Wife having an affair and suddenly asking for a divorce

Pollycat

paddy's_mum wrote: »

What's the point of beating hell out of the other guy, apart from perhaps getting yourself a criminal record?

HE didn't make you promises - your wife did. As you say, he may not even know that she is married.

Would a jail term help in your efforts to secure your daughter's happiness?

It's amazing how many people blame the 3rd person in situations like this.

I would hope the OP wasn't being serious when he mentioned beating 'the crap out of other guy'.

Angry_Bear

ani*fan wrote: »

Maybe she did and OP wasn't listening. We don't know. I think it will help OP to know the actual story. It sounds like he hasn't a clue and this has come completely out of the blue. People who are happy in their marriages don't tend to have affairs.

That's not quite true. People who are happy don't tend to have affairs, however, it may not be their marriage that is problem.
It sounds like OPs life has changed a lot in recent years (new degree, better job, daughter starting school ....) - perhaps the wife has been feeling "left behind" and gone for an affair to make herself feel better. Which in no way excuses an incredibly selfish act, but statements that say if her marriage was happy then she wouldn't have done it are not necessarily true.

paddy's_mum

OP - I am genuinely not taking a pot shot at you but it has been my experience and understanding that a major cause of infidelity in women is resentment, not sudden passion or lust.

What would your wife tell us had been causing her to feel resentment to
such a degree that she wishes to punish you by breaking up the marriage?

I appreciate that right now you are feeling rage and shock but in quiet moments, your answer to my question may provide much food for thought and who knows, perhaps reconciliation.

I wish all of you good luck for the future.

FBaby

Your wife saying that she couldn't go on hols with you when you are able to go away for a year should have raised serious alarm bells, so clearly something wasn't right in your relationship. Going away for a year is a massive big deal, so that might have had an impact on her feelings.

In any case, there is always two stories to such situations and we will only get one side, so pointless to focus the thread on whether OP is a victim or not. Ultimately, it's about the future.

So question is, what has she communicated with you yet? Does she intend on moving in with this guy, move out to a place of her own, stay in the current property? Has she actually indicated whether she intends on having full residence of your DD or whether she is happy that you do? If she moves with the guy, is it where he currently lives and if so how far away is it to you? Would you stay in the current property.

What is your situation with work? When were you planning on leaving for a year? Is this the only option to keep your current job or could you negotiate not to move? Could you easily get a similar job with another company that meant you wouldn't need to travel? How much do you actually care to go away for a year, care to focus on your career?

I know it is very hard to do, but try to focus on the future and what would be the best decisions to make for you and your DD rather than holding on to the past and the wrongs of your wife. You are about to need to make some important decisions when you are emotionally at your weakest so not easy. Any friends/family you can speak to who will not tell you what to go but help you come up with the questions/things to take into consideration to help you make your decisions?

NoWayJose

Maybe I'm misinterpreting your post Ani*fan. It sounded to me like you meant telling him she's unhappy was justification for an affair.

Either way OP, you cant change whats happened - keep your cool and act with dignity.

paddy's_mum

Telling your spouse that something in the relationship is awry, that you are being made very unhappy by 'whatever' (insert matrimonial offence of choice) and THEN having your views, opinions, fears and feelings utterly ignored, mocked and walked all over is frequently the cause of an affair, in my experience.

From what I have observed of the human race, an affair (especially when conducted by a married woman) is more usually a symptom of some rot or disease eating away at the very roots of the relationship than it is a demonstration that she is a ***** (insert insulting term here).

In an ideal world, people would end the current marriage before embarking on another relationship but human beings often act irrationally when under duress of one kind or another.

Sambella

It's odd. The pursuit of happiness causes great unhappiness.

What this guy needs right now is practical advice. Who is gonna live in the house, take custody of the child, finances etc

He hurting, god knows he's hurting. Angry too, a perfectly normal reaction in this situation. He didn't hit this other guy even though he wanted to so no need to berate him for something he has not done here either. I get the impression he knows it won't solve anything which is precisely why he didn't do it.

We don't know the reasons. So It's not for us to judge therefore to say maybe she was unhappy does not help at this time even if it may be true.

The 'proper' thing to do is to end one relationship before you begin another most people would agree with that.

Analysis of what went wrong comes later. Don't slant your maybes towards one party. There could be many,many, maybe's

To the OP. Don't torture yourself by wondering or trying to find out how they met or where they met and what lies you may have been told. It won't help. Much easier said than done I know. The passage of time will be a great healer. Maybe the both of you,in time, will be happier in the future. I hope this is the case.

Guest101

There are quite a few americanisms in the OP, might help to clarify this and any implications so that advice can be tailored ( eg tax credits)

paddy's_mum

bbarroso wrote: »

until my return to the UK

There are hints here, including the unusual user name, that the OP speaks English as she is spoke in America.

LilElvis

Guest101 wrote: »

There are quite a few americanisms in the OP, might help to clarify this and any implications so that advice can be tailored ( eg tax credits)

In the OP he says that he will be returning to the UK after his work overseas.

What could have an impact as to the family's entitlement to certain benefits would be whether he will remain a UK employee or be treated as employed (and taxed) overseas.