Moral support needed!

jack92

Mons,

I can't offer any advice because it sounds like my dh is very similar to yours regarding his attitude to money :mad: I'll be watching this thread with interest and of course will let you know if I have any bright ideas!

Nicola
x

monicamj

That settles it, when it returns from work today and before he is distracted by Dr Who, I will demand possession of all cards, inform him of the new pocket money stance and i he has anything to say about it, I will cry and hit with worries about never being out of debt or having a house and children and that we die poor and lonely.

Or do you think that's a bit much?

Jenna

Hey there MMJ,

Just wanted to post and say "you're not alone"! My OH (whilst a lovely guy) is certainly a spender not a saver, and can't see the harm in splashing out "once in a while" or "to treat himself, he works hard and deserves it". And nor can I - but he does it every month!!

The trouble is that if you nag them you run the risk of becoming their mother (and how much does any kid listen to their mother when it comes to fun?!) ... and if you don't say anything, it will just continue.

It can be exceptionally frustrating at times, especially if they're out having fun whilst you're trying to look after the pennies, but all you can really do is try to keep calm and have an adult conversation about the situation ... and, from my experience, be prepared to repeat yourself a few times.

As an example my OH kept saying that it was "normal" to be in debt (to which I replied it may be normal but if so, I don't want to be normal! lol) and also he didn't understand why I was so motivated to pay it off. By way of answer, I plugged in his personal finance (loan, CC etc) figures to the Snowball calculator and found his DFD date, then added £30 extra over-payment each month and it moved from 2015 to 2012! He was quite impressed!

Of course today he is out at a music festival whilst I am stuck indoors, so it's not perfect yet by any means, but I'm hoping that over time it will get better (it has so far, before anyone says I'm being stupid).

Anyway ... maybe try showing him the Snowball calculator, it is a useful tool as it's very visual and they can really see what a big diff a small change makes. Ask for his help and suggestions, don't just "tell" him what to do (he'll be more involved and committed to it that way). Remind him that because he was out of work (and now that he's back in work it no doubt feels great to have his own money & to spend it) was the reason for you both getting into debt ... you supported him while he was out of work, now it's time for him to support you in paying the debt off.

Last but not least ask him what he wants in his future ... if he doesn't want to buy a place, you may be better keeping your finances separate and buying it yourself - perhaps even letting it out to get yourself some income from the investment, though you'd need to investigate that seriously to see if it's a good idea.

OK, well, enough rambling from me. HTH, good luck with it all

monicamj

He does want to buy a place - we have discussed it. I think he thinks things will just happen to him, or more likely one day I will just say "I've seen this really nice house shall we buy it". My own fault I know.

Thanks for the advice and support everyone, it is always good to know that you aren't the only one.

Jenna

It's not your own fault it may be that he just doesn't realise what's involved in buying your own place ... can I ask what his family's background is in this? As an example both my parents (now divorced) own their own homes (with a mortgage admittedly though) whereas his parents have never owned a house.

Now of course his family's circumstances were different (reasons I won't go into on a public forum, it's not really fair to them) but even so... if it's "expected" or "normal" to own your own place, sometimes it's easier to understand what's involved? Or maybe his mum was always the one controlling the finances (e.g. not a joint thing between both his parents), so he just expects you to handle it?

I don't believe anyone is "doomed" to be a certain way just because of their upbringing, but it does have an effect on your approach to life at some level. Just a thought, anyway.

Take care xx

Forgetmenot68

monicamj wrote: »

That settles it, when it returns from work today and before he is distracted by Dr Who, I will demand possession of all cards, inform him of the new pocket money stance and i he has anything to say about it, I will cry and hit with worries about never being out of debt or having a house and children and that we die poor and lonely.

Or do you think that's a bit much?

Men eh?! :rolleyes: Just wanted to add mine to the voices of support. Sometimes it's best to think of them as children with very few rational thoughts in their dear little heads...

Sorry to all the grown up men out there....

Forgetmenot68 xx

Forgetmenot68

I love men, really I do! That remark wasn't meant to be taken seriously.

Good luck with talking to you OH monicamj.

xx

DervProf

Forgetmenot68 wrote: »

Men eh?! :rolleyes: Just wanted to add mine to the voices of support. Sometimes it's best to think of them as children with very few rational thoughts in their dear little heads...

Sorry to all the grown up men out there....

Forgetmenot68 xx

I don`t know about being "grown up", but I am a bloke (sorry about that). My experience, and this is very anecdotal, is that it is the ladies who have more of a tendency to be poor with handling money. I believe that men generally see things more "black and white". When it comes to sorting out finance, a grasp of logic, and a control over emotional response to money is a major help. I think that men tend to exhibit more of these qualities. Obviously there are exceptions, but that`s what I`ve found when I look at friends and family.

Anyway, to the OP -

"That settles it, when it returns from work today and before he is distracted by Dr Who, I will demand possession of all cards, inform him of the new pocket money stance and i he has anything to say about it, I will cry and hit with worries about never being out of debt or having a house and children and that we die poor and lonely.

Or do you think that's a bit much?"

No, and good luck !

PS. If the Daleks win, debt will be the least of our worries.

monicamj

Jenna wrote: »

It's not your own fault it may be that he just doesn't realise what's involved in buying your own place ... can I ask what his family's background is in this? As an example both my parents (now divorced) own their own homes (with a mortgage admittedly though) whereas his parents have never owned a house.

Now of course his family's circumstances were different (reasons I won't go into on a public forum, it's not really fair to them) but even so... if it's "expected" or "normal" to own your own place, sometimes it's easier to understand what's involved? Or maybe his mum was always the one controlling the finances (e.g. not a joint thing between both his parents), so he just expects you to handle it?

I don't believe anyone is "doomed" to be a certain way just because of their upbringing, but it does have an effect on your approach to life at some level. Just a thought, anyway.

Take care xx

From what he has told me the family background is this:
Father in RAF (subsidized housing, spent his wages gambling and drinking)
Mother worked as a nurse in order to pay for every thing else.

I have to say I do prefer to be in control, it started because I was
the one with wages therefore I paid all the bills. When he started work he didn't pay the full amount of his wages into my bank account so I made him transfer it to mine and made it joint.

I can see where you are coming from. Also I don't think that he wants stuff as much as I do, he is more vague. As is he would say I want to get a house some time. I would say I want to buy a house that costs XXX amount so we can afford the mortgage, and I want it by XXX time in order to have some children by XXX time.

It's possible that I need to be a little less anal and perhaps go with the flow a bit more.

mons x

GhostHunter_3

monicamj wrote: »

That settles it, when it returns from work today and before he is distracted by Dr Who, I will demand possession of all cards, inform him of the new pocket money stance and i he has anything to say about it, I will cry and hit with worries about never being out of debt or having a house and children and that we die poor and lonely.

Or do you think that's a bit much?

Try cutting up his credit cards infront of him too late then he has to face up to it! :rolleyes:

Alternatively you could hide them when hes in bed at night and when he askes "have you seen" you reply "no sorry I thought they were in your warn out wallet!"

Thankfully mine isnt a Dr Who fan. :T