poor with handling money. I believe that men generally see things more "black and white". When it comes to sorting out finance, a grasp of logic, and a control over emotional response to money is a major help. I think that men tend to exhibit more of these qualities. Obviously there are exceptions, but that`s what I`ve found when I look at friends and family.

Anyway, to the OP -

"That settles it, when it returns from work today and before he is distracted by Dr Who, I will demand possession of all cards, inform him of the new pocket money stance and i he has anything to say about it, I will cry and hit with worries about never being out of debt or having a house and children and that we die poor and lonely.

Or do you think that's a bit much?"

No, and good luck !

PS. If the Daleks win, debt will be the least of our worries.

I knew you were male you offered advice straight away! I don't think that I view money emotionally (although I'm probably not a good judge), I have utilized many of the money saving tips and I don't think I can really save on anything other than fags, food and booze. Hence attempting to give up smoking, plan meals and brewing my own.

However the last time I gave up smoking DH spent all the saved money on whiskey.
Whenever I free any money up to pay off debts he goes buys something daft.

Overall our situation isn't too bad, we have enough money to cover the bills and to pay minimum on the debts with a little extra. I think it would be easier to convince him to make savings if our situation was worse. As he sees it we are okay, so there is no reason for him to cut back.

P.S, Dr Who will not let the Daleks kill us, earth is defended:beer:

monicamj

Jenna,

Forgot to say, I will show him the snowball calculator, I think it may help.

Jenna

Hey Mons,

It sounds like his Mum was really the one responsible for taking control and looking after the family/bills/making sure everyone got fed etc. This could be why he's just expecting you to look after the money side of things? Or it may just be that since you want to be in control of it, then it's just easiest for him to let you?

There's nothing wrong with being in control (and I will admit that I can be a bit of a control freak myself on occasion! ) but if it's at the stage where he knows he can just abdicate all responsibilty because you will just take care of it, then you've got to ask yourself if it's worth it?

Having the sole "control" over money is 1) a bit rubbish because you end up miserable/nagging if he spends too much and 2) not really true ... he does have the power to spend it if/when he chooses, so you both have control when it comes right down to it.

The difference being that if you can begin to allow him to take a more adult kind of control, e.g. that of making decisions (night out at the pub vs. save for a deposit) and being responsible with money etc, then you may just find he starts to understand the pressures/problems that are in the budget. But you need to be able to let him help and try to make decisions about your money together in order for this to work ... and it does take a bit of trust. There's no reason why you can't run a joint account well if you can work together on it.

Or, you may like to have 2 accounts - one joint for the wages, and then a Standing Order taking all the money needed for the bills straight out of that and into a "direct debit/bill payment" account. Then he can easily see that whatever is left is "spare" ... to spend/save. And you never have to worry about the bills not being met etc.

If you can agree something like this with him, you may both find it easier if you include a small amount of saving/over-paying on debts as a "bill". That way he doesn't get tempted since the money has already gone out of the account, and you feel more comfortable knowing the debt is reducing.

I think being vague can mean a lot of things and only you will know him well enough to interpret that ... with some people it means they don't really want something very much / don't want it yet but "someday" / haven't really thought about it etc.

There's nothing wrong with having considered how the cost of the house impacts on your monthly re-payments, it's a sensible financial consideration if you're thinking of buying a property. I think the problem is arriving where you're at that stage and he's still at the "maybe someday possibly it would be nice to have a house" stage.

I guess the question is really whether he's being vague because he knows you're in control and you'll end up with a house anyway (e.g. he knows he doesn't need to think about it/act any different etc) or whether he's being vague because he really doesn't care enough about getting a house yet. (don't ask him this!! lol but just keep it in mind)

I don't think you're being anal but if you do find that you're at different stages in this house buying thing, you may like to just try to involve him in reducing the debt and then later, when the debt is gone, you can talk with him about using the £x per month (that you were paying on the debts) to start saving towards a house deposit. He may also be more enthusiastic if he has a nice image/idea to work towards e.g. if you achieve a deposit of £x you can afford to buy a house with x bedrooms, in x area etc.

Or even that if you get a good deposit of £x it will reduce your monthly mortgage payments - so you can both afford to over-pay the mortgage a bit and he can also buy a webcam (or whatever) now and then.

Right - sorry for the long post. Not capable of getting my thoughts organised into a few sentences, exhausted today after my week!

Hope that helps xx

Jenna

Cool, hope the Snowball calculator does some good

Oh and as re him not seeing the need to cut back now since your situation "isn't that bad" ... ask him to imagine what would have happened last year (with him being out of work) if you'd had these debts!

Good luck xx

monicamj

Thanks for both posts, and you have a point about the situation, it would suddenly become beyond unmanageable if one of us became out of work, we'd have no way of paying the bills let alone debt

Jenna

Sorry ... didn't mean that to sound really dramatic or to worry you (I've just thought about what I wrote!). It's pretty unlikely to happen but if you are worried you can get something like income protection insurance I think (others on here will be more able to advise if something like this is actually worth the expense). But it could just be a way of shocking him into realising that he does need to step up and share the work of reducing the debt with you.
xx

monicamj

:eek: It's a serious point and might scare him

Forgetmenot68

monicamj - my husband has been burying his head in the sand about our debts, but I haven't been great either. I'm now back in control which I don't like much, but it's necessary. Facing it together is the best thing that we have done (though it's very early days). I hope you can get through to him.

DervProf - sorry If I offended you -did you see my immediate follow up post? My ill-judged comment wasn't meant to be taken seriously, by women or by men! And I think if we're going to generalize, you are most certainly right in your views on men and women and their dealings with money.

P.S. I fear that a re-generated Doctor may be too weak to defend the Earth... we are doomed... :eek:

monicamj

You are right of course, tackling it together is the only way. Thank you.

P.S the re-generated Doctor will be brilliant - as always...I wonder if there is a Dr Who religion? I am tired of Jedi - I don't have enough of the force.

DervProf

monicamj wrote: »

I knew you were male you offered advice straight away! I don't think that I view money emotionally (although I'm probably not a good judge), I have utilized many of the money saving tips and I don't think I can really save on anything other than fags, food and booze. Hence attempting to give up smoking, plan meals and brewing my own.

However the last time I gave up smoking DH spent all the saved money on whiskey.
Whenever I free any money up to pay off debts he goes buys something daft.

Overall our situation isn't too bad, we have enough money to cover the bills and to pay minimum on the debts with a little extra. I think it would be easier to convince him to make savings if our situation was worse. As he sees it we are okay, so there is no reason for him to cut back.

P.S, Dr Who will not let the Daleks kill us, earth is defended:beer:

Hello again ! A bit more advice (well, a few observations, anyway).

When I stated that women tend to be worse with money, and that money needs to be treated without letting emotions cloud our judgement, I was very much generalising, and only giving my personal view. Of course, in many relationships, it is the female who is in control of the purse strings, and the male who "wastes" the cash. You obviously fit into this category.

Now, I`m "lucky", as when it comes to handling the dosh, I`m a very good boy (I think !). If you hadn`t worked it out, I`m single, although I have "done my time" :rolleyes: in a relationship. I think that being single, and therefore relying on one`s own income, is a double edged sword. If my income falls, or disapears, I could be in trouble. However, I have no "other half" to over spend or get into debt. I have developed a mentality of being generally careful with my money, but not to the point of being "tight". I can also look at situations, such as your own, and see quite clearly what needs to be done. Of course, when another human being is involved, money issues become more difficult to resolve, as we`re all different, and although you may be concerned about reducing debt, your partner may not be.

I could go on for ages about debt, saving and attitude to money, but i`ll repeat my earlier advice, get rid of the credit cards, and allow your OH a monthly spending allowance. Ultimately, you used debt to get through a period of unemployment, and that, IMO, is not as bad as getting into debt because you were inpatient. In theory, all debt has to be eventually repaid. Once that debt is paid off, you will have generally paid more for the item(s) than you would if you had saved for them. So the main reason for people getting into debt is inpatience, they can`t save up before they want the item, they want it now. I stick to the following rule - apart from buying a vehicle, a home, or an emergency (such as some essential maintenance on your home/car), debt is to not to be used.