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    • dcouponzzzz
    • By dcouponzzzz 13th Jun 17, 9:36 AM
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    Too many holidays?
    • #1
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:36 AM
    Too many holidays? 13th Jun 17 at 9:36 AM
    Apologies in advance for the long post!

    So I'm posting here for advice on either of the two options:

    - How do I justify spending money on holidays for myself, or
    - How do I help my OH see my financial commitments don't allow me the holidays she expects.

    I've been with the OH only a year now, and in that year we will have been on 2 bigger holidays (costing £1k+) and 3 smaller ones (countryside hotel stays). She has plans for about 3 more small trips before the end of this year.

    Now, she's 23 living with her parents and on an average wage, with few outgoings and a fair bit of disposable income, whereas I'm 28 with a mortgage and all the financial and time commitments that come with it. I've spent 5 years living penny to penny and only in the past 3-4 months have I reached a career stage where I have any disposable income.

    I have a list of home improvements in priority order which totals £3.5k that has never been addressed, plus my own personal list of items I would really like to own (£3k) which is lowest priority, but would be nice.

    Nowhere on my list do beach holidays or city breaks appear. I want to have real experiences like visit Machu Picchu, the Mayan temples, cruise around Alaska, or even rent a car and drive around America camping for a month.

    These still don't make it on the list because they're lowest of the low priority, just a dream in the far distant future when I've fixed up the house, bought my luxuries and saved an emergency fund. Possibly even after I've paid off the £130k mortgage, as I can now afford to over-pay by double the monthly payment, possibly triple if I continue as I have been.

    To summarise... should I be taking every opportunity to travel and relax with priority over home commitments and personal goals? If not, how can I say no to the OH when she makes plans for how I spend my money? (she never asks for a penny from me, just making me spend it on myself). If I say no I'm sure it's a deal breaker, and everything else about her personality is perfect. I'm not even sure this is an undesirable thing...

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    Last edited by MSE Andrea; 28-06-2017 at 9:57 AM.
    Started 07/15. Car finance £16,150 :/ , Mortgage: 130k - Savings: £600
Page 2
    • gycraig
    • By gycraig 13th Jun 17, 11:02 AM
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    She's to young for you you are completely different times of your lives. Tell her you have commitments and can't afford nor want to go on several holidays a year.

    I had this exact discussion with my partner who wanted a far more expensive house than I could or would want to buy I sat her down and said "the houses you are looking at are fantastic and i get why you have fallen in love with them unfortunately you chose the wrong boyfriend so either start looking at more reasonable houses or find yourself a boyfriend who wants to provide one for you"

    Been fine since.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 13th Jun 17, 11:37 AM
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    It sounds like you have a 5 year age gap chronologically, but more like 15 or 20 in terms of attitude.

    If she wants to spend her money on holidays, fair enough, she's 23, she might not be bothered about ever buying a house etc. But she might have to learn to go on her own! She can't force you or her friends to spend hard earned money that's needed elsewhere on her expensive hobby!
    • Rosemary7391
    • By Rosemary7391 13th Jun 17, 1:16 PM
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    Have you got a budget in mind for holidays? I keep aside a yearly amount for holidays with friends, largely because it's important for me to get to spend time with them. Figure this out and then discuss with her how to spend it - more cheaper holidays, 1 expensive one, whatever.
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    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 13th Jun 17, 1:18 PM
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    There is always the argument that says, at the end of your life, you're going to look back on the memories you made on these holidays and smile. You're not going to be sat in your nursing home saying to your other half "oooh, remember that time when we overpaid the mortgage..." or "How about the fun we had choosing the new fridge-freezer"

    I'm all for having an emergency pot and making small overpayments to shorten the mortgage life, but not at the expense of enjoying life and building memories.

    A compromise will have to be found if this relationship is going to work. I can't see her dropping from 8 holidays to one a year, but if she agrees on perhaps 4 holidays a year and she starts a savings pot with what she would have spent on the rest and if you agree to overpay your mortgage a little less and make those 4 holidays memorable then a middle ground can be found.
    Originally posted by *~Zephyr~*

    I'd agree with you but the OP has only been in a relationship with this girl a year so I hardly think thinking ahead to nursing home memories is very high on the agenda.

    OP are we talking about £1k+ holidays for the pair of you or is that each?

    Personally she sounds like a taker rather than a keeper
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    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 13th Jun 17, 1:35 PM
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    I've said the same things I have in this post to her a number of time but her response is that she wants to enjoy her life while she's young and before she can't because of having kids in future or not having enough money. I do have enough money to do this, just not enough for everything else as well!
    Then she isn't listening, being self-centered and manipulative. She might be a great girlfriend if you enjoy similar things, get along well, etc... but when it comes to moving towards more of a partnership, these qualities start to matter.

    She is welcome to enjoy life rather than invest in her future, but she has to respect the fact that you would prefer to secure your future first and enjoy luxuries at a later stage in her life. You are both young and have plenty of time to do all these travels later on.

    I'm afraid you need to be firm now if she is choosing not to listen. Either the message hasn't got to her because you are too soft in your approach not wanting to upset her by saying no, or she is willingly ignoring you because it doesn't suit her agenda to have a companion to follow her in her enjoyment of life.

    Really, it's a bit of a make or break it if she isn't going to accept you position.
    • Kayalana99
    • By Kayalana99 13th Jun 17, 1:40 PM
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    I've tried explaining about the other financial commitments but it's become a running joke with her and both our families that she wants to go on holiday every other week (exaggeration, but she still would if she could).

    Thank you for replying, but saying she's not perfect for me isn't constructive, otherwise I'd be single my entire life looking for perfection. I am prepared for her to call everything off for our interests not aligning on this because it's so important to her, but I wouldn't call it off just for this because it's not a deal breaker to me, just frustrating.
    Originally posted by dcouponzzzz
    It is constructive, I'm not saying you need to find someone perfect - but if someone is going to break up with you because you can't afford to go on holiday with them, it's hardly a stable relationship surely?

    It's just not a reason to break up with someone, perhaps having different interests and you not enjoying the holidays then fair enough. As people have said she could go with friends or offer to pay extra if she really wants to go.

    You need to be able to discuss these things in a relationship and if you really really can't talk about these things, how are you going to have a future? Are you just going to go along with everything even if you don't want to/end up in debt?
    People don't know what they want until you show them.
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 13th Jun 17, 1:45 PM
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    Stop explaining.

    Put your budget on the table.

    If she wants to go on holidays(with you) that cost more she has to subsidies you or budget down to your budget.
    Last edited by getmore4less; 13-06-2017 at 1:51 PM.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 13th Jun 17, 1:58 PM
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    If only it were that simple if your OH wants to plan a holiday to a log cabin in Scotland for her bday and you said no, I need a new fridge... How would that go down? Haha
    Originally posted by dcouponzzzz

    She's not a child! It would go be fine. Does she expect you to manage without a fridge?

    Sounds rather spoiled to me.
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    • dcouponzzzz
    • By dcouponzzzz 13th Jun 17, 2:12 PM
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    Sorry, I'm just on my phone in work so can't respond properly to everyone, but thank you for getting involved. She knows I'm 60 years old in the head and I am encouraged by family and friends to do what people my age do and enjoy myself instead of secure my future.

    She knows every detail of my financial situation, and I hers, including that as of recently I have about £900 a month disposable income. The last 3 months the two holidays have been £1200 and £1000 per person including spends, but not including materials bought beforehand.

    She is mature for 23, but not close to how mature I was at the same age. I don't want to change her priorities to align with mine if I'm taking away her opportunity to enjoy her life with someone while she's young, but I'm patient and already (in my opinion) successful and know that financial security will let me do this in the future.

    We're both independant, but I do have a lot to think about. We might not be the best people for each other right now, but I'll make serious efforts for compromise. I think we've both got something to learn from each other.
    Started 07/15. Car finance £16,150 :/ , Mortgage: 130k - Savings: £600
    • dcouponzzzz
    • By dcouponzzzz 13th Jun 17, 2:15 PM
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    And my fridge works but it rattles and it's an F on the energy use scale... Trying to reduce energy waste and background noise in the house. At the moment a lot of things humming in tandem makes for a quite distracting ambience haha.
    Started 07/15. Car finance £16,150 :/ , Mortgage: 130k - Savings: £600
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 13th Jun 17, 3:09 PM
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    You are financially more mature! Stick to your plan and she will have to fit in with it. Holidays are great but at 28 there is plenty of time. Don't end up with regrets or debt. Plan something cool and memorable for the future and budget for it. A holiday or 2 is fine but there comes a stage when responsibilities take over and she has no concept of that yet.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 13th Jun 17, 4:09 PM
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    Bloody hell how many days' holiday do you both get a year? I struggle to fit in two holidays, each a week long (I get 25 days off a year)! There's always things to take time off for.

    I do think you both have to want the same holidays or be willing to take them with other people if you don't agree. And yes I do think it's a deal breaker if you have to compromise. If my OH only wanted to do say action, skiing or long haul holidays, I'd not be going with him (thankfully it's his idea of hell too). A chilled week in Spain with tapas, Sangria and some mild sun is enough for us middle-agers!

    It doesn't sound like it's just about the money really, sounds like you want different types of holidays too.

    I don't think there's such a thing as 'too many holidays' if you can afford them, want them, and have enough hols to do them. Doesn't sound like you fit all that criteria though.

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    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 13th Jun 17, 5:53 PM
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    You find a balance. You decide on a budget. The amount may vary year on year. Some years it might be a big hol, some years it might be a city break.

    We've had years where we've had big hols and no home improvements, years where there's been home improvements and a very small cheap hol, years where there's been neither. This year we are managing both a big hol and an expensive home improvement. It's taken us 20 years to get to this stage, 18 of them married.

    Without compromise, you are going to run into issues and possibly they'll start leaking not just into the area of holidays.
    • goodwithsaving
    • By goodwithsaving 13th Jun 17, 6:17 PM
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    Do the renovations. I know it's hard to say no, but your house is your most valuable asset, look after it.
    It sounds like the age gap is larger than it is on paper. If you feel like this now, can you imagine ever living together? Consider what you want from life. Do what's right.
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    • sooty&sweep
    • By sooty&sweep 13th Jun 17, 8:55 PM
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    You need to agree a balance. Have you spoken to her about some of the fabulous places you'd like to visit ? Why not agree a savings plan for one of them ?

    If you can afford to over pay your mortgage 2 or 3 times over then personally I think you should reduce that and use some of that money to do your house up, enjoy yourself buy your luxury items or go on holiday.

    I'm not saying don't save some of your money but also use some of it to do things you want to do.

    Sorry to be a bit morbid but you don't know how long you'll live. I know of someone that was very sensible with money and saved lots of money. Unfortunately they then became ill & died before they were able to do all the things they'd wanted to do.

    Live life & enjoy it !

    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 13th Jun 17, 8:55 PM
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    Holidays are great but at 28 there is plenty of time.
    Originally posted by Fireflyaway
    Is there? Who's to say the OP won't be dead in 10 years or struck with a serious illness that makes travel impossible?

    OP, if you were to die in 10 years would you rather have experienced a holiday or paid a bit more off on your mortgage? I know a number of people who have saved hard for retirement and then died a year later. I also know someone else who has gone without to save for later life and has now contracted a serious life altering disease that will kill them one day. I'm sure they'd have rather lived their life differently.

    Obviously it's all about compromise, enjoy yourself but also build your future. Just don't look back on your life realising you haven't done anything.

    Personally me and my girlfriend went travelling for a year, spent enough for a house deposit. Don't regret it for a second. I can buy a house at any point, got the whole of my life to do that but I've always got those memories.
    • ringo_24601
    • By ringo_24601 13th Jun 17, 9:01 PM
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    Is there? Who's to say the OP won't be dead in 10 years or struck with a serious illness that makes travel impossible?
    Originally posted by Gavin83
    Not to mention you can't really take kids on a hiking trip to Machu Picchu. Start a family and wave goodbye to adventerous (or affordable) holidays. You wave goodbye to travelling as a couple for 16 years.

    I believe the phrase "Youth is wasted on the young" may be appropriate. The OP's girlfriend is just trying to enjoy being young. Some restraint will help, but I think house renovations and 'stuff' come second after experiences.
    • balletshoes
    • By balletshoes 13th Jun 17, 9:08 PM
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    If only it were that simple if your OH wants to plan a holiday to a log cabin in Scotland for her bday and you said no, I need a new fridge... How would that go down? Haha
    Originally posted by dcouponzzzz
    if my OH wants to plan a birthday treat then my OH can pay for it. if i needed a fridge i'd be saying sorry i need to pay for a fridge, maybe the log cabin in scotland can be next year,s holiday plan darling?
    • Blackbeard of Perranporth
    • By Blackbeard of Perranporth 13th Jun 17, 9:35 PM
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    • Kynthia
    • By Kynthia 13th Jun 17, 9:43 PM
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    Balance and compromise are the way to go.

    It's great you are financially mature but you need to balance 'saving for tomorrow' with 'enjoying life now as you don't know what's around the corner'.

    Decide what you budget is for holidays at the beginning of each year (or 6 monthly). Then discuss what you'll do with that budget together and she's obviously welcome to do additional breaks without you. Then there's the challenge for some additional breaks to be bargains. My OH and I would have a foreign holiday in a decent hotel, a nice long weekend somewhere and then a couple of bargain breaks for very little money. For example we'd collect the Sun vouchers and get a caravan in another part of the UK for £50 each for 4 nights and self cater with just one or two meals out.
    Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!
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