Please help my Mum! She is burying her head in the sand, HELP!

Spendless

Blade- Has your sister already transferred your mums debt onto it, or just made enquiries?

If it's just made enquiries perhaps she can ring and ask them not to do the balance transfer yet.

I think things will be clearer after you've spoken to CAB about it tomorrow.

My reservation with dad not being told is if he finds out somehow accidentally. After all this is how you initially found out about your mums problem.

Maybe wait till tomorrow after the CAB visit and then decide what to do.

Best wishes

Blade26

She's just made an enquiry and got approval for the card with quite a decent credit limit, hence the ability to transfer the debt onto the card. V v v confused. I've got all Mum's paperwork at my house, so I will make sure that there is nothing missing from the I & E.

Spendless

Blade26 wrote:

She's just made an enquiry and got approval for the card with quite a decent credit limit, hence the ability to transfer the debt onto the card.

OK. So don't do anything about transferring the debt onto sisters card yet. Wait until you've spoken to CAB first.

BTW- have you made a list of questions you may wish to ask CAB about tomorrow?

Malestrom

Blade, you could make the payment and clear the Citibank card as no pro-rata payment system to your Mums creditors is currently in place. However, I would advise against it to be honest. You aren't going to benefit a great deal from the reduction in interest and I would expect the interest to be frozen on all the debts anyway. It will take a little while longer but it should happen.

When your Mum receives her accident payout, this should be paid to her creditors. It will be paid on a pro-rata basis so they will all receive a percentage, based on the total debt to each. If the payout is reasonably substantial then you could look into making a Full and Final Settlement offer, which would have the benefit of writing off a fair amount of the debt. National Debtline have more information on FAFS here

Blade26

Our only thought was they seems like right b'tards by all accounts, and we didnt want things become more difficult for Mum if they started calling her at home etc etc, then my Dad would find out (best thing all round in my opinion) but my Mum said that if he found out she would leave him as she couldn't stand the shame. She is still over her credit limit by quite alot and is getting hammered for interest and overlimit fees each month, to the tune of almost £100 a month or thereabouts, dont know for definite as the paperwork is all at home.

They have written back to her and stated that they acknowledge her letter but are unable to help her at this present moment in time, subsequently another month of interest and over limit fees for this month. Its a right mess, I thought that I could handle it all but I am just getting all confused.

I know that there are no quick fixes but we thought that everything we could do to help with regards paying off some of the debts would be of help, but I have obviously got this wrong???

We had had a look about pro-rata payments to all the creditors when she gets her settlement, but given that they are only likely to up it by a maximum of £1k to £3k its not going to go very far is it? Based on the figures in the OP which are more or less current, bar the Next which has been paid off, and the advice on the National Debtline webiste, the pro-rata offers would be 16% of what is currently owed - I don't think so

BTW, we have had her credit reports from the Credit Ref Agencies, although I havent seen them myself until tomorrow, my sister said that they don't look too bad! I think given everything else that is going on for her she can't have read it right, she said that Mum hadn't got any defaults on any of her accounts, I don't see how this can be true?? Can't really comment any further on it until I see them for myself.

I'll be back tomorrow after the meeting at the CAB to get some more advice. In the meantime, and help/advice with the I & E would be appreciated.

Thanks

DiggingOut

As a husband I would be devastated if my wife were in such a situation and didn't tell me. It is a terrible insult to him, IMO. By not telling him, she is saying he is the kind of husband who cares more about a few quid than about her. I hope you'll tell her I said so, and I can't think I'm alone in that. Most husbands would want to know. If she thinks he's the other kind of man, one wonders how the marriage has survived.

Unless the marriage is ending, he IS going to help pay that debt. Either his assets will be used to pay it when he dies, or it will become his when she dies, or the two of them will have less to spend and live on less while she pays it off. But every pound that goes to the debt is a pound that could have been spent to make their lives better, so it will affect him one way or another. So in that case, it is better to involve him in it sooner. If he can help clear debt now, it reduces the interest that he is going to have to help pay.

It sounds like she is just hanging on to selfish pride, and by doing so hurting herself, him, and you and your sister as well. Maybe YOU can't tell her that, but its the truth. Dare her to read this thread....

No, your sister should not do the balance transfer of your Mum's debt. But just as Maelstrom suggested a FAFS with the accident payout, something might be negotiated with the funds from the 0% card. Since Abbey is an MBNA card, your sister should do an SBT to her current account and put the money in a savings account. You should tell CAB that she has money available that she is willing to help her Mum out if they can arrange a FAFS. In the meantime, the money is sitting in a savings account earning your sister interest.

Do you want your relationship to be based on hiding things from each other? I don't think your Mum has the right to expect you to hide things from your partner. It isn't as if she volunteered all this, you discovered it.

Secrecy is no way to run a relationship.

Malestrom

Don't write a FAFS off just yet Blade, its probably the best way of getting your mum out of this mess with the minimum outlay. Her creditors aren't yet aknowledging her inability to pay, this is obvious from the reponses that you have received from them so far. You do need to get a Debt Management Plan worked out ASAP, as this is when they understand that you're serious. This needs to be on the agenda tomorrow when you meet with the CAB again.

Once a DMP is in place, then you can think about a FAFS. Using the accident payout and some of your Dads savings (yes, he will have to be told) this would be the best way of closing these debts down completely. Your Mum has to be realistic, she's 64 now and its going to take her at least five years to repay the full amount she owes. As Martin has said, there is no point having debts AND savings.

Good luck tomorrow, let us know how you get on.

Oh, and on the expenditure front, the utility bills seem way too high to me. You need to think about getting her to change suppliers for gas, electric and phone.

Blade26

I know what everyone is saying about she must tell him, and I 100% agree with you all, but she is absolutely resolute that she WILL NOT tell him, whether its pride or she is scared, i do not know, but I am sure my Dad would be angry, but he would be more angry of the fact that me and my Sister have been helping her and she wasn't/isn't willing to confide in him. Lilkelihood is that if we hadn't had found the bill 2 weeks ago, she would still be burying her head deeper and deeper into the sand until it suffocated her.

I have told my Sister to have a look at the posts since the one I made this afternoon, hopefully she may be able to do the SBT into a high interest account and see how things go from there.

Spendless

Blade- I hope your going to mention this 'not telling dad' at the CAB tomorrow.

He is going to have to be told so someone is going to have to tell him.

I actually agree with what DO has said about mum asking you not to tell your partner (i did think it at the time you posted about it- but though you'd enough on your plate without me picking up on that). This is encouraging you to have 'secrets'from your partner in the same way mum has 'secrets' from dad.

As i said earlier secrets come out - It doesn't have to be delibrate, just a chance remark that starts someone questioning, likewise yourself -what if something slipped out by accident.

I don't mean to be harsh here, but i really don't think you're going to be able to keep everything quiet and away from dad.

I think this is something that needs to be discussed tommorrow.

I wish you all the best.

Poppy9

Blade you mention in an earlier post that your father still gives your mum housekeeping. I don't wish to be rude but I assume you know how much. As your mother has been handling the bills for so long he might just be out of touch with how much prices have risen and therefore he has not inflated his housekeeping accordingly.

I think its good you want to help your mother out but I personally feel that you are continuing to let her bury her head in the sand by not discussing with your father. She has to face upto the fact that she has let her debts escalate. Ultimately it is both of their problems because if you let her keep her secret this time she may feel its ok to do so again. They could end up losing their home. Sadly there are some people in life who are useless with money. They buy what they want not what they need. They don't mean to its just the way they are made. One of my sisters used to get paid on Thursday and be totally spent out by Sunday. 20 years later she is still the same, new car, new furniture, new clothes. I have bailed her out in the past and helped her keep her secret but in the end I told her no more. I never got repaid any of the loans as something always came up and it was causing bad feeling. Now we get on well but she knows not to ask me for money. If you Pa is 'careful' with his money it would obviously be better if he handled paying the bills. I am sure he would seek out the best deals.

I would draw up a list of all the household outgoings excluding your mothers debts. Against this you should show both your parents income. If they were to split the bills pro rata to their income the money your mother has left should be applied to her debts. This is the quickest way to clear them if there are no savings. I agree with another poster that in future they should have a joint account to which they both pay a set amount = 10% every month to cover bills. The extra 10% will cover emergencies or even an annual treat.

I am lucky in that my hubby and myself have 2 joint bank accounts. His pay into 1 mine into another. All the bills and regular savings come out of mine and we both live off his. I don't have to ask to use the debt card or cashpoint and he doesn't check up on me on bank statements. Then again I am one of life tightwads so he probably knows he is safe The remainder of both our pays goes into savings. However I know of lots of couples who spend their life negotiating who pays what bills and in what proportion. Frankly if you divorce its all fair game so whats the point. Couples who usually operate this system are both tightwads

Go on I think you know in your heart you have to discuss with your Dad. Remember you are discussing with him not telling him.

Finally if your mum really needs another job has she considered being a Lollypop Lady. Pays about £6 per hour. If she can only do afternoons I am sure the council will still snatch her up as they are very hard to come by. Councils are also always looking for school kitchen/break assistants & cleaners. Councils now pay in excess of minimum wage for these jobs.