Other thread opened my eyes

Litchielou wrote: »

The reason I go for 2 long hours is I live 10 miles away thank goodness. Good news I won't be going today as it's very foggy and forecast to get worse, I have to drive through country lanes to get to hers.
I have noticed that everyone who has issues with theres calls her Mother but those close its Mum.
x

Not quite the case imo.

I call mine "mother". It started some time back in teenage years and then stayed that way.

The woman who is my mother is someone who admits to never having wanted to be a mother (but we hadnt got to the age of contraceptive pill and abortion yet) - so there wasnt a totally free choice about it that I've had (thank goodness:)).

She's not the worlds easiest person to get on with and she isnt a Mum. But she's my mother and I'll "defend" her if need be. I sympathise with her (a lot actually...) that she didnt have the choice I've had as to whether to have children or no. I know my generation onwards are blessed to have that choice at last and feel so sorry for men for not having that choice yet and so pleased they will have it soon:T. In my agegroup I am shocked at the realisation that's been dawning in recent years that even female friends of mine in my agegroup don't seem to have given their husbands their 50% share of the say as to whether to conceive a child or no and I'm struggling at dealing with them having done that - as, in other respects, they are decent people. But, in that respect - words fail me...at thinking of their poor husbands not being given their "say" in this. It looks as if only one of my female friends allowed their husband to have his 50% share of the say about that and accepted he refused to have more than one child.

I know that - despite children not having been her choice and that she is "damaged" in some ways (her mother didnt want to be a mother either/going through a major World War/etc) that she has tried to do what she can to be a responsible mother. No - she hasnt fully succeeded imo (ie she does rather have my brother as a "favourite" and that's not right obviously). But she has tried hard to deal with being a parent and do it properly and eventually learnt to accept that I'm a rather different person to what she had hoped for as a daughter.

But...yep...the habit of calling her "mother" has stuck and I think we both accept she isn't a "mum" type person. A "mum" is someone that actively wanted children/put them first/etc/etc and will probably try and act in a "mum" type way to pretty much anyone that is young enough to be "theirs".

So - there is a level of acceptance for us both on both our parts after all these years and I feel sorry for her for the position she is in and she seems to have finally accepted how different I am to her. We rub along...

I think what I'm trying to say is one can feel sympathy/empathy for someone that didnt choose to be a parent and we do have to bear in mind that we (ie us Baby Boomers women) are the first generation that have had the ability to choose (ie that pill/abortion). We are blessed with that being available at last. Those who became parents up to and including the 1960s may not have chosen to be parents and some of them will not try that hard. Others will accept that it's not our fault that we turned up anyway and get on and make the best of things and - come the end - then we've forged a reasonable relationship and it's based on both sides having accepted that it wasnt a relationship of choice and then deciding to make the best of things and not the fault of either of them and get on with making the best of things.

The generation of people now late teenage will have the choice there for both sexes - and both sexes will be blessed by knowing that they will only be parents by choice (not because methods arent available to deal with this or women arent allowing their men to have their say and are forcing parenthood on them regardless). The men that are currently up to 15 years of age or so are blessed too - because they will be able to prevent parenthood.

The generation that will be born to those 15 years old and downwards are very blessed - as they will know both parents chose to be parents. Meanwhile - it's fair enough to "cut some slack" for those who are mothers of my generation upwards and also for men of, say, 15 years old upwards - as they may not have chosen to be parents.