Niece in meltdown

gettingtheresometime · 29 October 2017 at 11:12AM

I haven't fallen out with my sister but we aren't close.

If any of her children rang me & arrived like that then there's no way on this planet would I turn them away.

JayJay100 · 29 October 2017 at 11:12AM

pmlindyloo wrote: »

Personally I do no think you should be dealing with this alone.

It is very difficult to work out what is the truth and what is exaggeration especially since you are 'family'.

To some extent you OH is correct and you need to take a step back. At the same time you cannot ignore the situation if you think some kind of abuse is going on.

Since your niece is over 16 then she can leave home without her parents' consent. However, what prompted her to ring you in the first place as from what your niece has said this seems to have been going on for some time?

I would persuade your niece to contact Childline in the first instance. This is entirely confidential.

https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/your-rights/your-rights/

I don't think there's any abuse. I think they're a family struggling to cope, in less than ideal circumstances, and I think my niece feels pushed out and is jealous. It's the new baby news that's pushed her over the edge. Last night, my niece was veering between 'why does she want more kids when she can't be bothered with the ones she's got' and 'what happens if mum dies'. My niece won't be a plaster saint in all of this; there were some spectacular flashes of temper last night, and I can't imagine that living with that, is a whole lot of fun.

POPPYOSCAR · 29 October 2017 at 11:17AM

What does your niece want?

BorisThomson · 29 October 2017 at 11:25AM

JayJay100 wrote: »

I don't think there's any abuse. I think they're a family struggling to cope, in less than ideal circumstances, and I think my niece feels pushed out and is jealous. It's the new baby news that's pushed her over the edge. Last night, my niece was veering between 'why does she want more kids when she can't be bothered with the ones she's got' and 'what happens if mum dies'. My niece won't be a plaster saint in all of this; there were some spectacular flashes of temper last night, and I can't imagine that living with that, is a whole lot of fun.

Neglect is abuse, that doesn't change because it's not intentional. You have a duty to contact social services and advise of the issues the family are having, you can't solve this on your own.

Is the pregnancy likely to be high risk again? If so your SIL will be monitored closely, and preemptive action taken if needed, whether that be hospital observation or a planned section. Can you try to reassure your niece on her concerns, perhaps with some information from a reliable website? I do wholly understand your niece's fears though, I had serious complications and now won't get pregnant again because I saw the pain it caused my loved ones.

kelpie35 · 29 October 2017 at 11:31AM

Your niece has two choices here.

Either she lives with you, under your rules, changes school and continues with her education or goes back home.

I would also contact social services and explain the whole situation to them.

Please don't be taken for a fool by relatives and remember your are married to a kind man who has helped out in an emergency situation.

Savvy_Sue · 29 October 2017 at 11:35AM

If you don't think your niece will cope with coming to live with you and transferring to a school near you, then I don't think you have much choice but to involve social services in her home area.

It is possible that there are supported housing options which would enable her to move out but get support. Or that a foster placement would be useful.

However, as long as she's with you (and therefore safe and supported) you'll struggle to communicate a sense of urgency about this.

Mojisola · 29 October 2017 at 11:44AM

JayJay100 wrote: »

They've made a proper go of it, are now married, and have had a further child together.

The new husband is working from home, and my nieces are expected to be out of the flat between 8 o'clock in the morning and 8 o'clock at night, so he can work in peace. Quite often, they have to take their little brother with them.

You have to involve social services! Banning teenagers from their home for 12 hours is not acceptable - expecting them to take a younger child with them is appalling.

theoretica · 29 October 2017 at 11:45AM

The older one has come to you, how is the younger one at this moment?

annandale · 29 October 2017 at 11:49AM

Taken for a fool? She's thin and she's dirty. She's got siblings under 16 who are very likely in the same situation..

I can't imagine tramping the streets for 8 hours is a whole lot of fun either.

VintageHistorian · 29 October 2017 at 12:10PM

JayJay100 wrote: »

I don't think there's any abuse. I think they're a family struggling to cope, in less than ideal circumstances, and I think my niece feels pushed out and is jealous. It's the new baby news that's pushed her over the edge. Last night, my niece was veering between 'why does she want more kids when she can't be bothered with the ones she's got' and 'what happens if mum dies'. My niece won't be a plaster saint in all of this; there were some spectacular flashes of temper last night, and I can't imagine that living with that, is a whole lot of fun.

I can entirely understand the temper. She's facing the fact that her life is crashing down around her, I think I'd be angry at that and I don't have to contend with teenage hormones on top of it all!

First, you do need to speak to social services. Dirty clothes, thin and hungry, chucked out of the house for 12 hours a day (what is she going to do in December and January when it's freezing cold?), all of this is neglect and that IS a form of abuse. If they're struggling to cope as a family then it's even more important that social services get involved, they can point them to the help they need to access, and ensure that this new baby arrives in a home that is safe and secure.

I think you need to give your niece a bit of time to work out what she needs and wants. A warm home, cooked food, clean clothes, the ability to have a hot shower, all of these things will help her calm down and start to process things. Give her a shoulder to cry on and an ear to talk to. The poor girl is terrified, a bit of stability will do wonders. She'll rage against her Mum and be terrified of losing her too, that's perfectly normal too.

Are any of your family in touch with the girl's biological father? You don't mention anything about him so I assume he's no longer in the picture? Given your DHs tension with your sister I wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't paid much attention to his BIL in the past. But if the father is still around, and you think he can provide a safe home for his girls, then maybe now is the time to start bringing him back in to the fold?

Niece in meltdown

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