Just so tired now.

grass_is_greener · 10 March 2013 at 9:46AM

OP, you are so brave to have posted, you don't believe it at the moment but you are doing amazingly and should be really proud of yourself. BUT, with going through so much, you need to get yourself some help. This is not something to be ashamed of but a normal reaction to what you have been through and are going through.
Please get in contact with the Macmillan nurses. You can either self refer or ask your GP or consultant to get in touch with them. They can provide you with emotional support and someone outside your situation to talk to.

You need to take each day as it comes, try and ask for help from those around you. I am sure they would rather you are honest with them than soldiering on and having a breakdown if you continue as you are.

Keep taking on here but please do ask for professional help, its not admitting defeat, it's the way you get back in control. Good luck with your treatment and please let us know how you are getting on. Xxxx

betsie · 10 March 2013 at 9:49AM

I have never had a major op or chemo so I can not even begin to think what you are going through. But you are doing amazing, you can do this and you will.
You will do it for your family, Oh and yourself because you will want the future with them that you have planned out in your head for years, holidays, christmas', grandchildren etc.
It is totally understandable to have times when you feel like you have had enough but you will find the strength to carry on.
In terms of your whole future this is just a small horrible blip, you will have lots of happy times again with your family and friends.
Keep strong and don't let the caner win, you can beat it.
Sending you a big hug.xxx

fluffnutter · 10 March 2013 at 9:49AM

I always think it's important to never make important decisions when you're upset. You had an horrendous day yesterday, elise, and the chemo will wipe you out for a while. Don't make any plans about possible next stages of treatment at the moment.

When you've come through the chemo, you WILL feel brighter and more resilient. That's the time to think about what you want to do next. If you decide you don't want any more treatment, that's OK. But make that decision when you're feeling strong. You don't need to think about it now.

elisebutt65 · 10 March 2013 at 9:53AM

Thanks all. I think one of the main problems is not having someone I can offload to. I don't really have a best friend, just general mates IYKWIM? I want to be able to really tell OH, but I can see it sometimes gets to him more than me and he has problems with his family going on as well.
I'm also not good at opening up to strangers in real life. I tried counselling when I hit a rough patch at Uni a few years ago and I couldn't open up then either.

I had a look at that thread but its 85 pages long and I might save it to browse through. Today's Mother's Day and its going to be a long one. I'll have to be happy & smiling till my face hurts. My eldest is a good boy (18 now) and he sort of gets it & gives me hugs when he spots that I'm down, but the other one is soon to turn 13 and he is going through the throes of puberty, and has become a horrible sociopathic little git. I know it's not his fault, but he's been so horrid lately that its made me cry a few times.

My neck is sore today and I had to roll out of bed, rather than sit up as I just couldn't pull myself upright. I think the worst thing is feeling so feeble as I've never felt so damned old and I'm not even 48 yet! My hips ache, my right arm is crapped out, my neck and shoulder is unbelievably sore and I'm walking like a little old lady. I caught myself thinking that I wished I hadn't gone for the damned mammogram in the first place, but then I'd probably be dead in a few years, so I better not go there.

I don't want to come across as whinger but its kind of therapeutic to let rip here, where I'm fairly anonymous. No one I know reads MSE, whereas most of my life is on Facebook (lol), even my students pop on there for a chat & want to see how I'm doing. So that's the same as my public face. I do miss having a best friend, but after moving across the country several times and a remarriage etc, I lost touch with everyone & I find it hard to connect with people here, even after 10 years.
Sorry I've gone on a bit, bloody eyes are leaking again.

aliasojo · 10 March 2013 at 10:02AM

You poor soul, I can only imagine how low you feel and even then I'm probably still way off the mark.

You're hitting bottom emotionally now but you wont stay there, you will start to cope more.

What about wearing bandana type scarves? They would be cooler than wigs or hats and you might find wearing bright colours on your head is a bit cheerier than looking a bald head reminding you how crap this all is. (Hope you don't feel that sounded insensitive, it was what a nurse told my Mum once and it made her smile.)

I've just read what you said about your 13 year old. I think maybe the last thing you need is added stress and I think he needs to know what is happening to you and how you feel so he becomes more considerate. Don't try to be a martyr, that's misguided. Your family need honesty for their sake and yours.

Maybe you should think about using MSE as a regular outlet? It might get easier to get things off your chest if you 'talk' more often?

No-one would give you a hard time, we'd all be happy to be an ear for you.

elisebutt65 · 10 March 2013 at 10:29AM

Yeah. I think I am hitting bottom, but I just keep thinking 'what more are they going to throw at me?'

Eldest is helping a lot with the youngest. I overheard him shouting at him for being a selfish so & so, after he told me to go die in a hole!! I nearly lost it then and had to lock myself in the loo. OH has to restrain himself a lot as he's not their dad, but he did give him a talking to. He's going to his dads for the whole of Easter at my request so I get a fortnight off, from puberty woes.

It's my birthday just before my 4th Cycle in April ( next one is in a fortnight) and OH has been looking to take me somewhere for a weekend. I don't want to go too far though as I can't face sitting in a car for more than a few hours. I'm also booked into the Look Good, Feel Better session the day before my 4th cycle so I'm hoping that will be a nice treat.

I don't think I realised just how much of me was tied into my noobs and hair, vain as it, and I've put on 2 stone with the steroids in a month! I'm really eating better & healthier than I ever have but the weight is just piling on. It's like life is hitting me over the head with the ugly stick just when I need it the least! And I can't exercise at all! I've been trying to walk a bit everyday but some days it's all I can do to cross the road without feeling wiped out.
I should be in the better part of the cycle next week before my next round but I can't summon up any enthusiasm for much.
I think I'll keep posting on here as I feel better just after a few posts.

aliasojo · 10 March 2013 at 10:44AM

elisebutt65 wrote: »

Eldest is helping a lot with the youngest. I overheard him shouting at him for being a selfish so & so, after he told me to go die in a hole!!

They can be such little !!!!!! at that age. Full of their own testosterone and angst. It's good that his brother is more mature and can help. The last thing you need right now is to have to do battle with a teenager.

It's my birthday just before my 4th Cycle in April ( next one is in a fortnight) and OH has been looking to take me somewhere for a weekend. I don't want to go too far though as I can't face sitting in a car for more than a few hours.

Make sure you tell him this and don't get caught up in going along with anything just because you don't want to hurt his feelings.It would do you good to have a relaxing break somewhere but only if getting there didn't add more stress and discomfort first.

I don't think I realised just how much of me was tied into my noobs and hair, vain as it, and I've put on 2 stone with the steroids in a month! I'm really eating better & healthier than I ever have but the weight is just piling on. It's like life is hitting me over the head with the ugly stick just when I need it the least! And I can't exercise at all! I've been trying to walk a bit everyday but some days it's all I can do to cross the road without feeling wiped out.

You need to try to just accept you're going to look like !!!!!! for a while. It's just what needs to happen whilst you heal. Plenty of time to get 'fancy' again later on down the line.

I should be in the better part of the cycle next week before my next round but I can't summon up any enthusiasm for much.
I think I'll keep posting on here as I feel better just after a few posts.

Good! Chatting ALWAYS helps.

Errata · 10 March 2013 at 10:46AM

I think I'll keep posting on here as I feel better just after a few posts

Excellent! Doctor MSE sometimes works in wondrous ways

Things will get better, even though that's difficult to imagine sometimes when you feel like you're living in a body you don't recognise. You will start to slowly get your stamina and energy back, everything will start to ache less, your hair will grow again.
I found it impossible, both practically and emotionally, to really talk to someone about everything I was feeling and going through when I was in a very similar situation to you - so I used to have very long one-sided conversations with my Hickman line, which sounds totally bonkers but it made a difference to me just saying out loud what I wanted to say.
Wishing you well, and keep on posting x

thorsoak · 10 March 2013 at 11:20AM

You poor love! Just wish that some of us (or all of us!) could come and give you a big hug - but that would be far too much for you at the moment!

I know that we all want to put on a good face to the world when inside our hearts are breaking, when we are so bone tired that we want to crawl into a nice comfy bed, pull the covers over our heads and stay there till the world turns - well maybe Elise, this is the time to do just that for a couple of days -just go with the flow of how you are feeling - be kind to you.

Spring is round the corner, you'll be getting onto the better end of your cycle - but do let everyone know that just now, you feel like sh1te - especially your 13year old demon! If you can't do this - keep coming on here, and complain, whine, let "poor ickle me" get it all out - we'll understand and you can vent all your frustrations out here until you feel better.

With love, sympathy - and sending you a bucket full of positive thoughts xx

Dunroamin · 10 March 2013 at 11:43AM

As you already have support from McMillan you may know about this but they offer an online support forum which you might find helpful

http://community.macmillan.org.uk/

Just so tired now.

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