Moral support needed!

monicamj

Hello everyone!

I have been reading this board for a while now and I have to say knowing that other people are in debt too is really helpful.

At the beginning of last year my DH and I were debt free, unfortunately he was out of work for 8 months and as my income alone didn't quite cover the bills the credit cards were all maxed out.

I have put into practice many of the money saving tips from this board and now he is working we have enough money to cover the bills and debts but we aren't making much of a dent in them!

The largest problem area I have is him! I have explained our financial situation to him, shown him the spreadsheets of our monthly spending and the credit cards, I have helpfully written in the interest rates and if we pay everything off at the current rate it will be paid by Aug 2011. This is based on us sticking to a budget and not spending any more - he keeps buying things!

We are currently in a rented house and I would quite like to buy one before the prices get to a point where we really priced out of the market and that will require saving a deposit.

How do I impress on him the urgency of the situation? How do I stop him spending money :mad:, he wants to buy a webcam - I mean what for!!

Sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant! Thanks for reading

Mons

rubydoiwannabee

monicamj wrote: »

Hello everyone!

I have been reading this board for a while now and I have to say knowing that other people are in debt too is really helpful.

At the beginning of last year my DH and I were debt free, unfortunately he was out of work for 8 months and as my income alone didn't quite cover the bills the credit cards were all maxed out.

I have put into practice many of the money saving tips from this board and now he is working we have enough money to cover the bills and debts but we aren't making much of a dent in them!

The largest problem area I have is him! I have explained our financial situation to him, shown him the spreadsheets of our monthly spending and the credit cards, I have helpfully written in the interest rates and if we pay everything off at the current rate it will be paid by Aug 2011. This is based on us sticking to a budget and not spending any more - he keeps buying things!

We are currently in a rented house and I would quite like to buy one before the prices get to a point where we really priced out of the market and that will require saving a deposit.

How do I impress on him the urgency of the situation? How do I stop him spending money :mad:, he wants to buy a webcam - I mean what for!!

Sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant! Thanks for reading

Mons

Hi
Welcome to the boards and well done for the making the positive steps. I don't know the answer really. What I have found that works for us, is setting an amount to live on weekly, withdrawing that cash and leaving cards etc. at home. It has been a really positive exercise for seeing exactly how much we are spending, somehow you are more reluctant to hand over hard cash! My OH has had his best week yet this week (we are only in week 4), he has completely stuck to the budget and that included going without cigs for two days ( he is trying to give up). I found myself with £10 left at the end of the week because my parking bill was less than planned. It really is very motivational.

If you were able to get your OH to agree to this for a week and show him the difference on the bank account etc. it might work!!

I wish you every success, keep posting here. The advice and guidance is invaluable.
x:D

monicamj

Thanks, our biggest expenditure thats !!!!!! up against the wall is smoking, we both smoke 20 a day - if we quit our debts would be substantially reduced. I'm on the doctors list for smoking cessation so fingers crossed!

rubydoiwannabee

monicamj wrote: »

Thanks, our biggest expenditure thats !!!!!! up against the wall is smoking, we both smoke 20 a day - if we quit our debts would be substantially reduced. I'm on the doctors list for smoking cessation so fingers crossed!

I don't smoke, but having spent the last 20 years with my OH and see him struggle to give up so many times, I can really empathise. He has done brilliantly with having a budget and making his cigs last, which in turn has meant his has cut down significantly.

Also forgive me for saying this..... but have you tried crying!! I got to the point where the debt was overwhelming me and I felt I had it all on my shoulders alone. When I cried and we talked about it, we made the new plans together, e.g. weekly menu, budget spreadsheets, moving bank accounts etc. I still do the bulk of it (mainly because I am a control freak!!) but feeling supported makes all the difference.

I hope you don't mind me saying all of this..... feel free to ignore.

GhostHunter_3

Hi Mons

I can only say how envious of you I am. :beer: Sorry this wasn't meant to sound like a snide remark just think you're so lucky to be able to talk about your finances with him. DFW has been my only support post for a long time as I keep things bottled up as I feel I cannot discuss these issues with family or friends.

I have been on Incapacity Benefit since November 2007, it was made long term in January this year (review in November 08). I have 4 Credit Cards, a joint loan of which I have to repay and 4 other 'finance loans' for past essential household items purchases from Currys all of which I have been keeping up payments over the past 8 years using income or savings I had put aside for a rainy day. All on-top of the day to day household and shopping bills!

I am now having to repay everything on an income based on Working Tax Credit and Incapacity Benefit each month. We do get help with rent and council tax thankfully, but not enough to free up finances even more. Husbands self emplyment doesnt bring in enough peanuts ande hasnt for the last 8 years.
He continues to carry on a blinkered view despite my repetition to try and sit down as you did and explain the situation and finacial debts we have had to continually tread water in over past 7 years! It all falls on deaf ears, not even his parents, the bank manager no-body can change his 'rosey' outlook.

I have sought advice about improving his business many a time and even offered to finance any one off payments to help with advertising - after all you have to do the work to make the custom, cant just sit back and expect them to come to him, especially as his line of trade is of a 'luxury' these days. But alas he doesnt want to know and therefore every winter we continue to struggle through as best I can. Thankful we dont have any children to drag through it as well, despite my desires to have a family before time runs out!

All he has to worry about is keeping up repayments on his mobile contract and keeping the calls from HIS credit cards away. Which as anyone knows come in shifts, he makes excuses, gets cross with them, shouts, and eventually pays something (barely the minimum) of what he owes only on final demand or threat to default him. Worries me sick for MY credit score being dragged down, its already bad, probably non existant soon! Makes me angry to think its me who pays for everything yet I get refused credit cards, or consolidation loans yet husband gets accepted still and he still doesn't pay me a penny to help! He has ovr past 8 years switched business banking twice as he has gone overdrawn without consent so his way of ignoring it is to complian its banks fault as they have charged him for returned direct debits and he closes his account and moves elsewhere as soon as 'business manager' appears not to want to help anymore! As he has no business 'savings' we have now had to open a joint account with a building society instead as all other banks require a deposit of £5,000 - £1,000 to remain in 'business' account to keep it open. He obviously doesnt have that and as we already have our own accounts at building society they could only offer a joint account option. My hands are tied as far as refual to open the joint account as its better to do things for him sometimes to keep him happy than it is to put up with his childlike behaviour!

Saying all this he is a hard grafter but he earns peanuts, here lies the problem I think!? Even though he works a lot of hours and only takes a Sunday off, he has no time for family, friends and even less for entertaining me or walking entertaining his 2 big dogs I am convinced he is more in love / obsessed with his job than he is with me or his family. After all he shows more compassion and concern at not letting his customers down than he is of taking a holiday! Oh and he also funds his smoking habit he has! HO HUM it all starts again for yet another week and month.... will it ever end?

NO I am not a Troll, this story is genuine, life (as some may know) has been and is tough. I periodically post on here but view more than I post. Its my only link sometimes to express my innermost frustrations so I appologise.

I dont mean for anyone to take pity on me its just I don't know what to do and just want to sort my debt problems out responsibly (as I am not an ostrich) for a better finacial retirement! :rotfl:


Anyway now I have that out of the way I would like to wish the OP good luck and maybe I will now pluck up the courage to post my own diary and SOA. Then again with all the Trolls about at the moment maybe I will wait until the coast is clear... if I can survive that long. Very down in dumps at moment with it all so thanks for listening and not judging. Good to see I am not alone (not meant to sound warped)

All the best to everybody keep well and hope you find financial freedome sooner than planned.
:T

monicamj

I didn't think you were a troll and your post gives me food for thought, perhaps your OH needs a bash on the head (joke), I am with you on the having small people before time runs out, I think this is part of the reason I am so upset. I am a planner and I am thinking about what I want in 5 years time (namely, no debt, a roof over my head that is mine - no matter how tiny, a couple of kids) , my DH doesn't think any further ahead than the next pay day and I have to try and sort everything out.

I used to totally control his money (control freak), but now he has his own credit cards! I think I'm going to have to treat him like a child and take away all of his cards and just give him cash. And when in runs out he can't spend any more of it. It seems a bit of a mental thing to do to a man of 37, needs must when the devil drives as my mother would say

DervProf

I don`t know about moral support, but I`ll offer some practical advice.

You stated "We are currently in a rented house and I would quite like to buy one before the prices get to a point where we really priced out of the market and that will require saving a deposit."

I have some good news for you, house prices are falling, and don`t look like they`re going to go up in price anytime soon.

Ditch the credit cards, pay off the debts. As far as "DH" is concerned, allow him a certain amount each month to spend on "treats", and no more. If he doesn`t agree to this simple, yet obvious plan, you don`t want to hear my next suggestion.

GhostHunter_3

:T Seems unfortunately we have a lot in common. We have child making issues as well, are both 36, and told we are still young and plenty time for adopting and fostering! We tried to look into adoption last year but didnt even get to complete the application form, were turned down at pre-interview stage by visit by social worker. Reason we were told? We didnt understand what a child needed, apparantly apparantly local authority agency seem to think all we would do was love a child not care for it! What is love does it not include care, guidance, nurturing etc etc etc?!

Didn help SW who visited was scared of dogs - despite me asking several times before she arrived if she had a dislike / allergy to dogs (always polite to ask) and for fuss free quiet interview reasons we shut them out in conservatry. It was very clear she was scared of any pets as the cat managed to get into the room and SW went shaky and said "children wont like cats or dogs they dont know" and soon departed! Took me another 6 months to chase up or application only to be turned down flat Cant get rid of dogs (have already passed cat onto inlaws as 1 dog liked to chase it too much) husband prefers dogs to kids I think, but he loves his neice and nephew so he does have paternal instincts inside him somewhere!



Am at my witts end people must look at me and think why dont I divorse him? Trouble is he wouldnt survive without me! I have however ever so recently kept threatening to move out into my own flat just to get some freedom :j Cant even do this I dont think as I wouldnt get any help with finaces then!

Think the saying goes something like cant live with them cant live without them! LOL :rotfl:

monicamj

Be nice! I have to say I am one of the few pleased by the downturn in the housing market, I'm in the north so it is a little slower up here.

The annoying thing is that he does agree with me when I point out we can't afford things but then spends money when I'm not looking. I feel a teachery level of strictness coming on...

monicamj

GhostHunter wrote: »

:T Seems unfortunately we have a lot in common. We have child making issues as well, are both 36, and told we are still young and plenty time for adopting and fostering! We tried to look into adoption last year but didnt even get to complete the application form, were turned down at pre-interview stage by visit by social worker. Reason we were told? We didnt understand what a child needed, apparantly apparantly local authority agency seem to think all we would do was love a child not care for it! What is love does it not include care, guidance, nurturing etc etc etc?!

Didn help SW who visited was scared of dogs - despite me asking several times before she arrived if she had a dislike / allergy to dogs (always polite to ask) and for fuss free quiet interview reasons we shut them out in conservatry. It was very clear she was scared of any pets as the cat managed to get into the room and SW went shaky and said "children wont like cats or dogs they dont know" and soon departed! Took me another 6 months to chase up or application only to be turned down flat Cant get rid of dogs (have already passed cat onto inlaws as 1 dog liked to chase it too much) husband prefers dogs to kids I think, but he loves his neice and nephew so he does have paternal instincts inside him somewhere!



Am at my witts end people must look at me and think why dont I divorse him? Trouble is he wouldnt survive without me! I have however ever so recently kept threatening to move out into my own flat just to get some freedom :j Cant even do this I dont think as I wouldnt get any help with finaces then!

Think the saying goes something like cant live with them cant live without them! LOL :rotfl:

Sounds like your SW is a bit rubbish! Surely the biggest thing that children need is love?!?

I think nurturing pets is a male way of showing their caring side. Mine is like that with the cats, I'm hoping it will transfer to being good with children.

Referring to people who suggest divorce as a solution to problems, it always annoys me!! Firstly no-one knows about your relationship except you, secondly if your life is stressful why complicate it even further by doing one of the most stressful things possible when you are in fact quite fond of your DH but he is just a bit rubbish and impractical...

GhostHunter_3

"I feel a teachery level of strictness coming on..."


:eek: go for it lol :rotfl:


"you are in fact quite fond of your DH but he is just a bit rubbish and impractical..."

What a lovely way of saying it your right you know - I am (I think)!