Please help my Mum! She is burying her head in the sand, HELP!

Blade26

Hi,

Just thought I'd pop on to say that there is nothing to report as yet as responses to the letters sent to all the Companies last week, do you think that we should follow this up with another letter or wait and see??

Mum is feeling alot more positive about everything, she has phoned up at the weekend to cancel all the catalogues etc that she had, didnt owe anything but the accounts were still open. Freemans have called her today, asking her why as a valued customer has she closed her account, is there anything they could do. Mum just told them that she was now a child free zone and no longer needed to buy things on credit, we both laughed about how she said that alot of the debt was run up by helping me and my sister through Uni, and now she is using us as an excuse to not get into anymore.

If there is anything that the last week or so has taught me, is that no matter how p'ed off I get with my Mum about anything, I really love her so much, and although it feels like the roles are reversed and me and my sister are baling her out, there is absolutely nothing that we wouldn't do for her. She has said that she has found the whole thing quite humbling, in that she always knew that we loved her loads, but the strength we have both found to help her through this has astounded her, and she is so proud of us both. She keeps saying that she doesnt deserve us, and the way that we are helping her, but reading the many stories that have appeared on this board made her realise that there are others that are in a far worse position than she is, and don't have the love and support of their families to help them through.

The Dad situation is going to wait until at least after the next CAB appointment next week, I would like to think that Mum will be able to approach him on her own about putting things on a more even keel - she still has no intentions of confiding in him - but if not we shall cross that bridge when we come to it.

Not really said a great deal about anything, but its good to get out alot of things that I have been thinking. I haven't confided in my partner about it, as Mum asked me not to and I will respect her wishes, he's totally oblivious to everything anyway. He's totally engrossed in anything that doesn't involve paint colours and decorating for our new house.

XX

Blade26

BTW forgot to say, we have also requested copies of Mum's credit reports from Experian etc to see what they say, she knows that its not going to be pleasant reading.

Is there anything else that anyone can suggest that we can do, before returning to CAB next week?

Thanks

osagefo

Blade26, your mum and your dad (I am sure) would be very proud of what you've done. Like Allycat, I would advise that you do not quickly judge your dad. Financial arrangements (even within a marriage) could be quite complicated. I reckon that if you were to divulged the financial arrangements between your partner and yourself someone may have something to say even though you may think it is equitable. Unless your father has had other kids from a host of other relationships, etc. etc then ultimate what is his is your mums and vice versa debts and all. However, the fact that mummy does not claim what is rightfully hers and does not want you to divulge any of these problems to anyone else is concerning. After all, how could daddy be of any help if he doesn't know there is a problem? Keep up your good work and find a way that you could bring your dad on board.

aliasojo

Just wanted to say that I'm glad things seem to be in the process of being dealt with now. It'll no doubt be a long haul but you'll all get there, I'm sure.

Blade26

Nothing to report at the moment still, Mum hasnt had any response either via post or on the phone from any of the card companies, is this normal????

Blade26

mariejader

Reading your story reminds me of my own family, I don't think you will find that your mum is alone in her bill split, I really do think it is a generation thing, I have two uncles who sound just the same as your dad, so don't be to hard on him, personally I think he should be told sooner rather than later.

Just a word of warning thought, you may find that he expects to receive half the settlement from the accident so be ready with a quick answer as to why he cannot have any of the money, that's if he knows about it.

Regarding your mum finding a fill in job in the afternoon, could she not approach a company locally who have out workers filling envelopes etc, they don't pay much but it does help, Intermail are a company local to me don't know if they are nationwide may be worth a look.

I really do wish you luck it does sound as if it's all starting to slowly work out in your favour.

jat100

Blade26,

First of all, well done to you and your sister for helping your mum and well done to your mum for facing up to her debt and following your advice.

You mentioned in an earlier post about not receiving any acknowledgement regarding a CitiFinancial debt. I used to work for Citigroup (thankfully, not the CitiFinancial section). Some years ago, Citigroup acquired a company called Associates which they incorporated into an existing brand, CitiFinancial. I'm sure that some people on this forum have heard of Associates. This company offers credit to those who are unable to obtain credit elsewhere at pretty extortionate interest rates in most cases. Personally, I consider their practices to be morally unethical and although some aspects of the business improved after the takeover, the interest rates are still very high. The company would argue that the interest rates are so high because of the likelihood of default on the debt. However, offering loans at these interest rates to individuals already heavily in debt ensures that they will never, ever be free from debt. (Not unless they win the lottery!)

You don't say whether the amount owed is on a loan, overdraft or credit card, but I suggest that you check the rate of interest being applied to determine what action should be taken. My suggestion would be to ask them to accept a full and final settlement (preferably a reduced amount) or to pay it off as quickly as possible if they refuse to suspend the interest. Otherwise, it is likely that your mother will be paying for this debt for the rest of her days. You should talk to CAB about this when you have your meeting.

I don't know if my reply helps or not, but I hope it does. Good luck - I wish you well!

Blade26

Hello,

Just thought that I would pop on before the next meeting at CAB tomorrow. Mum has now had responses from Yorkshire Bank and Citi, both saying the same thing, that the debt is is X and they are uanble to suspend interest charges etc, but thanks for informing us of the situation.

On a more positive note, and we are not sure now whether we have doen the right thing or not, my sister has got herself a 0% Abbey card which will allow her to transfer one of Mum's debts onto it, so we are transferring the Citi one as it had the most hideous APR. So at least that is one that will immediately become more manageable in the short term, looking more long term Mum will get the payout from the accident and can pay back my sister.

A bit of food for thought for Mum however, my Sister partner found his Dad dead the other day, he was only 48. So now my sister is having to cope with that as well, not wishing to put the frighteners on my Mum, but as far as we are aware there was nothing wrong with his Dad, and he has died so suddenly. I think it has been a bit of a wake up call for Mum, as she was under the impression that if she was to die all the debts would die as well, we have told her that if the same thing happened to her, then Dad would find out about everything, and would it not be better to be honest now. Worst case scenario and highly unlikely to happen, but you never know.

We are in the process of filling in the I & E form for tomorrow, I am relieved that the next appointment has come around, it seems ages since we last went, but was only 2 weeks ago. Going to go there and then hopefully take her to Aldi/Lidl to have a look, she's not really a food snob, and my Dad will eat anything thats put in front of him so we shall see what she thinks. It would mean a bit longer journey than to the local Tesco, but the overall long terms savings would be worth it.

Bye for now....................

Xbigman

On a more positive note, and we are not sure now whether we have doen the right thing or not, my sister has got herself a 0% Abbey card which will allow her to transfer one of Mum's debts onto it, so we are transferring the Citi one as it had the most hideous APR. So at least that is one that will immediately become more manageable in the short term, looking more long term Mum will get the payout from the accident and can pay back my sister.

I'm not as expert as others but my immediate reaction is NO, NO, NO...

If you do this it is no longer your mums debt but your sisters. NO ONE will take it into account on your mums behalf. Likewise how does your mum explain to her remaining creditors, when she gets her insurance pay out, why she is giving some to your sister. I'm not being awkward just telling you how your mums creditors will view it. Talk to CAB about this first.
Regards



X

Blade26

S**t, S**t, S**t!!! Going to talk to the CAB tomorrow about it, my sister and I thought that it would be a good idea at the time, but now I am filled with dread that we have messed things up. We're only trying to do what we thought was right, and now I am all confused again.

Have compiled the I & E as below, please feel free to comment, there are several areas that I think savings can be made, but talking to Mum face to face tomorrow is goign to be the time to do it:

INCOME

Occupational Pension £280.00
State Pension £353.96
Private Pension £ 33.62
Wages £230.00

TOTAL £897.58 (over-estimated it in the OP)

EXPENDITURE

Petrol £ 60.00
TV Licence £ 10.50
Council Tax £ 95.00
Car Insurance £ 25.69
Gas/Electricity £ 80.00
Telephone £ 40.00
Water £ 27.00
SKY £ 33.00
Food £ 120.00
Clothes £ 30.00
Car Tax £ 10.00

TOTAL £ 531.19

SURPLUS FOR DEBTS £ 366.39

The most infuriating thing (to me) is that £405.50 of the above expenditure is for both her and Dad which was fine when Dad had the mortgage to pay (see OP) but now he doesn't I cant see why he cant make a contribution. I think I am now strating to get frustrated at Mum rather than Dad as she is point blankly refusing to talk to him about anything to do with this. Her choice if she doesnt want to tell him about the big picture, cant force her. She reckons that 2 times a year Dad gives her a cheque for £300 to cover his share of Council Tax/Utilities/Telephone/Sky etc, something doesnt really add up to me.

BTW how will the creditors know about the compensation that Mum gets? My sister and I were thinking that if we were in the same situation, we would want to try and transfer the highest APR onto a 0% card if possible, which we have investigated and she (my Sis) has had approval for. Thus eliminating one debt so to speak, transferring it into my Sister's name, but it is short term only as the payout should be here by the end of March. Oh, I'm all confused now, and will be worrying about it all until tomorrow. Will it look bad on her record that one debt has been paid off, the reason I am asking is that when we originally found about about the whole situation we paid off the smaller debts (i.e. Next) and closed the account, I am assuming that this wont be looked on favourably? Does any of what I have put made sense??

Hoping to get a better handle of everything tomorrow, as my sister can do without having to worry about this with everything happening with her bloke, and I am supposed to be going away on Wednesday to Germany, but at this moment in time I cant get excited about it, I am so scared now that we have messed things up completely for Mum.