Other thread opened my eyes

Primrose · 14 February 2017 at 5:52PM

There is great truth in the old saying "The kindness of strangers".
Sometimes the ability to let go of harmful emotions, even to people you don't personally know, is enormously therapeutic.
Sometimes, I feel, people feel they can't make a difference to other peoples' lives . Being supportive in this way proves how wrong they can be.

lessonlearned · 14 February 2017 at 6:01PM

Litchielou wrote: »

I am so pleased that this thread is helping everyone.
Don't worry the only charge for therapy is for you all to toast yourselves for being strong and loving
people.

xx

Oh I will......I shall raise a glass to my late husband for valentines.....

I have also bought myself some flowers and some posh chocolate in his name.

:rotfl:

Pollycat · 14 February 2017 at 6:01PM

lessonlearned wrote: »

It really isn't about the money......I couldn't care less ........its the toxic legacy he has left behind that's the real issue. It has the potential to cause a rift between my sister and I. I won't let it of course. I am not jealous of the fact that she gets the bulk of his estate but I would be a liar if I said that I haven't found it hurtful.

Sadly, it sounds like it already has caused a rift between you.

lessonlearned wrote: »

No matter how I cut it, my relationship with my sister will be (already has been) affected.

In law she is the winner and I am the loser. If he had wanted a fair division of the assets he should have made a codicil. He didn't. He never intended for me to have my "fair share".

Yes you can apply for a " Deviation of the Will" to circumnavigate this issue but only if all beneficiaries are in agreement. His solicitor has broached the subject to my sister, asking her to make an offer. She has refused.

For me The money is not the issue. Its the moral principle.

If she had volunteered to ensure that the estate was divided more equally then I would have let her off the hook. She could have had the lions share with my blessing, with perhaps just a small portion of her gain to be used as a bequest for my sons.

All I ever really wanted was an acknowledgment from her about the truth of what has happened. She cant or won't admit this and is in total denial. This is what is bothering me.

I have to say I am very shocked and saddened by her attitude, and her reaction has substantially altered how I feel about her. I thought she loved me and that we had a bond that no one could break. Now I'm not so sure.

My dad was always jealous of the strength of the relationship between my sister and I and over the years systematically tried to drive a wedge between us. It looks like where he failed in life he has succeeded in death.

I won't let our relationship ship break down but I have to say my feelings Towards her are somewhat ambivalent. It will always be there in the background.....how could it not be.

At the moment I dont even want to spend long in her company.

We still text each other regularly but I haven't seen her since dad's funeral nearly 3 weeks ago. This is unheard for us to go this long without seeing each other.

It's very sad but I just don't feel the same about her now. I still love her but I'm just disappointed that she can't seem to understand how badly I have been treated and that it hurts.

I suppose I will go and see her one day this week or early next week. But I take no joy or pleasure in the thought of being with her. It's all spoilt. That's his real legacy....damaging my relationship with my sister and sowing the seeds of discord. One final act of spite.

It's all so sad.
Maybe she will see things differently in a little while.

If she doesn't, you are clearly the strong one and will cope with what your Father has done much better than she will - even with all her money.

I was never the golden child either.
Luckily, I have a fab relationship with the one who is.
She has always needed my parents' money more than I did (and in fairness, she has always done a lot for our parents) and I've always said that if I was left anything in my surviving parent's will, it will be put aside for my sister and her kids.

lessonlearned · 14 February 2017 at 6:03PM

Primrose.....words of wisdom there about the kindness of strangers.

I have made some wonderful friends on these boards and have been helped through some very trying times.

I feel blessed and grateful.

lessonlearned · 14 February 2017 at 6:11PM

Polly......I always thought that my sister and I had a fab relationship too. I never thought anything would ever come between us.

I guess thats why it hurts so much........

Pollycat · 14 February 2017 at 7:36PM

lessonlearned wrote: »

Polly......I always thought that my sister and I had a fab relationship too. I never thought anything would ever come between us.

I guess thats why it hurts so much........

I really do feel for you, LL.

I think the only difference between us is that I don't want the money & neither do you really, but you believe it would redress some of the imbalance in your Father's treatment of his 2 daughters - and your sister holds that in her hands but doesn't seem willing to make you feel better.

I'm sure we all know who will come out as the survivor.

Let's hope your sister thinks about the situation a bit more and saves the day.

lessonlearned · 14 February 2017 at 9:15PM

Polly.....I really don't want the money. No amount of money could ever make up for all the years of his monstrous behaviour towards me and his shoddy treatment of my husband and my sons. As far as I'm concerned His refusal to attend my husband's funeral was the straw that broke the camels back. That was the day I drew a line.

No, it's not about the money. All I wanted was my sister to acknowledge the unfairness of it all. As the solicitor said, in these kind of situations anyone with a sense of fair play would make an offer, a gesture.

I dont even want a "token" gesture, just an admission of what he has done. I certainly did not expect her response. I was shocked to hear her say "I'm entitled". Yes she actually said that.

If she had said at the outset that it was wrong and she wanted to redress the balance I would have told her not to worry about it, that it was not her fault and that she was welcome to whatever gifts he had made.

It his refusal to honour my mother's wishes and the total lack of moral scruples that rankle the most. ........

.Just so he could twist the knife one more time.

Reliving it all today has made me feel really low tonight.

However, I'm not going to let it drag me down, I'm going to put it behind me now and let it go.

Tomorrow is another day......

I will continue to work to improve my health and well being and just get on with my life. I shall make sure it's a good one.

Nargleblast · 14 February 2017 at 9:36PM

Lessonlearned there is a saying that goes something like "the best form of revenge is to lead a good life"

You have done all that anyone could ask of you. Your sister and her issues are not your responsibility. Time for her to grow up and get on with it, while you and your lovely sons get on and lead that good life.

elona · 14 February 2017 at 10:08PM

LL

That statement "I am entitled" just chilled my blood especially as if it were the other way round you would have been insisting on doing the fair thing.

Looks as if she has decided what and who is important and it is "me, me, and me!"

You can hold your head up and be beholden to no one. Had she made the tiniest gesture financially or otherwise you would never have heard the end of it and it would have given her ammunition in the future to demand help from you.

She "knows the price of everything and the value of nothing!"

lessonlearned · 14 February 2017 at 10:28PM

Yes it was the "I'm entitled" that finally did it for me.

A real knife in the heart moment.:(

The thing is I would have been happy to help if she needed money. I have done in the past.

However, I dont think I will be able to do it again, not now.

Some cuts are just too deep.

PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING

Other thread opened my eyes

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