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Wife having an affair and suddenly asking for a divorce
bbarroso
Posts: 103 Forumite
Well, later in life managed to finish a 1st class degree, got myself a decent job guaranteed for October, family with a 6 year old beautiful girl now starting year 1... One could think things were going well...
Well, not quite so. My partner didn't want to come on holiday with me and daughter. Said it couldn't have any holidays for the period. Didn't thought much of it. On return, I'm greeted with a proposition for divorce as she found someone else.
Quite a shock to be fair.
Grabbed her old phone and google maps confirmed my suspicions. Regular trips and weekend stays at this 'friends house' even before the holiday. She works nights and weekends, so managed to hide it well...
A quick google shows today's "work training weekend" as being the usual place. She has absolutely no idea I can see this.
I'm trying to keep calm and not go to the place to beat the crap out of other guy. After all, she's the one going to his place, so god knows if he even know's she's married!
Current situation, I'll be leaving the country for about a year for training on a few different sites. I had absolutely no plans for something of this magnitude to happen and I'm now afraid I wont be able to make plans to accommodate my daughter schooling in a different country, until my return to the UK. So I dont see much option but to leave her with her mom and god knows who this other guy is, which feels extremely irresponsible, or quit my job and, being unable to keep a household on my own, loose any chance of getting my daughters custody.
Under such circumstances, what would be the most advisable course of action? Trying to keep calm and not overwhelm the little one...
Many Thanks
Well, not quite so. My partner didn't want to come on holiday with me and daughter. Said it couldn't have any holidays for the period. Didn't thought much of it. On return, I'm greeted with a proposition for divorce as she found someone else.
Quite a shock to be fair.
Grabbed her old phone and google maps confirmed my suspicions. Regular trips and weekend stays at this 'friends house' even before the holiday. She works nights and weekends, so managed to hide it well...
A quick google shows today's "work training weekend" as being the usual place. She has absolutely no idea I can see this.
I'm trying to keep calm and not go to the place to beat the crap out of other guy. After all, she's the one going to his place, so god knows if he even know's she's married!
Current situation, I'll be leaving the country for about a year for training on a few different sites. I had absolutely no plans for something of this magnitude to happen and I'm now afraid I wont be able to make plans to accommodate my daughter schooling in a different country, until my return to the UK. So I dont see much option but to leave her with her mom and god knows who this other guy is, which feels extremely irresponsible, or quit my job and, being unable to keep a household on my own, loose any chance of getting my daughters custody.
Under such circumstances, what would be the most advisable course of action? Trying to keep calm and not overwhelm the little one...
Many Thanks
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Comments
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Get yourself checked out.0
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Hi there barroso
This sounds so sad to me, and I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.
First, it sounds as if your wife has been really unhappy for some time. If you didn't know that, then you're completely out of touch with her. If you want this to make more sense to you, rather than being a complete shock, you need to ask her how things have been for her, when her unhappiness started and find out why she wasn't able to let you know. This will be hard. Try to be ready to hear things you don't want to hear.
Second, you need to try and stay calm. You could get in a lot of trouble for beating someone up. The problem is not the other man, the problem is your marriage and you're jointly responsible for that.
Third, there is no point in doing things like grabbing her phone. She has already told you she has been having an affair, there is nothing helpful to be learned by invading her privacy, you'll just annoy her more. Try and be respectful through all this even if she has just let you down spectacularly.
Fourth, don't spy on her using google. See above.
Fifth, if you want to fight for custody of your daughter then I suggest you stay in the country. Even if you got custody, your daughter would need to maintain contact with her mum and you wouldn't be able to facilitate that if you lived overseas. I'm glad you're trying to keep your daughter at the centre of all this. Keeping calm and not harassing her mum will help with that.
Lastly, you need to speak to your wife about living arrangements, contact with your daughter and other practical things. You can't divorce until you've been separated for a year but it does sound as if you're already apart.
Best of luck.If you know you have enough, you're rich.
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If his wife has been 'unhappy for some time' maybe she could have communicated this BEFORE having an affair?
Sorry to hear what's happened to you OP.0 -
Childcare if necessary, maybe you'll now qualify for tax credits and can claim some of that costThis is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0
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If you were working abroad for the coming year, would you be able to get back from time to time? Do you have family who would keep in touch with your daughter during your absence? If you resigned from this job, would you be able to find employment in the UK without trouble?0
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If his wife has been 'unhappy for some time' maybe she could have communicated this BEFORE having an affair?
Maybe she did and OP wasn't listening. We don't know. I think it will help OP to know the actual story. It sounds like he hasn't a clue and this has come completely out of the blue. People who are happy in their marriages don't tend to have affairs.If you know you have enough, you're rich.0 -
Maybe she did and OP wasn't listening. We don't know. I think it will help OP to know the actual story. It sounds like he hasn't a clue and this has come completely out of the blue. People who are happy in their marriages don't tend to have affairs.
I think thats a bit insensitive. Being unhappy in a marriage is in no way an excuse to have an affair. If she was that unhappy she should have got the divorce beforehand then moved on. Rather than totally destroying her husbands and daughters lives.0 -
Totally agree with Ani*fan.
I also simpathise with you OP. My brother went through the same situation and he also didn't have a clue. He was heartbroken, angry, sad, wanting to beat the guy, the whole lot. He behaved in a way not in line with who he is, he tried to tape her conversations, listened to her phone calls, went through her mobile data, email....but all of that didn't make him feel better.The fact was that she was unhappy, she cheated on him and going through her stuff was more upsetting than helpful.
You clearly are a good dad , and have good job prospects, I'd concentrate o that.
Take one day at the time0 -
What plans for the year you are going to be abroad had you already discussed/agreed with your wife regarding your daughter before she announced she wanted a divorce?Current situation, I'll be leaving the country for about a year for training on a few different sites. I had absolutely no plans for something of this magnitude to happen and I'm now afraid I wont be able to make plans to accommodate my daughter schooling in a different country, until my return to the UK. So I dont see much option but to leave her with her mom and god knows who this other guy is, which feels extremely irresponsible, or quit my job and, being unable to keep a household on my own, loose any chance of getting my daughters custody.
Under such circumstances, what would be the most advisable course of action? Trying to keep calm and not overwhelm the little one...
Many Thanks
What was your wife going to do during this year?
Stay at home or go with you?0 -
What's the point of beating hell out of the other guy, apart from perhaps getting yourself a criminal record?
HE didn't make you promises - your wife did. As you say, he may not even know that she is married.
Would a jail term help in your efforts to secure your daughter's happiness?0
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