Upset. Need to change but how?

lostinrates · 31 January 2012 at 12:44PM

We have had family friends as lodgers, and i would always try and avoid it. Lodgers who become friends ate different, the boundaries are furnly in place before hand.

Dh lodges weekdaks, and while he would never leave a mess situations where be has cleaned up after his ll have been few and far between. He did indeed leave somewhere because of mess, though he liked his land lady and she has become a friend.

Living with someone who is a clise friend, and who you not only work with but who you have the stress of a business investment...more stressgful than simply being coworkers...well, that is hard enough for many spouces let alone friends.

Op, i think you lodger/friend/business partener oversteps his mark, and not surprisingly ina complicated situation. I would suggest to maintaina good friend ship and business situtaion he find somewhere else to live and then you attack the housework and you get a proper lodger who is just a lodger.

worriedtoo · 31 January 2012 at 12:46PM

i am untidy and messy overall (never used to be, everything just seems overwhelming these days) and he is very tidy uncluttered and neat.
as i said earlier, work is quite stressful for me at the moment and to help things, we have a cleaner once a week to ease housework and keep on top of things. Having 3 dogs doesnt help, particularly as one is elderly and becoming incontinent and messing in the house.

examples of recent disagreements;-
a few weeks ago, he took my car to get the tyres checked whilst i was at work and arranged for me to go in on the Sat morning to get the new one fitted (he was away) on the monday evening, he asked about the tyre and i simply said i forgot. he got annoyed about that, but then went on to get even more mad about a list of other things which i should have done but hadnt got round to. The reason I hadnt had the tyre done was that i was unwell, but that would have jsut been seen as an excuse (as i always have excuses for not getting round to things until he gets mad and makes me)
he got angry with me, and brought up a list of other things i have done wrong or failed to do and said i was being unfair.

I can see that he feels resentful that he is doing lots of things to help- cleaning cars, dog mess, emptying the dishwasher, tidying the garden etc and feels its unfair that i dont do my fair share.

in my defence, when i get home from work i do prepare dinner for us both a lot of the time, but often I'm too tired these days to do much else, and also have had a long and hectic day at work plus a commute, and may have called to see my parents as well as my dad isnt well.

Peater · 31 January 2012 at 1:47PM

You're making excuses to us aswell now....

By the sounds of things, he seems way more than 'just a lodger' and ample consideration should be taken. You wouldn't cook for a lodger, nor would you let them take your car to the garage. You could always tell him to leave, but as i said before, perhaps this is an oppurtunity to get some organisation and discipline back into your life.

Sounds as if you are in a negative spiral. You have the power to break the cycle.

Bangton · 31 January 2012 at 1:55PM

Tough one this. I think when you live with someone else..in whatever capacity you do have to think of them whether your house or not. No one wants to end up doing everything while someone lies back doing nothing.
That said I'm concerned with the level of tiredness you are feeling that is causing you to be out of sorts. You mention you weren't always like this and feel overwhelmed? I've felt like that too...I'm sure a lot have. (I also commute a long way for work). My guess is even when your sat back doing nothing your lodger griping at you puts you on edge? so rather than relaxing and having some down time you are worried about what you SHOULD be doing?

worriedtoo · 31 January 2012 at 3:06PM

yes, i am worried about a few things and do feel stressed about work.he doesnt pay rent, we agreed when he moved in about that, though he does help out with things instead.

the house isnt massively untidy overall, though some things need sorting. it isnt easy for him being stuck at home all day.
the most recent disagreement was over the car for sale. someone was coming to view it. when i spoke to them at the weekend, i said tuesday but they turned up ysday- according to lodger who was present when i spoke to viewer on the phone, he heard me say monday so they both couldnt be wrong. the car wasnt prepared (ie untidy/uncleaned/no petrol) so naturally the viewer wasnt interested. I'm sure i said Tuesday and explained why i was expecting him on tues but it became an argument as he says i wont ever admit i'm wrong, always spoil things and enjoy wallowing in a crappy mess.
i have felt quite overwhelmed and fed up for a while, and as i said at the beginning, i hate anger. he seems determined to believe that i make him angry on purpose and like causing arguments but that simply isnt true

rachbc · 31 January 2012 at 3:16PM

regardless of whether he is a lodger, paying rent or not, no one should be made to feel like he is making you feel. Certainly not by someone who proports to be a friend.

It sounds to me like you are really feeling overwhelmed at the moment - and rather than being supportive and trying to find solutions and help you feel less overwhelmed like a freind should he is adding to your burdens by making you feel edgy, anxious and undermined - which makes you feel worse about everything and it all becomes a vicious cycle. He sounds really rather toxic to me.

yvonne13_2 · 31 January 2012 at 3:18PM

worriedtoo wrote: »

yes, i am worried about a few things and do feel stressed about work.he doesnt pay rent, we agreed when he moved in about that, though he does help out with things instead.

the house isnt massively untidy overall, though some things need sorting. it isnt easy for him being stuck at home all day.
the most recent disagreement was over the car for sale. someone was coming to view it. when i spoke to them at the weekend, i said tuesday but they turned up ysday- according to lodger who was present when i spoke to viewer on the phone, he heard me say monday so they both couldnt be wrong. the car wasnt prepared (ie untidy/uncleaned/no petrol) so naturally the viewer wasnt interested. I'm sure i said Tuesday and explained why i was expecting him on tues but it became an argument as he says i wont ever admit i'm wrong, always spoil things and enjoy wallowing in a crappy mess.
i have felt quite overwhelmed and fed up for a while, and as i said at the beginning, i hate anger. he seems determined to believe that i make him angry on purpose and like causing arguments but that simply isnt true

Op I am sorry to say this but he is not a lodger, lodgers pay rent.

This puts a different spin on things so therefore him cleaning the house is the least he can do as he is living in your house for free and I think you must have declared this to the council tax people so in reality your paying for him to live with you as you are not entitled to your 25% single person allowence.

He is involving himself in your business like hes your boyfriend ect. And now your doubting every move you make around him, get him out of your house now before it's to late and you start seing that dark hole.

Lara44 · 31 January 2012 at 5:05PM

Agree with Yvonne - he should be doing cleaning to the tune of a few hundred pounds per month if he isn't paying any rent. Her point about the council tax is also good - does this guy pay any bills?

It should like you're having a tough time and this guy is adding to it. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship - he doesn't seem to respect you. I think you should set a phased plan for him leaving within the next 6 months...

DUTR · 31 January 2012 at 5:20PM

worriedtoo wrote: »

Hi, would like some advice on how to sort myself out. Background is have a close friend who lives with me as a lodger. He helps out round the house, as well as doing jobs and is a good friend whose friendship I value and who is good company, despite his own frustrations at struggling to find work, and health issues both of which are difficult for a bright and active person. Despite my best intentions, I seem to get things wrong. He feels that I deliberately wind him up and annoy him because I always have to be right or
Because I like arguments and get some odd pleasure out of angering him which isn't true. I find them stessful, anger unnerves me so I cope by becoming withdrawn which annoys him even more.
I would like some advice on how to change my
behaviours that are annoying- messiness, not getting round to
Things, untidyness, etc so I can be less annoying thanks

I can identify with your lodger's comments, putting aside the lodger/friend aspect. Some people once they win a debate with someone over a topic, they beleive they are forever correct on any future debate and the other person forever incorrect (in this case it could be either or both of you)

thunderbird · 31 January 2012 at 6:24PM

why should it matter to him whether you get your car tyres sorted or sell your car?

You car, your business surely?

If you are concerned about your lack of organisation - do you use a calendar/diary/outlook anything like that? Or put up rotas of who does what and when? I don't have a great memory so I always make sure that I write things down.

Upset. Need to change but how?

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