Wife doesn't love me anymore

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  • Scorpio33
    Scorpio33 Posts: 745 Forumite
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    cannyscot wrote: »
    In the early years with small children, work pressure it can seem a bit miserable -I am sure I told my hubby at a bad time I didn't love him. Now married 26 years and as happy as Larry.

    Book a cheap hotel but get romantic -cava, roses, some snacks , spend time talking , make it a night about your wife!

    All relationships are retrievable -it just takes a bit of work!


    I can't thank you enough for this post and I really hope it is true!

    FYI kids are 4 and 2.
  • The_Logans
    The_Logans Posts: 247 Forumite
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    Scorpio33 wrote: »
    I can't thank you enough for this post and I really hope it is true!

    FYI kids are 4 and 2.

    This is the hardest time for couples, we have a 7 and a 3 year old who still doesn't sleep. Adult relationships take a back seat while kids are young and so demanding. I hope things work out the way you want xxx
  • hazyjo
    hazyjo Posts: 15,470 Forumite
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    cannyscot wrote: »
    In the early years with small children, work pressure it can seem a bit miserable -I am sure I told my hubby at a bad time I didn't love him. Now married 26 years and as happy as Larry.

    Book a cheap hotel but get romantic -cava, roses, some snacks , spend time talking , make it a night about your wife!

    All relationships are retrievable -it just takes a bit of work!
    Agree - unless someone else is involved :/


    Jx
    2023 wins: *must start comping again!*
  • AndyBSG
    AndyBSG Posts: 986 Forumite
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    There's two ways of looking at this

    - Your wife doesn't love you. In this case, as others have said, you simply need to split amicably as quickly as reasonably possible

    - The love is still there but buried under the daily toil of life.

    You need to have a real sit down with her and and ask her honestly which of those two it is.

    You make no mention of the age of your two children and how long you have been living together and married in your original post.

    If your kids are both under 5 then I would say there's a chance it can be salvaged.

    Two young kids puts a lot of pressure on any relationship and it's very easy to become wrapped up in the day to day and putting the kids ahead of everything, including your own relationship.

    I know because i'm there myself with a 4 month old and a two year old and the love between myself and my wife definitely did disappear.

    Thankfully we both recognised it before it went too far and made efforts to get that magic back by making time for us and our relationship.

    The main worry is your wife saying she didn't love you when you got married and she only did it because she wanted kids. She needs to be truthful about that and if there ever was any love and when it disappeared.
  • PeacefulWaters
    PeacefulWaters Posts: 8,495 Forumite
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    Go to counselling yourself.

    Tell your wife that's what you're doing.

    Work on yourself. Do your practical household duties. Don't "pursue" or make any grand gestures. Don't seek hugs or sex.

    See how/if she responds. Give it three months.

    If that doesn't work, leave. Break all contact except for child handover. Don't have a new relationship yourself. Don't respond if it turns out she is seeing somebody else, but don't be surprised if she is. Give it a further six months.

    If there's still no positive response commence divorce proceedings and enjoy the rest of your life.
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367 Forumite
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    The difficulty you are now facing is deciding whether to invest more in the hope that you get a return, but needing to consider the consequences if it were to come and bite you.

    Like most posters, I believe that once someone says -not in anger- that they don't love you anymore and haven't done so for a long time that the chances of getting them to experience those loving feelings again are very low. That leaves them staying with you for comfort and companionship, which could be a compromise you would be prepared to make. The problem with this is that deep inside, we all crave to love someone, maybe even more than to be loved, so in all likelihood, given time, she will meet someone who will make her heart beat again and that would be her out of the door.

    How would you feel if you stay with her knowing she doesn't love you anymore, but still invest in the relationship, provide her with love, support, comfort and love, for it all to be thrown in your face before you can turn around and ask how.

    You still have a chance to meet someone who will love you deeply and it would be such a pity to pass by this. Separation is heartbreaking, but staying in a non reciprocated loving relationship usually end up in pain too.
  • NBLondon
    NBLondon Posts: 5,532 Forumite
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    Scorpio33 wrote: »
    She said she hasn't loved me for a long time, since before we were married and she only stayed with me as she knew I was her only chance of having kids and she wanted kids.
    If this is true - then you've been taken for a ride for years... No wonder you're hurting!
    and she said she didn't want to split up. She wants to stay.
    Sounds like she just wants you to help support/raise the kids then...
    Obviously you want to fix things - and if you love your kids too, you want to do the right thing by them. But you may find that you are committing yourself to a loveless marriage of semi-convenience for the next 15 years or so. That might work for some people. Some might even make it work as a form of open marriage. But whatever's broken - you can't fix it all by yourself - so like Andy just said - you need to find out what she truly thinks and whether she might want to fix it too.
    Wash your Knobs and Knockers... Keep the Postie safe!
  • surveyqueenuk
    surveyqueenuk Posts: 673 Forumite
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    Sorry to sound harsh but she's used you and wants to continue using you. Quite frankly, it seems she would have settled for anyone who she could have kids with.

    You don't need to stay for the kids, what do you think is more dysfunctional, two parents who are distant, but live together or two parents who are separate but happy.
  • gycraig_2
    gycraig_2 Posts: 533 Forumite
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    Id just walkaway the fact she seems to of used you as a sperminatpr is terrible behaviour.

    Still be there for the kids but I'd move out/ stay with a friend and put the ball in her court
  • prosaver
    prosaver Posts: 7,026 Forumite
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    its going to be hard if she still lives with you and dosent love you, were you a stay at home husband as you say your going to do more housework?
    “Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
    ― George Bernard Shaw
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