When things hit rock bottom the only answer is to fight the way back up...

madhatter90 · 1 June 2017 at 9:06AM

Hi, Hidden

Bit of a lurker on this board, but I do enjoy reading diaries for inspiration.

I read through your whole diary today, and I just wanted to let you know that I think you're doing a great job and you should be really proud of everything you're doing.

Now, I'm very aware that I may sound very judgemental here but I noticed that you said you're OH is 40, and you've been together 14 years since you were 14. So if my maths is correct you got together when he was 26? A full grown man, dating a young teenager? I'm sorry, but that seems odd to me in the extreme. Perhaps your problems with him are arising because you're asserting yourself like the adult you now are, and he preferred it when you were young and pliable? I'm sure I've overstepped the mark here as a stranger commenting on your relationship unasked, and I'm sure you know it far better than me and if you're happy then I'm happy, but I just couldn't not comment, I'm sorry.

Keep on keeping on, you're doing a great job

enthusiasticsaver · 1 June 2017 at 9:15AM

Hiddenidenity wrote: »

The court order was set at rent + £12.50 today they've asked for rent + £45 I said I couldn't agree to that and I will pay that why I'm seeking advice. I will speak to homeless welfare when I get home. Well next week.

Council tax won't budge at all on the repayment. I haven't actually attended court for that but it does include some court costs. So I don't want to break the agreement too much and bailiffs turn up.

The debt advice place is run by the local council. On their SOA disregarding the family/friends and they worked out the average of OH wage from 3 months wage slips (which I tried to explain aren't realistic going forward because it was quite a lot more before April he didn't pay Tax or into a pension. Plus he had alot of overtime/bonus and holidays he hadn't taken) this along with leaving the £70 a week to friends and family out means we can 'live' and pay priority debts at a reasonable rate.

DLA form hadn't arrived when I come away. I will check when I get home and open the post tomorrow.

Yes OH is still smoking/going out etc. No he won't consider stopping even when I showed it was food or his spends

He knows I'll find a way to manage, but its getting to the point there is no ways to manage anymore.

I cannot believe that your OH will prioritise smoking over rent, food and council tax let alone the debt. As you have found out money owed to friends and family will not be allowed for when looking at income and expenditure. Similarly with smoking but when I was a debt counsellor we were allowed to accept a small amount weekly for roll ups.

I think sadly your biggest problem is your OH who is not supporting you emotionally or financially and the fact you cannot work due to health issues of your child. Hopefully you will get some DLA for this.

Will your friends and family wait until rent arrears and fines and council tax arrears paid? Not ideal I know and I would be cross if I had lent you money and your OH was still spending money on luxuries (which smoking is but I know it is an addictive habit so needs help to kick.) Really all the fines, arrears, council tax and rent and bills and food should be paid then whatever left over be divided amongst you and OH for spends. Not spends first for your OH then the bills. Some tough love and no food for your OH until he shows some commitment? I would be so angry with him. Hope all this has not spoilt your holiday.

mummytogirls · 1 June 2017 at 9:36AM

Enjoy your last day on hols HI xx

Hiddenidenity · 1 June 2017 at 10:01AM

Wow thank you for all the replies.

My reception here isn't good enough to reply to everyone separately I keep losing my repels.

I know I'd be better off on my own but I'm not sure I'm brave enough for that route.

I haven't asked my friends/family if I can hold off paying. My stepdad is happy to wait. I haven't been paying him.

After my total panic and crying yesterday. I know we will manage. It just means I'll have to keep a grip on the groceries etc and be careful. Although I don't think I can get it lower than £30 a week plus nappies I can make sure we stay within budget. DS could come off school dinners at £6.25 a week but this will be one of the last things I do as he does enjoy them.

Hiddenidenity · 1 June 2017 at 10:03AM

Last day of the holiday today

We are all packed up so we're ready to go but we are having a day at the beach first

and coming home later.

I don't want to go home and neither do the kids. It shows even though we haven't spent on anything other than their own £3 each we can still have a good time

Toni'sfriend · 1 June 2017 at 10:31AM

You are braver than you think. Aren't you all but being on your own anyway? You're not getting support financially, emotionally or practically from OH. You might find you get more support from your mother (I don't mean financially). I suspect that she's exasperated at the way he's treating you and being unable to do anything about it.
Sorry if I'm being too personal.

kirtsypoos · 1 June 2017 at 1:14PM

Hi HI

I've been reading and catching up on your diary and you are really doing wonderful things with such a difficult situation.

I have to agree with other posters though - your OH has to change or you will lose your home. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but you can't keep holding it together whilst he spends more and more on rubbish. As an ex-smoker I understand that it isn't easy to give up, but his priorities should be you and the children, not himself. And as they aren't there is something truly wrong.

I'm so glad you have had a lovely time away with the children but I do think that the fact you are dreading coming home says a lot. Normally I would hope that your time away had shown him how much you do, but I don't think it has! How he can ask you for more money knowing it will leave you with nothing while you are with your children has my blood boiling.

I hope I haven't offended you with this, I just really feel for you and am concerned that you are going to be in a downward spiral with your mental health due to things you aren't able to control. Your OHs shortcomings are not a reflection on you - they are a reflection on him and him alone.

The way you juggle pennies to make everything balance is inspirational and I really hope it all works out the way you want it to

K x

GeorgianaCavendish · 1 June 2017 at 4:38PM

So glad you had a lovely week away

Is there any way that you can "give back" some of the debts to your husband to deal with if he insists on having his own money? For example, the large fine that I believe is in his name or some of the debt to friends & family members?

Silver_Queen · 1 June 2017 at 5:16PM

Hidden,

I don't want to give unsolicited advice nor be a stranger trying to dictate your life but I think that for the sake of your own sanity you have to put your foot down with your OH. He sounds like a man child and he is very, very, VERY lucky to have you. At the end of the day, you are the one holding your family together, not him. He should be with you every step of the way rather than (sorry to be harsh) a dead weight. You are an amazingly strong person but there's only so much you can do.

I hope that things ease up for you. xx

UncannyScot · 1 June 2017 at 6:09PM

Hi Hidden,

Have read through this and like the others I would strongly suggest you look seriously at how much better off you would be going it alone and looking after yourself and the little ones (you can do it all without him, as you are already really)

I lost my family due to my breakdown but I still give them all that I can and will and have gone without for their sake.

When things hit rock bottom the only answer is to fight the way back up...

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