Please help my Mum! She is burying her head in the sand, HELP!

Blade26 · 12 February 2005 at 11:13PM

Basically, I was sorting through some paperwork today and came across a bill of my Mum's from Barclaycard which nearly made me choke, she owes £7700.

I spoke to my Mum when she came home, and all the true facts came tumbling out. For a while me and my sister have had suspicions, phone calls from banks which she takes in the bedroom, hidden letters etc etc, but my stumbling across the above confirmed everything.

She has finally confessed to my sister and I the true extent of the problems, and as both me and my sister have been avid readers of these boards for many months, the advice we would give her is probably what the responses on here would be, but it's beneficial to hear other peoples thoughts. Waffling I know, hope it makes sense!

The extent of her debts is as follows:

NEXT Directory £256.66
CITI Bank £2314.02 Credit Limit £1950.00
Barclaycard £7687.93 Credit Limit £0.00
Lloyds TSB £3672.41 Credit Limit £0.00
M&S £1791.07 Credit limit £2500.00
Yorkshire Bank £2215.33 Credit Limit £2100.00
Frasercard £843.16 Credit Limit £1600.00

I havent yet worked out the APR on all of the above, and my Mum doesnt actually spend on any of them, and hasn't for ages if her bills are anythign to go by. She is incurring costs for interest, late payment and over limit fees, the only one that she has done anything about is the Barclaycard as they phoned her! She is now paying them back £100.00 a month with 0%.

We have just worked out that the current minimum payments are £722.00 per month, and that is on a salary of about £1100 per month, so the maths dont really add up. Fortunately she and my Dad dont have a mortgage, but she is mortified that my sister and I know of this without adding Dad into the equation.

I have told her that the first thing she must do is speak to them all and try to batter her interest rate down as far as possible, and that if she doesnt want to speak to them then I will do so on her behalf (with her permission of course!)

Me and my sister are livid with her for gettign herslef into such a situation, when she has always seemed so sensible, but it is only because we love her so much that we are so angry. We want to help and hope that other MSE's might be able to help us to help her.

Thanks
x

aliasojo · 12 February 2005 at 11:32PM

I'm no expert on stuff like this, but if your Mum hasn't been good at dealing with this kind of thing up until now then she's perhaps unlikely to be very good at handling the problem and actually speaking to the companies she's owes to, herself.

Many companies invoke the Data Protection Act and will not deal with anyone other than the customer, even with written permission. (Speaking from experience when I wanted to deal with something in OH's name with permission and was not entertained.) This being the case, you will not be able to help on her behalf.

Needless to say the higher interest accounts should be cleared first, but given the amount of income you've listed and the minimum payments required, your Mum is going to struggle, especially if there are other household bills to come off this income too.

I suggest a visit to the Citizen's Advice Bureau and they can contact the creditors on your Mum's behalf. This will also carry more weight than if she just phoned them herself to explain the mess she was in. Sometimes cc companies will not appear overly helpful at first as they are wary of customers who are just trying it on but CAB involvement should make them realise the seriousness of the situation.

The CAB can come to an arrangement with all parties and a payment plan can be structured. Often the interest can be frozen too, so that it doesn't continually add up to make the situation worse.

Others on here may well have more useful suggestions though, I wish you luck and I hope you all get on top of this.

Sofa_Sogood · 12 February 2005 at 11:33PM

Hi,

I can't help with the money side of things (but I know someone will be along soon to help

), but try not to be too mad at your Mum. There's usually a reason why these things happen, and she's probably glad that at least you and your sister have discovered it.

My Mum got into terrible debt, to an extent that it made her so ill she was hospitalised, but we all rallied round and helped her.

The ironic thing was ...a lot of the debt she'd incurred was spent on us - her kids!

Hope it all works out well for her, and you and the family.

rizla01 · 13 February 2005 at 12:20AM

How sad to read of your dilemna.

Well firstly you have already taken the first steps to sorting this problem by coming on here, so well done.

You don't say how old you are but you are being very mature to take this responsibility on!

One good thing that'll come from this is that, hopefully you and your sis will see sense when it comes to borrowing money.

It's very easy for your Mum to fall into this trap and if it's any comfort, many others have done similar and worse.

It looks impossible at the moment, I know but don't despair there IS an answer to her situation.

Perhaps a loan company will help by lending her the funds to pay off ALL of the debts in one go, thereby making it easier to deal with, but you must get advice from the CAB on this.

Firstly, contact ALL of the credit control depts of the companies involved. You will need to get your Mums authority to allow the companies involved to permit this because of the Data Protection Act, but they WILL agree if they can see that you are trying to sort the problem out.

Then you need to eradicate the smaller debts- one at a time.
This'll lessen the load. The larger ones will have to wait till she is in a better position having gotten rid of the smaller ones.

It is possible that the Companies involved were aware of some of your Mums' problems but still loaned her the money in which case THEY are at fault. Once again the CAB will advise. They have an acting solicitor that you can speak to at no cost to you.

You will find that some companies will actually write the debt off under certain circumstances if they know that they are not going to get anywhere by pursuing the matter.

If she gets taken to court then the courts will issue a County Court Judgement(CCJ) against her which will prevent her getting loans in the future. If they are not paid up. They will disappear after 6 years (I think).

Finally Bankruptcy would be the last resort but Dad could be affected by that.

If there are any problems with debts at that household and you or your Sister try to get a mortgage or any other kind of loan, you could find that you are adversely affected by this too, so be warned.

Phone the CAB first thing tomorrow and leave it up to them. Obviously accompany Mum to the meetings but most of all - Dont let it get you down.

It's only Money!

Best of luck.

Riz

aliasojo · 13 February 2005 at 12:28AM

Given the way these accounts have been run with over limit amounts, and the late fees, it is extremely unlikely a loan company would consider further lending even if it was to pay off previous outstanding amounts.

Malestrom · 13 February 2005 at 3:31AM

I know its going to be difficult for her, but your Mum really needs to tell your Dad about this. No matter how you look at it, its going to take a considerable amount of time before all these debts are clear and he WILL find out eventually. Better to be upfront about it now, rather than later.

As well as the CAB, other options are National Debtline and Consumer Credit Counselling Service, both of which will help with sorting a proper budget, setting up a Debt Management Plan and dealing with creditors. Your Mum has nothing to lose by setting up a Debt Management Plan as her credit record will already have adverse entries for the missed/late payments.

Blade26 · 13 February 2005 at 11:16AM

Thanks for all the responses so far, you are all saying exactly what I was thinking. Have spent one very sleepless night with it all whirring round in my brain, Mum by comparison has had the 'best nigths sleep shes had in ages', ironic ;-)

Fortunately its half term next week, so we are going to make an appointment with the local CAB as a strating point. I am also going to encourage my Mum to ring a couple of the card co's to see what they can do to help her out - admitting there is a problem is the first step to recovery.

Myself and my sister got hold of all her bills last night and sorted through them, we were horrified to learn that whilst she has been making repayments when she can on the cards, in some cases with interest etc and late fees she has been making absolutley zero impact on the balnce and in some cases the balance has actually increased.

Me and my sis have been talking about stuff and we have some money but aside that we are quite willing to lend to Mum to pay off some of the debts, but obviously witout a lottery win, there is no hope of providing the full amount. We spoke to Mum again last night before she went to bed, she was really upset (me and sis are devastated as well) and was saying how ashamed she felt about the whole situation. Sorry for pouring everything out on here, we dont want to talk to anyone else in the family about it as Mum would be even more embarrassed and ashamed.

BTW me and sis are in our mid-20s so feel that we can cope with this, although already its taking its toll. We are both in the process of moving out having bought houses with respective partners, so the situation hasnt had an adverse effect on our own lives. We were both packing up some stuff and sorting through the usual detritus that you think that you need when I came across the bill that started this all off. I am feeling sick about it all, especially with it being a Sunday and feeling that there is not a great deal that can be done until tomorrow.

Sorry again for all the waffle, what would you recommend that the best course of action is from here on it, contact CAB first or make contact with the CC companies ourselves, something that we can do today. Ohh, its a complete car crash, my heart is telling me one thing and my brain the other. If I can learn only one thing from this it is that CC are the root of alot of evil for alot of people, and I for one will not be taking any up.

Debt_Free_Chick · 13 February 2005 at 11:36AM

Sorry again for all the waffle, what would you recommend that the best course of action is from here on it, contact CAB first or make contact with the CC companies ourselves, something that we can do today.

I think you might as well wait & see CAB first. Even if you speak to the CC companies today, I doubt they'll give you an instant decision. They are likely to have a special department to deal with this and I'll bet they only work 9-5 M-F.

CAB may well deal with the CC companies on your mum's behalf, avoiding all the hassle of doing so yourself! The other advantage with this is that your mum is more likely to do exactly what the CAB suggest - don't you think?

The best thing you can do next week, is to help your mum address her spending habits. What has she been putting on the cards? Clearly, things she can't normally afford, so she needs to look at that spending. Were these things "needs" as in essential to have or "wants"? And if if wants, what's driving that? Keeping up with the Jones's? Boredom? To give herself some feeling of "worth" - no offence about that final suggestion, I believe it's very common with women, especially.

So ... the CAB should help her to address the current debts ... perhaps you could help her focus on avoiding future debt and, possibly, releasing more money to throw at those debts.

Good luck and try not to worry. Try and focus your energy on positive things you can do to help her.

rizla01 · 13 February 2005 at 12:16PM

Hi Again Blade.

Firstly, You are very welcome to come on here and spend as much time discussing your problem and 'Waffle' as you put it. Others will learn from your experience, believe me.

There are Mums out there that secretly have the same problem as your Mums and it will be refreshing for them to recognise there own failings and realise what it does to families that care.

Also,I must defend Credit Cards.

Used sensibly they are a bonus to todays society. It is their misuse that causes so many problems.

I was among the first in the country to be issued with one and have never run up debts. On all but one occassion I have always paid off the balance by the end of the month and they can save you a lot of money and also do away with the need to carry cash or checkbooks.

Also purchasing online is a breeze.

Just remember to pay what is owing when it becomes due and a credit card is a huge benefit.

Speaking personally, and this decision will depend on the type of family you are, If it was my Mum I would explain the circumstances to my partner and, if he(or she) was willing, to try to get a 'Home improvement loan' or some other form of advance from the Building Society to pay off the debts and have Mum make the payments under strict control by yourselves.

This is only MY PERSONAL view and it could be fraught with problems if Mum doesn't pay up on time each month. also you may have stretched yourself to the limit when you took out your mortgage, so there may be no chance of a further advance.

I realise that this is not your responsibility, and others on here would 'shoot me down in flames' for making a suggestion such as this, but when your backs to the wall...?

It'll be interesting to hear what others feel about this suggestion as everyone has their own way of dealing with problems.

Unless your Dad is ill, or if he is likely to get violent, then it would be the responsible thing to do, to tell your Dad. he will be glad that you did.

Just think about what might happen in the future if you are not around to find these things out and she continues in this way.

It may embarrass your Mum but don't you think it's a case of 'being cruel to be kind'?

Riz

Blade26 · 13 February 2005 at 2:42PM

Thanks for the responses again.

We are going to call the CAB first thing in the morning. In the meantime, the smaller debts that me and my sister can afford to pay off immediately have been done. Added to the initial list we discovered a couple of catalogues, so in total we have settled 3 accounts and closed them today. We have sent the catalogues to the tip with all the other 'rubbish' me and my sister were clearing. Told Mum that I would rather have some plants she has grown from cuttings for my new garden as birthday and Xmas presents from now on! I have told her that I am going to have to tighten my belt with getting a mortgage etc and we can be moral support for each other

We have spoken to Mum about telling Dad and she is adamant that she doesnt want him to know, so I think talking to a 3rd party will definately help. It appears that the financial arrangements Mum and Dad have had since they married were Dad paid the mortgage and Mum paid all the other bills, with 4 kids you can imagine who was getting the better deal!! So alot of the debt appears to be from when Mum was helping us with stuff when me and my sister were at Uni. Not stuff that we asked for, as we were both working but treats that we thought/asssumed that she could afford. now that the mortgage is paid off, we have suggested that Mum sits down with dad and tells him that she wants him to take responsibility for some of the bills - i hope she does as she says. Don't get me wrong I am not trying to heap any blame onto Dad, but I think she needs to tell him something so that he can help her out. BTW my Dad still works full-time (56) and my Mum retired 4 years ago (now 64), but went back to work 2-3 years ago, PT, as she was completely bored at home .....perhaps thats where some of the problems started to occur??? I am just so worried, that she is going to have to carry on working herself until her 70's to pay it all off, fortunately she is nothing like her age would suggest and has more energy than me, so it probably wont be a problem, but its just the thought of it.

Thanks again for the advice as I said in the OP, we have been perusing these boards for a number of months without posting, but when a problem occurs in your own family it seems like its unsurmountable.

Going out to the football in a minute to see if that can cheer me up, not likely! ;-)

aliasojo · 13 February 2005 at 3:54PM

I'm glad you are making tracks into starting to deal with this. I agree that the situation needs to be reassessed and some changes should be made to the financial arrangement your Mum and Dad have.

Once the CAB have been consulted, things will not seem so bad, I promise.

As for apologising for waffling.......don't be silly - most of us around here have ben known to waffle from time to time and we don't apologise.

Seriously though, that's what these boards are for - sharing help and information.

I also just want to add that it's good that you and your sister are being so supportive. Whatever the whys or wherefores over how the debts accrued, your Mum's uppermost need at the moment is help and backup to deal with something that has overwhelmed her. Pat on the back to you (and sis) for being there for her.

Please help my Mum! She is burying her head in the sand, HELP!

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