Because I'm bl**dy well worth it!

Well, it is that time of year again - I have been on MSE now for 5 years, and December therefore generally marks a natural point of reassessing for me.....usually including a new diary....so why should this year be any different.

This is chapter 15. Will there ever be a final chapter? Who knows. I reckon it will be a bit like those long running sit coms where you get the final series ever after 10 years, only to be followed up by a Christmas special, a feature length movie, a couple of "prequels" and just as you thought it was safe to let go, a special Comic Relief DVD makes its appearance.......

So, anyway, where were we? Or rather, where am I? And the answer is "how the heck do I know?!?" :rotfl:

Moneywise, I get by. DD is 17 and has left college so all financial support for her has stopped, whether from XOH or child benefit etc. She doesn't earn much, only working part time on a temp contract, so is not yet self sufficient and contributing, but she knows that I can't throw money at her any more. She has one more block of driving lessons that I have agreed to pay for before her test at the beginning of January. If she fails it, she will have to fund the next set of lessons herself. She hasn't yet had a paypacket, and her contract could end very soon, so we will address her finances and contributions when things are a little more certain for her.

DS is 16, in his final year of high school, and looking to go to college to do catering in September. He has a Saturday job so generally funds his own "spends", although as a strapping sporty lad, his food bill doesn't get any cheaper! Driving lessons for him will start next year and having funded DD's, I will do the same for him.

Skiing - well, that continues, but to a far lesser extent, as there is just not the money to do it. It plays a big part in our lives, but this year for the first time, I don't have anything booked for myself, DS has just one week of training planned, and DD is actually heading out to the Alps in February to WORK instead of to play.

As you will all be aware, I am spending money on stuff for myself now. I have started to be "me".....definitely a work in progress but, oh what progress I have invested time, and money, in looking and feeling more like the person I want to be.

For years I was bottom of the pile, as many of us find ourselves - due to debts, kids, lack of time, lack of happiness in relationships, low confidence, low self esteem, blah blah blah. I am learning that my rightful place is much closer to the top of that pile, and I am worth so much more than I ever allowed myself to have before. This is not just money-wise....eg there wasn't previously the cash available to have regular salon visits before, but I now know that I can look good and feel good in so many ways that I had never given myself worthiness for in the past.

There has been a lot of addressing of what I want and, as importantly, what I don't want. For example, I don't want to be chasing the DFW line that I have been "forced" to follow in previous years. I actually have no desire to mystery shop, to do surveys, to get things on ebay, etc. I've done it to death, and I truly want to free up my time to keep myself in balance. This means no extra cash coming in at a time when my spending is possibly at its highest. HOWEVER, it is vitally important for me to make these decisions and not to force myself into doing something I don't want to do. For example, I was asked to teach yesterday as they found themselves without a tutor.....6 hours work - nice amount of money. But I simply didn't want to do it. So I said NO. :eek:

So, I will be looking to retain that element of doing only (within the constraints of good parenting, career enhancement and the like) what I want to do, for reasons that I choose. What those things will be, I don't know - I have changed my expectations and outlooks far more than I ever expected over the last few weeks as I have started to ditch some of the crap that was taking over my head.

This diary will follow that.....it won't be focused on every penny as it has been in the past, and essentially I am still a very private person in terms of my personal life, for various reasons, so I cannot vouch for its usefulness to anyone on MSE any more.....but it is here, anyone is free to contribute, and we'll just see how things pan out.

So, before this post gets banned for being the longest most boringest ever, I will submit......with just one statement:

Yes, I am bloody well worth it.....and I am so much bigger than anyone who thinks otherwise