Wife doesn't love me anymore

Scorpio33 · 24 April 2017 at 11:50AM

Hello.

I'm 37, married with 2 kids.

Last year, I was having a bad time with work, I was difficult to live with and my relationship was suffering due to the job. I ended up quitting my job and was in counselling for a while. I finished the counselling and since the turn of the year, things have been getting a lot better, I have been a lot happier and my wife and are are talking a lot more and things with my wife have improved... until last weekend.

We went round a friends house had a fantastic time (the best time I think we have had in ages), but when we got home (Gone midnight), my wife told me she didn't love me. She said she hasn't loved me for a long time, since before we were married and she only stayed with me as she knew I was her only chance of having kids and she wanted kids. She also said that i'm her best friend but there is no romantic attraction there. I said to her that I want her to be happy, even if that means splitting up and she said she didn't want to split up. She wants to stay. I Love her with all my heart and would do anything for her.

I am doing ok, but this is a big emotional blow and I really don't know how to move forward and how to "fix" this. I feel a bit lost again.

I suggested counselling, and she is against that idea.

I guess that now she said what she did, I can see how our relationship has not been good for a while for a variety of reasons (IVF, redundancy, career issues, new kids etc), and I can see how there are issues in the relationship that need working on. We need more intimacy together and I think I am now in a position to improve things, but I don't know how.

I think I am still in emotional shock about it all and I am worried that my wife has emotionally checked out and this is just the beginning of the end. The thing is I can't change who I am and I want us both to be happy. I really Love her, she makes me happy just by being herself. I want to improve things and I don't know how.

The thing is, if I suggest more date nights, I do more housework and look after the kids more, is that me doing it just because she said something. As in, once things are better, I will revert to type and be myself again, only to disappoint her again? I can't believe that I am even talking about such issues in our relationship, as I never thought for a million years that things were that bad. To me, it is just part of life that all relationships have there ups and downs and we do need more ups, but that to me never meant that any Love was lost.

I feel confused, sad, lost and just don't know what to do.

System · 24 April 2017 at 11:55AM

Your wife says she doesnt love you any more. What else does she say? Does she want to carry on as a family or to separate?

Scorpio33 · 24 April 2017 at 11:57AM

She says she doesn't want to separate, but I worry that is just her paying me lip service until she is ready for us to split.

Lets assume for now that my concerns are unfounded and is just me thinking that as I am now in a low place.

So she doesn't want to separate and wants it to work.

Stevie_Palimo · 24 April 2017 at 11:59AM

My suggestion although probably wont go down well is to seek a new wife/partner in time obviously and for now look at going your separate ways, In a lot of instances people try to hard to fix these problems and for the most part it rarely changes anything.

comeandgo · 24 April 2017 at 12:26PM

I'm sending you hugs as what I'm about to say will hurt you. I could have been your wife, I got married at a young age, thought I loved my husband but after a few years realised I did not. We had children by that time and I thought it does not matter if I don't love him, we get on well and have children and as a unit worked well.
But after a few years of living like that my life was so empty, i was so lonely and I fell in love with someone else.
Our marriage ended because I was having an affair. Looking back it was unfair of me to continue in a marriage where I was not loving and respecting my husband.

Whether you separate now or in the future, if the love has gone it is very difficult to get it back.

Ozzuk · 24 April 2017 at 12:51PM

I was wondering if I should give my view - and it pretty much echos the post above (comeandgo).

It is a general statement but it seems to be very common that a women will check out of a relationship, effectively ending it as far as they are concerned but not actually say anything for months. Something will either then cause them to raise it, or they will meet someone else.

I'm sure some men act that way as well (in fact, I did this exact thing).

The point is she has already given up, anything you likely try will be futile and will just cause you pain because you will feel helpless. Staying with her would likely be a huge mistake as she will at some point decide to move on, likely at the point you think everything is fine.

Life is too short to spend it with the wrong person, the best outcome may be separate lives but amicable for the kids.

Of course this may not be the case for you, and I hope I'm wrong but I suspect I'm not.

davidwood123 · 24 April 2017 at 1:01PM

If she doesn't love you that's it.

Forget trying to change her mind. Don't beg. Don't get emotional. Don't bombard her with texts or calls. All these lead to her having less respect for you.

It isn't your decision to split up so it can't be your decision to get back together

hazyjo · 24 April 2017 at 1:04PM

comeandgo wrote: »

I'm sending you hugs as what I'm about to say will hurt you. I could have been your wife, I got married at a young age, thought I loved my husband but after a few years realised I did not. We had children by that time and I thought it does not matter if I don't love him, we get on well and have children and as a unit worked well.
But after a few years of living like that my life was so empty, i was so lonely and I fell in love with someone else.
Our marriage ended because I was having an affair. Looking back it was unfair of me to continue in a marriage where I was not loving and respecting my husband.

Whether you separate now or in the future, if the love has gone it is very difficult to get it back.

Agree with it all sadly. Hugs from me too.

Have you seen any signs that she may have met someone else? Have a real think about that - it's not always as obvious as people think. Signs can include - new clothes, weight loss, phone face down or left elsewhere, bounce in her step, finding reasons to stay out for the night or seeing more of her friends or staying out later than before...

I've been on both sides of the fence. When my first husband said 'I don't love you any more', it was like a kick to my stomach. We'd been together 6 years or so, but only married for 3 months. I was absolutely floored. Didn't take me long to realise he'd been seeing his secretary. He admitted it only after he moved out.

The night after he said he didn't love me, he wanted to stay and even expected me to still go to some family party with him that night lol! I'm really not sure what he expected. He obviously wasn't sure about being ready to move in with her yet so thought it was fine to stay put, not giving any thought to me in absolute pieces. Just bear that in mind... if she has met someone, he could even be married.

Good luck. Stay strong.

Jx

tea_lover · 24 April 2017 at 1:04PM

Your wife said this late at night, after an evening out, and it seems to have come out of the blue. It could well be that she meant every word of course, but it could also be the case that she was annoyed/drunk/tired and now regrets what she said.

Don't make any big decisions until you've had a proper conversation.

Scorpio33 · 24 April 2017 at 1:19PM

tea_lover wrote: »

Your wife said this late at night, after an evening out, and it seems to have come out of the blue. It could well be that she meant every word of course, but it could also be the case that she was annoyed/drunk/tired and now regrets what she said.

Don't make any big decisions until you've had a proper conversation.

To be honest, most of the posts here only confirm what I fear.

I do need to have a proper, sober conversation with my wife. I will attempt this tonight and I hope that we can both be honest to each other.

Has my wife found someone else? She said that she isn't looking for anyone else, but I have thought for a while that there could be someone else on the scene. The thing is, I was so low last year (suicidal), that my judgement on her behavior could be severely impaired. I could be seeing things that just are not there.

I defo need to talk to her more tonight. I only hope I have the guts to do so and I hope that we are both honest to each other.

cannyscot_2 · 24 April 2017 at 2:58PM

In the early years with small children, work pressure it can seem a bit miserable -I am sure I told my hubby at a bad time I didn't love him. Now married 26 years and as happy as Larry.

Book a cheap hotel but get romantic -cava, roses, some snacks , spend time talking , make it a night about your wife!

All relationships are retrievable -it just takes a bit of work!

Wife doesn't love me anymore

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